A
male
age
36-40,
*ostChris
writes:HiOkay I'll try to keep this short as it's nearly 5am here and I need some sleep.So I'm currently seeing this guy and it's really only the 2nd time that we have met physically prior to this we met online and then we e-mailed then we talked on the phone then we webcam and just last week we met for the first time and now he has come over to might to stay for 2 days. (this being the second night and he leaves this morning) Anyways I am aware that this seems to be moving fast but every time we have interacted we have always been on the same page and we feel the same way about each other and we are always truthful about the way we feel about things and each other. He is a really great guy and probably the best guy I have ever dated which is saying lot since we have only really known each other about a month.So things were going great, we were having fun and enjoying each others company the first day but then towards the first night he asked if he could have some space i.e not sleep in the same bed as I only had a single. I said that was fine and I slept in different bedroom but then in the night I suggested that we move to a larger bedroom and just sleep there together and he said that would be fine. (Currently living at home parents away so we used my brothers room while he was also way)Then the second day things were going great till about the middle of the day after a phone call from one of my friends asking if we could hang out but I was busy with my boyfriend.Then things went from great to bad. I could tell something was wrong so I asked him and he said that he doesn't feel the same way about me as he thought he would and said that he kinda thinks of me as friend I was ofcourse taken back and asked why and he said he felt a bit smothered by my affection and that he had no space so I backed off we still held hands and kissed and cuddled but not as much as we had done/as much as I wanted but I understood that I was being a bit full on but it's only cause I like him so much.I then asked him what would happen next and he said he would have to think about thinks but that we weren't necessarily over but that things weren't looking good. I then braced myself for a I thought inevitable break-up. And towards the end of the evening I was ready for it as I felt that I can't make someone like me so it not really mine or his fault it was just the way it was.But as we ere going to bed I asked him what he liked about me which lead to him telling me that he thought I was arrogant. I asked him to example and he told me that I had called him a "weirdo" in a rather defensive manner when I had not understood something and I had offended him. I tried to tell him that I did not mean it in that way I don't think that at all even on a sub-conscious level. It is merely something I have picked up from a friends mannerisms and I have copied. I wasn't even aware I was doing it. I apologized immediately. He said that cause of this I didn't seem like the same person he thought he knew and that this is what I am like. I tried to tell him that it is not a part of who I am it is just an annoying habit that I have picked up and that I would stop if it offended him so. But he said that he didn't think I could change as it is who I am and that if he is having doubts this early on isn't a good sign.I told him that even thought we haven't know each other very long that I care a lot about him and I still think I don't deserve him and that if dropping such a small mannerism would make sure he would stay with me that it would be no sweat.He said that he would think it over and that there was nothing I could say to influence his decision as that's just the way he is.After that we chatted before going to sleep I made sure to make him laugh so he wasn't thinking about our discussion before he went to bed as he was getting angry about it as he feels that this mannerism is a lot more of problem then I do cause I know i can stop doing it as it's not a part of my character.So my question is really what should I do next? I know I have to give him his space will he thinks things through but isn't there something I can do to reassure him that I can get rid of this annoying habit?Cheers Chris
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male
reader, LostChris +, writes (23 September 2010):
LostChris is verified as being by the original poster of the questionFinal update for this...So I got a response and it was as expected. He isn't ready for a relationship or any kind of dating and wants to be single for a while. I'm to surprised to be honest but I at least glad there is closure. Upon first writing this I was still deeply in involved and emotionally connected to him but so much had happened in such a small period of time, I guess I was just so detached from the whole thing. I'm sad that it didn't work out but I ain't devastated it's just one of those things and life goes on.We agreed to try being friends which I have never been with an ex so we will see what happens.I think for the time being I'm gonna stay single myself as I think it maybe a good thing for me to start being able to enjoy just being by myself something that I usually don't do.Thanks for everyone for all there comments and advice :)And Chigirl if you ever want to give your take on my life's events again just message me and I'll give you the scoop lolNot so LostChris
A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (23 September 2010):
 I think it would be good for you to take some time and think about things. The way you have reacted to this I really feel is overdramatic. How can you care about someone so much after such a short time, the guy said he wasn't even sure of who you were. He still feels he needs to get to know you. You on the other hand talk like you are on the verge of a divorce, already married and now he has filed for the divorce papers, so you don't know what to do and push him away as you will only make matters worse...?
Slow down. A lot. If you are a person who gets easily attached, be aware of that yourself. Maybe you should write your guy an e-mail saying that you will give him the time to think, but that you wanted to say a few things before he makes up his mind. One: you get easily attached to others and that you already care about him. Two: you talked to your friend about the badmouthing and had her appologize. You wish you could have gotten her to appologize in person, but at least now he will know that you didn't accept the behaviour. Then appologize on her behalf.
