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*gp56
writes:HelloI have been married for 9 years, five of those years have been spent begging, crying, bargaining, conjoling my husbanc into making love to me. He does not allow me to initiate sex, he tells me he is not a peforming animal. the only way he seems to be able to express passion of any sort is if he is drinking...but it never ever leads to sex, its just sort of a tease.Any one have any ideas? Reply to this Question
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reader, eddie85 +, writes (26 December 2010):
 Sounds like you are doing the best you can given the situation. Be honest and hopefully he'll realize you are serious and come around.Best wishes.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (26 December 2010): It sounds like your husband has some personal issues (I'm thinking, depression?) that are killing his sense of enjoyment in life including sex.He says he's not satisfied with himself. He wants to go to the gym but won't go unless you are there because you are his motivation. I'm sorry, but he sounds like he is depressed.And he pays lip service to going to therapy but finds excuses. I think he needs to figure himself out and become happier with himself or his life, before he can become interested in anything else
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reader, bgp56 +, writes (22 December 2010):
bgp56 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionTo Eddoe85
I have a closet full of "funderwear" I have tried everything to entice, to the ponit of embarrassment. I used to slip in the shower with him, or try to and he just always seemed put out.
It is fairly obvious he is not attracted to me anymore. I am just afraid of what I have always been afraid of, he is younger, I am older, in my 50's. I am constantly asked to provide proof of my age as people dont beleive me, I know that sounds vain, but its true. we age really well in my family.
You are very perceptive, he is lazy, I mis took that for being laid back, and he is taking me for granted because I am the queen of patience and understanding...but the crown is coming off or rathger starting to slip off, no matter how I try to hold it up there...:) I have as of lately been considering looking for a FWB, but considering and doing it are two different things. Before I actually seek out and find a FWB I will inform him of my decision, I wonder what if any response he will have? That might be very painfull...
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reader, eddie85 +, writes (22 December 2010):
Interesting. Have you tried seducing him-- wearing something that turns him on? You may have to work at it a little to get him motivated. Is it possible he doesn't find you attractive anymore?
In fact, from your follow-up, he just sounds a bit lazy and perhaps takes you for granted. (I am glad he doesn't have a drinking problem though)
There isn't a whole lot you can do to change that. I'd continue to go to therapy and see what they say. Other options aren't too pretty.... more or less you have:
1) Seek something outside the marriage
2) Live with an unsatisfying sex life
3) Move on.
But keep working at it. I am just surprised that a guy that young isn't more motivated by sex. Perhaps he is overdue for a physical. Also, weight gain can reduce libido.
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reader, bgp56 +, writes (22 December 2010):
bgp56 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you everyone, in answer to some of your questions. I am 54 my husband is 42, so he is not within my same age group.
He does not drink often, only when grilling usually one or two beers, and we might grill once a week, he will then come in and hug me give me a softer kiss and then walk away, kind of like a tease. It hurts he knows what he is doing, he knows I love kissing.
We have had several convesations bout the lack of romance intimacy etc. I even inquired about there being some one else, or was there something he needed to tell me about his sexual orientation that he wasnt sure about. He denied there being extramarital relationship and he swears he is not gay (shrug)
He simply states he is not satified with himself, he is a big boy, but well built a bit of a stomach but nothing that turns me off, I suppoes it turns him off. He wants to go to the gym but will not go without me he says I am his motivation. I am not a gymn rat, i enjoy waling aoutside,he says walking is not excersie. Thats about all I can add. I have tried to get us into therapy, he says he will go but when I set up appointments it never good time. lately he seems to think its his job to tell me when to go to bed, how to do my hair, etc....this is new.
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reader, chigirl  +, writes (22 December 2010):
 Just to make it clear I am not supporting cheating, but if there is a mutual understanding then it's no one else's business how you arrange things in your marriage.
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reader, anonymous, writes (21 December 2010): I'm 28 and all I can say is, if you really love this guy and can't think of breaking up just for sex and have tried all the talking, then you can try one of followings (whatever makes you feel least guilty):
1. New affair just for sexual needs, nothing personal, not even sharing real names.
2. Masturbation
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reader, eddie85 +, writes (21 December 2010):
Wow, this is one of the first times that I've heard a woman complaining about a man not wanting to make love. Interesting too see the answers you get versus the ones you'd get if the sexes were reversed.Either way, from the way you write your question, it vaguely sounds like you husband may have a drinking problem. Your age is listed at 51-59, so I am guessing your husband's age is also likewise. At this point in one's life, generally one's libido is less. Mixing alcohol into the mix only deadens it more and it sort of sounds like he may have issues with it (although you don't say how much he does drink).There aren't a whole lot of answers to your question. I think you have to weigh each one and figure out what you want out of this marriage. Perhaps the problems in the bedroom outweigh the benefits of marriage and it's time to move on, or perhaps it's something you can just deal with.I think the possible solutions for you are:1) Find a lover on the side and continue to be with your husband2) Go to therapy, talk about it and try to work it out. Failing that, you'll have to decide whether you are better off with him or without him and how much regular sex is worth it for your general happiness.Good luck!
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reader, anonymous, writes (21 December 2010): if you can't initiate sex then neither can he
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reader, chigirl +, writes (21 December 2010):
"He does not allow me to initiate sex"
This man is not your superior. He can not tell you what you are "allowed" to or not. Do not simply accept this, it is controlling behaviour and it sounds like he uses sex as a means to control you and make you feel inferior to him. This is not a good sign at all. I am not sure if there is anything you can do with this as I fear it is a character flaw with him, and he will always be this way.
I do suggest that you try and find alternative ways of sexual satisfaction if you want to stay married, have you discussed that with him? You could for example get toys, watch porn, talk to your husband about allowing you to have sex with others/watch others, or just for you to do erotic things on your own that does not include him or anyone else.
If he can't give you what you need, and you can't go elsewhere (as in divorcing) then you simply need to supply yourself with what you need.
I do feel for you, it sounds like a really horrible situation to be in. But I don't think this is something you can fix, he will need to realize this himself and work on it himself, but it sounds like he is in denial and doesn't even acknowledge your rights to have feelings in this case.
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reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (21 December 2010):
 I agree with dirtball. Something else came to mind. Any chance he isn't actually heterosexual? If it's been 5 years and he's avoided sex for that long, well, maybe he's in the closet. Anything else going on with you two? You're healthy and fit, and he's healthy enough for sex? Maybe he has an erectile problem?
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reader, dirtball +, writes (21 December 2010):
 Therapy, for the both of you. He's not listening to your needs. That's not healthy for any relationship. This will also drive you apart if it's not addressed.
He needs to know you're serious about this. Physical intimacy is very important to a relationship. Make an appointment for the two of you, or talk about it first and then make the appointment.
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