A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I fell in love with a married man. He claims he loves me deeply and I'm his true love. While he is married, he has no love for his wife, who abuses him verbally and uses their child against him. She guards their daughter, tells her lies about the father, and tries all ways and means to minimize bonding between them. He loves his daughter very much. Consequently, he does not want to leave his wife for fear that he would lose his child. He thinks a divorce would damage his daughter and the girl would also choose to be with his wife. He also says that as much as marrying her was a mistake, they are also his responsibility. I'm in so much pain. I've met his wife. Truth is, she is nasty and self-centred. So I don't understand why he would still want to stay in this marriage. I do not agree with him that staying with her would do the daughter any good. The child is already suffering the effects of the dysfunctional family. She has already learnt to lie and play both parents to get what she wants. So I wonder if what he says are all convenient excuses. I don't know what to do. I don't know what to think.
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female
reader, Malina +, writes (21 May 2009):
Ladies, I have learned from experience - after many an emotional roller coaster ride - that you just need to give the guys space. You might love them, but as long as the man you love is married to someone else, you can't expect anything from them.
I met my soul mate, my confidante and lover. But I knew it was all the wrong time. There was no point me even hinting at asking him to leave his wife and daughter back then; it would have just placed pressure on him. Plus, it wasn't fair. He needed to sought things out with his wife first.
So I decided to be as nice as I possibly could. Everytime he called, I was cheerful. I was never never critical of him not calling, even if he hadn't called in a couple of weeks. If he was late to meet me, or he couldn't stay as long as I wanted him to, again, I just bit my lip. Why? So I never pressured him.
Eventually, the emotional roller coaster ride became too much. So I left the country. Before doing so, I told him I still loved him and wanted to be with him, but that it was too hard on me continuing the way it was. Instead I told him that I was not closing the door on him and that I'd like to stay in touch. When/if he ever felt ready to leave his wife that he should come and look me up and see if the chemistry between us still existed.
In the meantime though, I warned him that I was going to move on with my life and date other people. Therefore, there was no promise I'd still be available when he was ready to be exclusive with me.
I stuck to my guns and did exactly that - I dated other people, got busy, happy and treated him lower down on my priorities. It didn't mean I loved him less and yes, it was hard to date others but better than being 2nd best forever and it kept the man I did love on his toes. He called me once or twice a fortnight for over 2 years and emailed occasionally (2 liners). Our friendship was platonic for that whole time. Then one day out of the blue, he was ready - the catalyst being his daughter left home.
He flew to see me and we had an amazing week together. Then he left his wife, sorted out the divorce. And yes, we are finally getting married, but nearly 5 years after everything started.
It's a patience game. Don't scare him away by putting pressure on your guy. He has got to leave his wife, because he doesn't want to be with her any more. He shouldn't leave her for a mistress. Marriage is more important than that.
As for being critical of your lover's wife - I doubt you will ever know the true story. Your lover will only tell you what he wants you to hear. He doesn't want you to think there is someone else he could be remotely fond of. We all act a little crazy when we are under enough pressure. So if you think she's the dragon lady, perhaps you have seen the worst of her; perhaps that is just her going out of her mind that her husband is cheating on her. Can you imagine how much stress you'd be under if your husband didn't come home and you thought he was with another woman?
A
female
reader, eyeswideopen  +, writes (4 January 2009):
 Sorry ladies but you are in total denial. You KNOW that if these MM were truly miserable and truly loved you they would move Heaven and earth to be with you. You are ALLOWING the liars to have everything on a silver platter. You will, down the road, very much regret this precious time you have wasted on these CADS. Tell them to piss or get off the pot, you have a life you need to live.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 January 2009): Hi Silhouette,
Guess that question can only be answered by the men themselves and we may never know what's the truth with them.
Yeah, their actions appear very misguided to us. But unfortunately they don't see it or they refused to or pretend not to. Sometimes I get very emotionally exhausted trying to understand and to give him a chance....
It is so true. It hurts so much to try to leave, it also hurts to stay. There are so many what ifs aren't there? Perhaps like what other anonymous said - finding the strength to walk away.
How old are his kids, by the way? Frankly, I would think they are not that dumb and if they are past childhood, they can see how the relationship is between the parents and how miserable they are. Perhaps yours should just pluck up the courage and ask his kids for "permission" to leave and start life afresh, if that is what he is strangely seeking - their approval, if not agreement for him to leave. It might be a relief for everyone in his family to have a closure....Just a thought that came to mind. Hope I didn't upset you somehow.
