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female
age
51-59,
*venmorconfussed
writes: I have been with my husband for three years. We have a combined 7 children, including one together. He has always been what you would call a "free spirit", But lately I have caught him lying, and he has been less attentive than usual. He doesnt call as often, or sometimes not at all. He does nothing when he gets home, like he doesnt have the energy. He often promises me things, such as a quiet evening together or a movie with the kids, but changes his mind at the last minute due to a ball game or some other stupid crap.Last night The baby and I was sick, of course he is out of town on business, He knew we were both very sick, but he chose to go out to have a "few" drinks with the guy he is working with rather than calling to check on us, Then he lied about where he had been. When I confront him, he becomes angry and often tries to place the blame on me. I have no idea of what to do, or how to "get his attention" other than leaving him. At this point I am not sure that would even do any good. I think I have threatned him so much with leaving that he does not believe me and does not respect me.What do I do? Reply to this Question
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female
reader, Lilly223  +, writes (11 January 2007):
 The last four words in your question spoke volumes. "He does not respect me." You are right, he doesn't respect you. And he knows no matter how much he promises he can get away with not doing it because you have been doing the same thing to him when you 'promise' you are going to leave and don't do it. Although they are different promises, neither on of you follow through with it. His attitude is, "No matter what I do she isn't going anywhere."
Listen, marriages don't get to this point if both parties are on the same page. The two of you are not. You are going through a power struggle. You yell, nag, feel hurt and disappointed. He responds with shutting him self down, ignoring you and defensively turing the blame on you. It is no wonder the two of you are not getting along.
What do you do? The first step is to begin to communicate to him how you feel... calmly, clearly, and with out attacking him. Explain to him that 7 children are a lot of work and that you need help. He may have the attitude that "I go out and earn the money to support you and the kids... my job is done when I get home. Your job is to raise those kids, use the money I make to pay the bills and take care of the house,(and work too if that is the arrangement you have.)" Unfortunatly, parenting isn't an 8 hour a day job with weekends off. It's 24/7 hands on work for 18 plus years. He needs to understand that, and help out when he gets home. His responsibility doesn't stop when he punches the time clock. There IS no clock for you to punch.
It appears that you have attempted to talk to him, but he doesn't want to hear any of this to you. If that continues to be the case, suggest that the two of you go to see a counselor to work on your marriage. A neutral third party that can listen to both of your issues, and who is trained to educate couples on communication, and working together can do wonders, if approached with an open mind. If he refuses to go (you can't make him), go by yourself. It will help you release some frustration, learn how to deal with him and learn about yourself. A counselor will also help you make a decision about your marriage. Is it worth staying in, or would you be happier somewhere else." Until these questions are answered, I would refrain from threatening him with leaving unless you plan on doing it.
I realize it is frustrating, and difficult to remain in a marriage that is not functioning, but it can't function if you can't or won't work on it. Rather than raise your hands above your head and give up, begin to fight with knowledge and understanding. Perhaps if he sees you calmly speak to him, communicate clearly with out attacking and theatening him, he will see that maybe this counseling isn't as bad as he thinks it is.
I hope this helps. I know it is an overwhelming situation to find yourself in, and often you must feel that you don't have a free second to even think a rational thought. I am glad that you took the time to write this question, and consider what I have said. I understand how you feel, I understand your anger, and your frustration, and the only way to relieve this is to work on this marriage.
Best Wishes, Lilly
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