A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Is there any way I can stop my man being so needy? I love him to bits and he is everything I want in a partner but he's very clingy and dependant on me which is really starting to annoy me. He texts me all day every day. At his job he can. At my job I'm lucky if I even get a lunch break let alone get to spend time texting. He knows this but when I do manage to check my phone I get his original message followed by ones that say 'hello' 'are you getting my texts' 'why have you not replied' 'have I said something to annoy you' etc. We've had the conversation countless times that I can't text in work but it's just not sinking in. He's literally perfect in every other way but this is starting to cause arguments
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female
reader, Ciar  +, writes (19 November 2014):
 Look up 'Random Reinforcement'. As long as he's rewarded SOME of the time, he'll continue pestering you all of the time.
Then do yourself a favour and stop explaining this to him. The subtext (pardon the pun) is that your very reasonable need for space is must be so unusual, so out of the ordinary that he cannot be expected to grasp and respect it. He was born and raised on the same planet as the rest of us and he didn't get to be his age without picking up a clue or two about appropriate behaviour.
I'm wondering if some of these conversations you've had include you either trying to be nice about it, or getting angry then later making up for it by being extra nice. You must be firm, very blunt, matter of fact, brief and totally unapologetic.
Turn off your phone during the day and when you do check for messages on your way home do not respond to his. If, when you get home, he asks if you're annoyed with him tell him 'Yes' then go about your business.
I also think you should confide in close friends and family. Your boyfriend is unstable and controlling. He may not be using fear and intimidation, but he's no less controlling than one who does.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (18 November 2014): Explain to him again you can't text at work and could get fired like the rest person below said and then tell him he is starting to get needy. After 8 years hopefully you can tell him straight.
Failing that lie and say youve now got to leave your phone off at work.
Good luck
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (18 November 2014): Thanks everyone for your replies. I have told him on countless occasions that I absolutely under no circumstances cannot text at work. I've given him works number so if it's a genuine emergency he can contact me that way.. His answer to that was to call my work every lunchtime 'for a chat'. As I said, I rarely get a lunch break and if I do I'm usually eating my lunch while working! Tisha - he is needy in other ways too. We live together so it's not like I never see him. About once a week I have to bring work home (I'm the breadwinner, our lifestyle depends on my wages!) and spend a couple of hours on it, usually a Thursday to tie up the loose ends before the following week. Even though I tell him that I'll be in the study for a couple of hours finishing off he'll still interrupt me or come in for a chat or text me etc which makes it take so much longer than it would if I could just get it done in one quick session. Don't get me wrong, it's cute that he sends me sweet texts etc but it really is constant. It's not even just that, on the rare occasion I go out with friends he's on the phone all night too. To the anonymous person who said get over it and appreciate it.. We've been together 8 years and it's got more and more over the years! Believe me, I won't miss it!
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A
female
reader, mystiquek  +, writes (18 November 2014):
 Do not feed him..turn your phone off while at work and don't even turn it on if you are on a break or lunch if you think it will bother you. He needs to get the message that you absolutely cannot and will not be able to respond to his texts anytime during your work period. As another aunt suggested, if its an emergency, he call call your office/work and leave a message.
This kind of behavior would drive me insane. My kids used to do this when they were young, but they were kids! Is this man that insecure?? This would get old very quickly for me and I'd drop him, but thats just me.
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A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (18 November 2014):
 Try this:
"Hunchy-bunchy, I'm flattered that you are both so desperate to communicate with me... and, have texting availability at your work.... that you send me texts, endlessly, all day. HOWEVER, I have a REAL JOB that I go to during the day... and part of that job DOES NOT include making electronic kissy-face with you, at your whim.... Soooo, if you want me to be here, when you come home tomorrow, or any time in the future.... KNOCK OFF SENDING ME THE GODDAMN TEXTS ALL DAY!!!!! Have I made myself perfectly clear??????"
That will do it... I guarantee it!!!!
Good luck...
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (18 November 2014): I wonder what kind of job he has that he is texting all day. We just fired someone who was texting all day. I thnk this texting thing became totally insane. I don't respond to 80% of texts I receive unless it's a customer.
If I were your wood just ignore him and would not answer any of his texts. And when he asks again you tell hm, we already had this conversation.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (18 November 2014):
 That would drive me up the wall. I'm NOT a big texter, so maybe that's partly why it WOULD annoy me.
I agree with getting one of the AFK/AFP (away from keyboard - away from phone) app - and have a message put in for HIM saying = at work can't text will talk to you later.