As for mine, he keeps saying that we can't be selfish and leave the child to rot with that kind of mother. I had told him he is being selfish by allowing his daughter to live in such a dysfunctional family and getting her destroyed. It is already broken family, though all of them are staying in the same place...Sigh, I don't know what to think. He needs to be honest with himself. If he is truly misguided, then perhaps hope that he'll see light? But if it is for some other self centred reason he is staying in the relationship, then when the truth is known, it would be devastating for me...
It must have been very hard for you to set the ultimatum. I have not found the guts or strength yet. Understand what you mean to find out if our MM will put us first. Logically and sensibly I guess that is what we should do....I do hope that yours will come to his senses very soon.
I hope I hadn't made you feel worse. Take care...
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A
female
reader, Silhouette  +, writes (2 January 2009):
I truly don't know.
I believe mine does but is just tied up in his responsibilities and his misguided view that they are better off with him as a husband and father than just as a father.
So I have to believe that yours does too because it can't be 1 for me and 1 for you.
i know, it tears you up inside. His familt live abroad (she moved there becuase she couldn't live with him) so he's been there nearly 2 weeks. The hardest period of the year and he is absent?! But I carry on - I ahve no idea why!!!
I wish I had a crystal ball. I have to believe that whilst this is the status quo something will (eventually) tip it one way or another and until then I just got to roll with the punches because I'm hurt each way.
Whilst I don't want to regret spending time waiting for him I don't want to regret not waiting for him! So what to do??!!
As for society cheering - there is far too much about the sordid side then the met my true love but can't have him, portray the wife as crazy and make everyone want bit to work out movie box office hit side!
I don't believe we are hurting anyone but ourselves & them if their wives don't want them. Granted there are kids issues but surely they'll be hurt either way....or am I just hoping??
Fingers crossed your question is now too old for me to get slated for saying that.
please contact me wheneva! x
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 January 2009): Hi Silhouette
Not worries. No apologies needed. :)
I have no one to turn to, to talk to. Often I feel so alone and in so much pain that I feel like dying. It is as if there is no meaning in life anymore. Just didn't know what to do. My friends won't understand and being mistresses are not something that society cheers about, isn't it?
So do you think mine truly loves me, but stuck in a rut? Or he is just another cad? How is it with you ladies? Sometimes I tend to swing to the extremes regarding his true intentions and character.
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A
female
reader, Silhouette +, writes (1 January 2009):
Please don't think I just accept whatever I am given.
I'm still relatively new to all of this and this has been my first Christmas & New Year experience which has been both eventful (me) and distressing (both) to say the least.
I'm just trying to 'start' as I mean to go on (if I do at all). I am quite an analytical person and have 'researched' if that is the right word how affairs seem to progress on sites like this. I guess I was initially trying to seek some comfort in what I was doing by comparison but have failed.
Am therefore trying to set ground rules to prevent myself getting hurt both now and in the future (ALTHOUGH I'M INEVITABLY GONNA!. Having been disappointed by his inability to see me we are now on a final warning scenario. He is in another country with his family and has 7 days in which to see me on his return. I hate ultimatums and oppose using them but I have to know if he is willing at any point to put me first. (In theory this should be easier when his family live thousands of miles away but sometimes they still seep in.)
I expect that he'll say yes, set a date and then 2 deays before start laying the groundwork for the night before cancellation but I have to give him the benefit of the doubt (don't we all otherwise what are we doing??).
I have learnt a lot from the questions and advice given on this site and am really grateful for it. I only put forward my thoughts and (short) experiences to try and assist, I'm not sure if they achieve this or not.
sorry anonymous, have stolen your column!
It is interesting your comments on him being willing to let you go if it's best for you but then he didn't want to let go. Maybe I'm encountering the same thing. I did try to end things before he went away but I ended up feeling bad! and agreed when he asked me to beart with him whilst he sorted things. It's probably the one thing every mistress clings to what - what are they sorting out, does this mean it'll finally happen? I truely doubt it's that but whilst there is a feignt glimmer of suggestion I might not be able to get out.
Am glad I put my point accross because it's made me analyse things in a way I might not have naturally got round to until I was much further in. Thanks Ladies.