See it doesn't matter that you justify this all to me. Actually it doesn't help your case at all to justify things to yourself. What you need to do is get an appology out there and take responsibility. Yes, you are not responsible for what your friend said, but if your friend talks badly about your boyfriend you have the choice of not talking to her about him and keeping your private life private... So it is your responsibility that he heard what she said. You allowed that to happen. And he doesn't know that you talked to your friend about it afterwards. For all he knows you were talking about him behind his back and agreeing to what she said.
The last thing you can do is for your own health. See things in perspective. You liked this guy. He wasn't sure. Not the end of the world. No one is a dickhead or messed up, you didn't mess up, he just wasn't sure, it wasn't the right time. Hopefully he will give it another shot. But if he doesn't, it's not like you were engaged exactly.
You met him twice. And he has you sitting up at 5am in the morning, writing for help already. If you react this strongly to everything then you won't get much sleep. The first time a guy had me sitting up at 5am in the morning was when my fiancee and I broke up, and we still lived together, and sleeping in the same bed as him was so painful that I sat up all night online. I hope that helped you put things in perspective. You have done the same now. Over a guy you have met twice, who you don't really know yet.
He's just not worth that much of a bother. Not yet. If the relationship continues, yay, great. If it doesn't it's not the end of the world, and definitely not worth siting up at 5 am over.
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A
male
reader, LostChris +, writes (23 September 2010):
LostChris is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for the response chi girl :)
Firstly I haven't given up I just don't know where I stand at the moment. When I get a reply from him then I'll know as currently I'm just not sure what I feel.
I didn't tell my friend to apologize at the time as I had to hang up the phone when he ran off and after he told me he didn't want to see her for a lift or even think about her as he was so pissed off. When I met up with her later though I did tell her off about it and that she undoubtedly made matters worse. I did stand up for my boyfriend as she doesn't know him and she can't just go around saying things about that and I didn't say anything bad about him to her I simply said what had happened and that I didn't want to lose him.
As for why I was sad and on the verge of tears I thought it was obvious that a guy I really care about is taking step after step away from me and there is nothing I can do about it. I am giving up him the time and space that he needs right now but when he is in my house and I am feeling like everything I am doing is just making things worse I feel the need to have him leave so I don't upset him more and myself.
I think too much has happened now to make me think we will stay together. He even told me not to get my hopes up and that it didn't look good.
This isn't case of me falling apart at the first sign of trouble this is me falling apart when I feel I'm about to lose someone very important to me.
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A
female
reader, chigirl +, writes (23 September 2010):
You have to understand that people react differently. He said he needed time to think. And then you go on about why would he want that, he distanced himself from you, he doesn't really want to date, I am in tears.... All that. All the man wanted is time to think. It means nothing less, nothing more. You need to calm down. You don't have to defend yourself to me. But you have to defend yourself to your boyfriend, and it seems as though you have given up? You knew your friend is bad mouthed, yet did you tell her to apologize? Did you stand up for your boyfriend? Did you assure him that you hadn't said anything bad about him to her?
Instead of accepting that he needs time to think, you blow this up. As a type of "well if you want time to think then I don't want to be in a relationship with you"- attitude. Its like either or with you. Either he loves you over the top, and at the slightest problem in the relationship/dating phase, where he wants to think, you want to get out. Don't be so scared of rejection. Don't blame it all on him. Don't say he " just disconnected from me completely", because he didn't. He told you this didn't mean it was over, but that he wanted to think. Thats not disconnecting. Thats holding on.
I am worried that you are feeling entitled to be hurt and want nothing but to be put on a pedestal. Why has this made you fall apart and sitting in tears? Why do you think this means he breaks up with you? Why do you feel all this? Are you broken up? No. Dont treat it like a break-up until it is, or you will surely have a break-up. If you want to sit around and sulk (pardon the expression) he wont have anything to do with you. So, if you want this relationship, be a bit stronger. Don't be so scared of every little bump. All relationships have bumps. You can't fall to pieces as soon as anything negative happens. It is not all roses and rainbows 100% of the time. If what you and him have is good, then you will work though it! Believe in that.
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A
male
reader, LostChris +, writes (23 September 2010):
LostChris is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI'm glad to have another response to this and I'd like to address your thoughts on the situation chigirl :)
I admit that the whole experience could have been handle differently but in my defense I did understand where he was coming from originally when he said my habit offended him but I ressured him there was nothing to it and that cause I liked him so much if that was what it would to take to change his opinion I would do it cause as I stated before it wasn't a habit I do offend and I know I could phase it out if I wanted to. But he wasn't having any of it, I opened myself to him and put myself out there about how much I liked him and how I didn't wanted to lose him. But he just disconnected from me completely.
The whole morning was really painful for me to sit in my house while someone I had thought less than 24 hours ago liked me as much as I like him was now totally void of any kind of connection towards me. I sat downstairs nearly in tears at how badly things were going and at the prospect of losing him.
l
I didn't bad mouth him to my friend she has always been an abrasive person and has a very pessimistic view on most things. I am usually concerned when I introduce her to people as she can come across as a bit of a bitch really. But I know about her other side and she is a good friend to me and been there when I have needed her most. I had told my bf about this before and some of the struggles with her in the past before. I had wanted to wait awhile before she and him would meet in case something like this would happen.