BE FIRM. There is no other way to fix it. Don't rise to his "are you annoyed at me texts"...
People can carry on successful relationships without the constant contact of texting and calling, some just choose not to.
My husband had a couple of people under him when he served in the Army. There were definitely times where texting and being on the phone wasn't appropriate or OK - one of the females claimed she HAD to be able to text in case baby got sick - the thing is it was never about the baby. So he put in a rule, she could give HIS desk number to his babysitter and if anything was wrong he'd get a hold of her and pass on the message. He HAD to do that because she got NOTHING done as she was "too busy" being on FB, taking selfies or texting people, and got no work done.
Just be firm. Even you have to REPEAT the fact that you CAN NOT text at work many times more for it to sink it.
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A
male
reader, olderthandirt  +, writes (18 November 2014):
 Youjustneed to say to him, not text him; "look, if I get caught sending a text from my work place, I could get fired so if I don't get back to you right away, it's because Ican't not because I don't want to." If he can't understand that maybe you need to find a more coherent bf.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (18 November 2014): get over it. and appreciate the fact that he wants to speak to you and talk to you all day because trust me once you have been together for a years all this will fade out and you will wish he was like this again.
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A
female
reader, Ciar +, writes (18 November 2014):
If your current understanding is that he can text you at work and you'll respond whenever you can, you might want to change that to NO texts while at work. And turn your phone off.
When you do turn on your phone and you get all those silly messages just delete them. The next time he asks if he's done something to annoy you answer honestly. 'Yes. You keep sending me texts at work despite me telling you not to.' Do not add anything more to that. The less you say the more powerful what you do say will be.
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A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (18 November 2014):
 How old is he? How long have you been together?
Just be firm. He sounds like a child that needs discipline. Do not text him from work, period. Not at all. Turn off your phone. Give your boyfriend the phone number to your boss to call in case of an emergency. Tell him that from now on, you will NOT be checking your phone from messages from him while at work. EVEN IF you have free time or a break, and check your phone, you will NOT send him a text reply. Because you need him to stop expecting a reply while you are at work. There needs to be a clear rule on this. No texts will come from you while you are at work.
Your boyfriend sounds, honestly, like he isn't mentally balanced. Adults do not spam their partners like this and then get paranoid or take offense when they do not get a reply. He sounds like my dad, who is paranoid, bipolar and probably has Aspergers as well. My dad is not sane. He's not mentally balanced. My dad does the same thing your boyfriend does, he texts or calls, and if I fail to respond at one time he goes nuts and spams my phone with messages, where he's deeply offended about me "ignoring him" and then calls me about 20 times a day and starts talking about calling the police unless I pick up the phone. He gets fits like these.
So, unless your boyfriend is 13, he should KNOW that when you are at work, you can't message him constantly, nor should he expect a reply until you are done at work for the day. Adults, with good mental health, understand these things. Children, and adults with a mental illness, do not understand.
If your boyfriend does not understand, the realize that he is most likely not mentally healthy. This might NOT be a problem, really, if it's only slight and he is otherwise socially functional. But it will mean that you need to be VERY firm, as you would be with a child, and lay down some strict and easy to remember rules. I do this with my dad, it is the only thing that works. When my dad goes into a fit and starts spamming me and whining to me, I do not respond at all, or if I do it is a short message after a few days of ignoring him until he calms down. If he goes at me on the phone, I hang up. He learns. You need to be firm and consistent. There are certain things I will not accept from my father, and I have been very strict these lasts years, and now I finally see the results: he has learned what NOT to talk about, and in what manner NOT to talk to me. His fits happen more rarely now.
I don't think your boyfriend is as severe a case as my dad, but your tactic still needs to be the same. Be extremely firm and lay down some clear rules. If you let this behaviour continue, he will get worse. Like a child that does not get boundaries, he will go crazy and just push your limits. So you need to set the boundaries now, before this becomes an unmanageable problem.
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (18 November 2014):
 Get one of those apps that auto-reply to him. "Not available - at work"
Record one of your conversations about how you cannot reply at work and play it back to him if he starts in again.
Is this the only way he is clingy and dependent or is this just the straw that broke the camel's back?
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A
male
reader, BrownWolf +, writes (18 November 2014):
"have I said something to annoy you"... Yes, you are annoying me because you are not listening... He is a grown man, and should be spoken to as such. The truth hurts sometimes, but it is the only way to get through to some people.
Put yourself in his place...if you were annoying someone you love, you would like to be told up front so you don't keep doing it...right?
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