Apologies again, for stealing your column again!!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (1 January 2009): Hi,
As much as I hate to think about it, but yeah - I suspect for me to walk away on my own accord, it makes him feel less guilty!
He has on occasions called his wife a "bastard" when she creates a lot of trouble at home for him and makes him suffer alot. He has even cried in frustration. Yet he comes up with reasons that she will not change, and so he can't do anything about it. She and the child are still his responsibility. But can he really not do anything??
She tries to control him. She does not help him out, but instead meddles in his life, even in his business. Anyone she takes a dislike to, she becomes nasty and rude, without provocation. He himself has said that she has caused him to lose clients and working partners in the past. I had suggested to get her completely out of his business, but he hesitates, saying it would upset her further and she would create trouble for him, usually by using their own daughter as a pawn. He himself has also admitted he knows she is using their child to control him. Can nothing really be done??
If I was him, I would divorce her and fight for custody for the child, if he really wanted to do good by his daughter. Even if the child is unhappy now, but it would be for her own good in the long term. The dysfunctional family situation is already teaching her all the wrong perceptions about family and relationships. The child may not appreciate now of being taken away from a bad influence, but when she grows up and matures, she likely would.
Actually, I don't really insist he has to leave his wife so long as he has control over his own life and matters. That was the impression I got when we first got together. But as time passes, the impression I get is that he is constantly dancing around her moods and as if he is walking on egg shells. He has said that whether there is a reason to or not, she will create trouble for him when she feels like it.
I totally agree with him that no matter what he does, she will not change her behaviours. And frankly, I feel, in part, it is because he has allowed it all these years. She has been reinforced and has always gotten her way with her temper tantrums and trouble making. I've told him so during the times when we quarrel over our situation. I thought he should just stand firm and strong, and not let her bully him anymore. He just asks me how to do that, and he just takes it as I don't understand his situation. He even asks me back once why does he need to have control over her (behaviours). I don't really know if he is really helpless or pretending to be. The word coward has also came to mind.
So am I really not understanding enough? Am I being too idealistic to think that actually he can make the changes or take control of his own life IF he WANTS to?
There was once he got so upset with her, and divorce was close to mind, he said that she did not deserve to get a single cent from him. So, sad as it is, it sometimes makes me wonder if that is the reason he is putting up with the atrocious treatment, so that he does not lose any of his assets in the divorce.
I don't know how much he has, but I guess it is a lot to him (he rose from poverty) to "sacrifice" the other woman whom he claims is the love of his life!
What happened to the gentle, but strong man who works hard and would protect the loved ones?
His actions and words have created doubts. Yet he says they are self-inflicted. He has done nothing to hurt me deliberately (guess it's o.k. if it is not deliberate?? That it is his circumstances has tied his hands on many matters?) and he truly loves me.
Does he? To hurt the person he loves so deeply and feels is his soulmate?
I am total emotional mess! I love him, but what am I to think of all these?
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (1 January 2009): We must remember that our MM's lives are only as 'miserable' as they tell us they are. We shall never know what goes on behind their front doors.
In general, men are cowards. Of course they would rather that we are the ones to finish the relationship. because that avoids confrontation and also gets them out of a difficult situation. The fall out with us is not going to be nearly as ghastly as the fall out with their wives/families.
As long as our MM are prepared to live a lie and as long as we are prepared to let them live it, the affair will continue.
Silhoutte, I think it is fantastic that you are content with whatever your MM can offer you. I only wish I could think likewise. But more than that, I really wish I had the strength to walk away from the pain and hurt I go through all the time wanting to be with him. I need to find that inner strength somehow.......because it isn't right for me to put my life on hold any more, wishing and hoping for something that just isn't going to happen - no matter how often he tells me that there is still a chance. He is too clever at covering his tracks to really want it to happen.
Yes girls, we know that they love us - deeply. But they clearly just don't love us enough.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (1 January 2009): Hi Silhouette,
Yeah, your thoughts are like mine. I had refused to have the relationship on his terms only. I love him, and I can devote wholeheartedly to him and help him with his business to that he does not have to worry about his livelihood. Not sure if I'm being self-fish, but that would not include embracing his wife or her lifestyle!
He keeps saying I should know how his situation is and how he is living his life. He can't do anything to change his circumstances. I think he also expects me to trust him totally and not question him.
