A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I have been in a relationship for a year now. Things are pretty great between us and I am considering living together but he seems to disagree. Both of us currently work part time and live at home, whilst saving up for a deposit. However, usually me, spend some nights at his/his Dad's place. We seem to be okay so I would like to try it out for longer to see if we really work out, epsecially before progressing to marriage or something. He says that couples should not live together til they are married as that is when they will 'buy their own property and start a brand new life together'. His parents had this mentality and so did his previous generation. My Mum, and some of my friends take my opinion. Who is 'correct'? And does he object because he isn't as keen and/or serious as he appears to be? What should I do? Please help. Reply to this Question
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female
reader, So_Very_Confused  +, writes (10 April 2012):
 Neither of you is correct.
It is what it is. Until I was older I did not see ever think I would live with someone.
My BFF does not believe in it.
One of her children did it
ONE did not
My father thought it a horrible idea till he met someone he refused to marry but they moved in together
I remember him calling me all ashamed to tell me at 63 he was "living in sin" THIS IS WHAT IT WAS CALLED just until recently.
I am currently living with my fiance. But by the time we agreed to move in together we were planning to marry.
IF you want to and he does not, there is not much you can do.
But to be honest, since neither of you lives on your own and neither of you works full time, I think that the discussion about living together is a bit premature.
A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (10 April 2012):
 Apparently right now, with two part time jobs, you could not even afford to live on your own, or it would be a big stretch, so it makes perfect sense to wait until you are more settled.
But it sounds that you are disappointed because he's not as keen as you to play house. It's not surprising-many girls think of living together as something fun, exciting and romantic and they can't wait to get started even before they HAVE to, i.e. when they get married.
And many men- plus yours truly, albeit female - don't quite see it that way. They ( we ) realize that, as much as you love your partner, living together is ALSO a sacrifice, and a compromise of your tastes and preferences, so why rush : You have to blend and mesh your lifelong habits and routines with another person's, you have to get used to each other quirks 24/7 , you have to share spaces that maybe at home would be all yours. You sleep peacefully in your own bed, and now you share a bed with someone who maybe snores, or steals the sheets, or rolls around- doing it once a week after sex is cute and sweet,..everyday , a bit less. When you are on your own, you can be as quiet as you want, or as happy as you want , you don't have to explain and justify at once your moods, or change of the same. If your bedroom is messy, you can leave it messy, if instead you are a neatness freak you know nobody will touch your precious collection of Greatest Hits from the 70s CDs. And sex ? If you don't live together, you are ALWAYS looking forward to it, and anticipating it mentally, you live in a state of herotic haze. When you share the same bed- it's always at hand, which, surely, has its pros, but, in a way, its cons too.
And so on and so forth :)
Basically- living together ain't no picnic. Love conquers all, sure. But...no need it must conquer it all before it's time :)
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (10 April 2012): Maybe he wants to live at home with his parents the rest of his life because at the age 29 parttime job living at home doesn't seem like a man with responsibilities. I like the way you're thinking, yes!!!!!! I would want to move in together before spending a lot of money on a wedding, this way you will find out if you two are meant to be together , it could cost $1,500.00 to get married and $15,000.00 to get a divorce but first you both needs to get a full time job, its not easy out here.And on the other hand I can see him not wanting to move in together if you two were virgins but sound like that is not the case, sounds like he's making excuses.If you move in together before marriage and it doesn't work then you can just get your $..t and walk out but once you get married and it doesn't work, the court will decide who gets what so the answer is yes to your question!!!!!!!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (10 April 2012): This is quite an old fashioned view, immediately I think "what other old fashion views is he hanging on to?" Take a look at his parents and grandparents relationships, do they believe the woman in the relationship should cook, clean etc... Because if they do then perhaps he holds that view too, which would worry me as I believe both people should work and both should equally contribute to the running of the home.
Some people think living together before marriage results in more divorces but I think you get a brilliant insight on how you cope. A relationship is very different once you both have to cope with paying bills, shopping etc... My partner and I are much stronger for this whereas friends of ours have split because when they lived together they realised they weren't actually a great match! So I would agree with you but only from personal experience knowing it made my relationship 100% better!
From what you say about both working part time, there is no way on part time wages a mortgage company will even look at you seriously and you can't just work full time for a month before applying for a mortgage, they want to see a long work history so they know your job is secure. Having just bought a property with my partner they looked not only at our wages but every single line of our bank statements for the past six months. If you seriously want to live together then you both need to try and find full time employment or find another part time job alongside you current job. Even renting require 2months rent up front as a deposit and the price of renting is sky high too and include council tax, electricity, gas, food, phone, Internet, tv licence etc... It's demanding!
Best of luck in whatever you do xx
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (10 April 2012): Neither of you are in a position to live together,run a home financially at the moment so its a long way off. He has old fashioned views on marriage and co-habiting and you have modern ones. There is no right or wrong just different.
You are just learning something new about him,thats what dating is for. Talk to him and decide whats more important to you, your views or him.
Does he approve of sex before marriage or is that not allowed either?
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A
female
reader, person12345 +, writes (10 April 2012):
 No one is "correct." It's just differing beliefs. It's old-fashioned for sure, but some people place a lot of emphasis on tradition. You both need to simply sit down and talk about the pros and cons and both state why you want what you want.
If it's a financial reason, you don't have to actually purchase a property. You could rent until marriage.
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A
female
reader, PerhapsNot +, writes (10 April 2012):
 No one is right or wrong. This is about preference and choices in life. You two just happen to have different opinions on the topic. I certainly can understand the pros and cons for both arguments. It simply depends on who has the stronger conviction and whether or not this will be a deal breaker for you or him.
Truthfully though, I think your financial situation is the real problem. You both work part-time and living together, paying rent, utilities, groceries and everything in between on part-time paychecks will cause financial stress/hardship for the both of you. If you were to live together, I strongly recommend you both have full-time employment. There is no need to create an unstable financial foundation when living together. Relationships are hard enough without adding money problems to the pot.
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A
female
reader, joanna11 +, writes (10 April 2012):
it could be for religious reasons and hes just embarrassed to tell you plus those are opinions and there is no right answer. the best thing you can do is talk about it with him. give both your sides and discuss the advatages of it tand the disadvantages of living together.
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A
female
reader, celtic_tiger +, writes (10 April 2012):
 I dont think either is 'correct' as in neither of you are right or wrong.
it is just a difference in upbringing and opinion.
There are some who believe in no sex before marriage - just because others dont agree, doesnt make them 'wrong'.
It sounds like he may be far more old-fashioned than you are. That would have been more common for your parents and grandparents because back then it was considered 'wrong' to live with a man out of wedlock. Nowadays where co-habiting is deemed more socially acceptable people take living together for granted. Women were often considered tramps in the past if they lived with a man and had a sexual relationship without being married.
It stems from the woman being the property of a man, until she was married, her father was responsible for her, and when she married that responsibility passed to her husband.
This is something you and him need to talk about and work through. Relationships are about compromise, and being able to communicate and work through problems.
You need to talk to him, explain your thinking just as you have here. If he cannot discuss and talk about things, then what else might be not be able to compromise or discuss?
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