I'm not perplexed by why he was offended by my friend or how he could be offended by my bad habit I am confused by his wanting to go back and think things through as he gave me a whole list of reasons why he didn't want to be with me. to me it seemed clear by his manner on the last day of not talking to me and being so distant that he didn't want to continue dating.
As I said before I'm not sure how I feel at the moment as the whole day had left me numb. I would have to see what his reply would be before I would know how I would feel about things.
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A
female
reader, chigirl +, writes (23 September 2010):
You will be offended by this, but you are acting like a 14 year old girl. It seems everything is about you and the world revolves around you. Your friends need to back you up whenever you feel the slightest uncomfortable, you let them offend him, and then you are "perplexed" when he is hurt by this.
The guy has been talked down, both by you and your friends. First you offend him, then you appologize. Next thing you feel a tiny bit uncomfortable, and unable to DEAL with it, you hide away behind an appointment and a friend. First you reschedule the appointment so you can control the situation and make the guy do what you want him to do (leave earlier), and next you call your friend to "fill her in on the situation". What situation? Was there a situation, or perhaps dramatizing? And if you really told her what you told us, she wouldn't be calling him a dick head. No one on here would call him a dick head, you were the one who offended him, not the other way around. I suspect you were backtalking your boyfriend. And that is EXACTLY what your boyfriend was thinking too. Add that to how you offended him the day before, and you should understand why he is upset and needs time to think.
The way you treat him is horrible. Yet all you see is your own confusion. This isn't really hard to get. You offended him, not once but twice, and instead of dealing with it you sit back and expect him to make you feel all comfortable again. Your excuse is that you have emotionally pulled back.
If you want to salvage this, you need to put yourself emotionally out there again, and dare to take a little rejection. This guy obviously cares a lot about you, otherwise he's simply end it right away. Do you care about him at all? Your post doesn't say that you are hurt or miss him or want him in your life. Do you just wish he would end it? Then maybe you shouldn't sit back and wait, but end things yourself.
Tough love my dear, but I think you need to hear it and get some perspective.
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A
male
reader, LostChris +, writes (23 September 2010):
LostChris is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for the responses guys they were very helpful :)Quick update I guess...(I really meant a LONG UPDATE)So the next morning after this I had to go into town for an appointment but I woke up really early to tidy/sort stuff out for later and he just slept in. This was really bothering me as it was getting really awkward and unpleasant for me. So I called a rescheduled my appointment for earlier and I told him we had to leave. (I don't drive so I was going to see him back via bus) He went for a bath and I called my friend and asked her if she could give us a lift instead of catching the bus and I filled her in on the situation.He came downstairs and we talk for a little bit and he told me again that he was going to go home and think about things and that by no means were things over between us officially confusing me. Then my friend called back and asked when we wanted the lift and I told her that we had to make sure that he could catch the bus back and she said over the phone loud enough so he could hear "Who cares what the dickhead wants" he then stormed out of the house and tried to leave I ran after him and got him back inside. I apologized for my friend's behavior and said she was just being protective of me. He said he was pissed off and he didn't wanna get a lift from her which I said was fine. We ended up getting the bus into town in silence and when we got to the bus park for his connecting bus we hardly talked at all.We said our goodbyes and he hugged me saying that he would still go home and think about things still leaving me perplexed. Then later that night he text me asking if I was alright ending it with a x.At this point I have taken a massive emotional step away from him as the whole experience happened way too quickly for me to handle and I feel emotionally drained by it. I really can't understand why he needs to go away and think about whether he wants to be with me though as he had given me so many reasons for why he wanted to end it....I'm gonna wait for a reply anyways and I'll let you guys know what happens.
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A
female
reader, eyeswideopen  +, writes (22 September 2010):
 You call THIS keeping it short? I will keep it short, listen to chigirl.
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A
female
reader, chigirl +, writes (22 September 2010):
The only way you can reassure him that you will stop the annoying habit, is to actually stop the habit. But I am not sure if he will give you enough time to show him that. You should also take great caution, because habits are hard to change! You might have gotten so used to it that you don't even notice it yourself when you do it.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (22 September 2010): If he is worth your time he will not let this ruin this whole thing you both have going. Trust me, as frustrating as it is, the ball is now in his court, you just have to wait to see if he comes back to you and says, yea okay lets take this further. Unfortunately you have given your side and have to just wait now. Try be patient and don't get upset with yourself. I'm sure that he will see it's not that big a deal, I really don't think it is personally.
Give him a couple days, then maybe send him a short non emotional email or something to remind him hey I'm waiting for you remember?! and in the mean time focus on other things, work, hobbies etc. Don't overthink, that's the worst thing to do. Goodluck!
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