There is so much pain, I had wanted to leave. But like yours, he didn't want to let go; though he said he would understand and want what is good for me if I think leaving is the solution. But recently something happened (yet to know what), and he then said that he has responsibilities and his family is his 1st priority and so we can't be together. I guess, the unspoken is unless I agree to live this relationship on his terms.
He also chooses to live a miserable life because of his mistake and now responsibilities. But sometimes I wonder, if he was that responsible, he shouldnt' have started with me. It's cruel to make someone love you and then drop it when the going gets tough.
Sometimes I feel its best to leave him. At times, I feel I can do it, but other times it hurts so much.
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A
female
reader, Silhouette +, writes (31 December 2008):
I don't like that...that it has to be on his terms or you aren't meant to be together??!!
Surely you have to agree terms that are beneficial to both in some way?
I not been in this long enough to know whether that is the way it'll go but I don't think I'd like it. My MM just says that he loves me and it would really hurt if I decided to end it but he would understand because he doesn't want to stop me from having a chance elsewhere with somebody else. It generally me that has to assure him that this is ok for me and works with my circumstances at present.
He has said it's his choice to live a miserable life because of what he believes is his responsibilities.
Maybe I have been completely manipulated or maybe completely niave but I'd like to think it was never 100% on his terms.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (31 December 2008): Hi all,
Thanks for the replies. We thought we are soulmates also. His wife treats him like a money making machine too. She does not work. It seems part of his concern is that she won't be able to support herself as she cannot find any job. He says that she has tried. But I've my doubts. But guess that does not matter much to him.
I love him, but he is hurting me so much. Not in those exact words, but he has said that if we can't have this relationship on his terms (which means having to dance and tiptoe around his wife), that we are not meant to be together.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (30 December 2008): I am in the heartbreaking situation of having an affair with a married man who will not leave - mainly because he is afraid of losing his two adult children who have long flown the nest. Our affair has been going on a long time. He has been married a lifetime and has never had an affair before. His wife has done nothing wrong. She is an innocent party. I am sure she knows, but has never confronted him because as with many wives in similar situations, she is possibly afraid of being on her own. I feel sorry for this wonderful, adorable man, in that he feels he has to stay in a loveless and passionless marriage because he is afraid of losing the love of two sons who don't even live with him. The bottom line - hard though it may be - is, that he will never leave no matter how much he loves me - and I know he loves me to death. We are soulmates. Neither of us can find the strength to walk away. It is all terribly, terribly sad. But he will never leave her. So he lives a lie. As with all affairs, we don't share birthdays or holidays or Christmas etc. That is incredibly hard and has become harder as time has gone by. We used to work together and he has now left because he knows that although working together strengthened the love we share, it also made him complacent because he could see me during the week.
We have to remember though, that we also have a choice. We can either carry on with the relationship on his terms -or find the strength to end it and give ourselves the chance to meet someone else - who may never compare - but at least will be free to share our lives. At the moment, my choice is that I love this man. He is the most wonderful thing that has ever happened to me and I can't think about being without him in my life.
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A
female
reader, Silhouette +, writes (29 December 2008):
It's weird I could have written the exact same question!
Am in a very very similar situation, he's a wreck because of his marriage and she has even moved herself and the kids abroad to be away from him.
Unfortunately he won't properly leave her,because he's afriad of hurting and losing the kids. She apparently detests him but won't leave him either because a)she has no reason to be rid of him, he's not under her feet and b) he has a good job and she likes her lifestyle. (there is a suggestion of a c) - in that she is probably seeing other men in his absence but is not proven).
I have no idea where this is going to end but I truly feel like I've met my 'soulmate' and can't seem to develop enough willpower to get out.
I know this doesn't help you but if you ever want to discuss theories or situations please get in touch.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 December 2008): While I understand your pain and hurt. It was doomed from the beggining to get involved with a married man. His wife and his daughter are his #1 priority. They are his family. I also feel that you cannot possibly have a healthy relationship even if or when he leaves his wife MOST men don't leave. He cheated on his wife with you. Do you really believe that he is not going to feed these lies to some other women when he gets tired of you? I think that as hard as it will be I know its hard the best thing would be to cut it off now. I'm sure you deserve more and want more.
Sorry if this comes across as mean. My mom is in a situation just like this and she has been for 5 years of her life. She is still waiting.
That's sad.
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