A
female
age
51-59,
*ednesdayschild72
writes:I am enganged to the love of my life. We've only been together for 4 months but everything is perfect, except for one thing and we've just had an upset convo about it. He suffers from depression and low self esteem and although we are close sexually and can discuss everything, we haven't actually had intercourse since the first week we met. He gets erections all the time, and we have oral sex, but he can't do IT, he says he feels wrong in his own body. His ex had an abortion years ago and that is why they split up, cos she didnt discuss this with him, just went ahead with it. They didnt have sex for a year afterwards. he says that is still effecting him. We don't live together yet, but we have just spent a month together and we didnt have intercourse. He didnt really want oral sex either but was willing to pleasure me whenever I wanted. It's lovely but it's not enough...at least it won't be if this goes on for years and years! he told me on the phone tonight that when he got back to his place two days ago he really started wanting sex again and his mind is clear. I felt awful though as I thought, hang on, we were together for a month and now we're apart you want it???? I didnt get angry but told him it sounded weird to me. He's now very very upset because he feels I should have been happy about it!I was just being honest about how I felt and to be honest he has said this twice before and sex didnt happen.now after 4 months of being patient I had to voice concern. Was this wrong of me? Now he feels pressure and is worried again!
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female
reader, wednesdayschild72 +, writes (17 December 2010):
wednesdayschild72 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for your kind responses, all very much appreciated. Eddie85: The issue here isn't whether we are right for each other after 4 months.We both know that we are, in every way we communicate well and we are best friends and very passionate about each other(the few times we have actually had sex it was wonderful).Anonymous: I don't really understand what you mean. How can you say sex rules our lives from what I have said here? I could write a novel about all the wonderful ways we love each other without SEX. We are engaged, that means we have discussed our future and yes, we want children and to grow old together. This is mainly why I am concerned about the intercourse issue.Jannipeg: Thanks, the reason I posted this was because I needed an outside view as to whether I had responded selfishly or not. I don't think I did! My needs are just as important as his after all and I have been very very supportive and will continue to be. He satisfies me in other ways but being so in love with him and close, I miss that special connection that intercourse gives. I didn't get engaged to get sex! Even if we never have sex I will stay with him.idoneitagain: Thanks, you have really thought about your answer and given a sensitive response with steps. We have talked at length about this issue and yes he has a few issues that he is working through. He is very communicative and does tell me everything which has helped, but I do not know how to help him other than to not put pressure on him. Thing is he really wants to have sex with me and gets really turned out but can't do anything, he just focuses on me. UPDATE: Briefly talked again and he wasn't upset WITH me, he just wanted me to be happy that he feels more positive about trying again. He understands where I am coming from and feels bad about it and is trying to overcome these fears he has. I guess I have to carry on being patient! Thanks so much all of you! I will update you (don't worry, no graphic details! :)))
A
female
reader, marcia99116  +, writes (17 December 2010):
 I have recently gotten out of a 10 year relationship... what I learned is - go slow. Don't rush into a relationship. Learning that and not doing it are two different things.The best advice I have heard is it takes 2 years for a person to let all the happy feelings wear off and get down to if there is a solid enough relationship to keep things going. And with the way things are these days... what's two years?Slow down... let him have time to get over whatever issue he is having. Maybe you both need to stop talking about it. Obviously he knows it is bothering you and it is probably bothering him too. Putting additional pressure on the situation is only going to make it that much harder for him.Let it happen spontaneously. How many men don't want it eventually. When he is ready to talk about it... make a plan on what you will do if a baby happens and talk about things you will both do to make family planning a priority.
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reader, eddie85 +, writes (17 December 2010):
 Sounds like you guys have some things to work on, especially communication issues when it comes to sex. It may have taken him a little time to get used to having intercourse, especially since the last time he had it, it resulted in an unintended pregnancy. It sounds like he has mustered up the courage to take it to the next level.
I am a little concerned with the fact you are engaged to this man after only 4 months of dating. You stated in your post that he has depression issues as well as a history.
Perhaps you have jumped the gun a bit and you need to take things a little slower and get to know each other a little bit more completely. I am not sure living together is the answer either -- from the sounds of it, you need to get know each other a bit better and make sure he is really the right one for you and that you are the right one for him.
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reader, anonymous, writes (17 December 2010): It seems to me that sex really rules all of your guy's lives... maybe take a step back and just look really look at what you two have for each other is it just sex? or do you picture yourself growing old with him and having grandchildren?
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female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (17 December 2010):
 You did nothing wrong. You mean you should have pretended to be happy about it when you are not?
You: sexually frustrated. Him: Depression, anxiety, ex issues.
He's the one who needs more understanding. He needs you more than you need him. He's nowhere ready for a marriage. Your relationship went very quick but an engagement right now doesn't automatically give you sex. Let's see how it goes. If he backs out again tell thim to talk to a sex therapist.
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reader, idoneitagain  +, writes (17 December 2010):
There are a couple of things. First, your partner has admitted to still being affected by something, or a few thigns probably, that are affecting his sex life, and therefore yours. He is going to need to deal with it in his own life, and you are both together going to need to deal with it within your relationship. Second, when you had a phone conversation where he said he felt like sex now, he didn't get the response from you he was expecting, and he didn't understand why. Now you are concerned about how he feels and vice versa.
To adress the first problem, I would suggest you need to set aside some time to have a conversation about you guys not having sex, and have a conversation with the sole intention of hearing your thoughts and feelings around this topic only. This is different from having a conversation where talk of sex plays a part, and then the conversation moves on to something else. You have to stay with that conversation and not have any other conversation for that time. This is something you may have already done, but you don't mention in your post if you have had a conversation specifically for this purpose.
After talking about it, you need to have a related conversation on the steps that both him and you need to take, or would like to try, in order for you to both be comfortable and ready to have sex. In other words, what does he need to do in order to be ok with it. He might not know the answer to this question, in which case the next question will be "how can he go about finding out what he needs, and what is stopping him from knowing what he needs to be ok about it"
To address the second issue of the conversation, you probably need to communicate that you understand where he is comming from, as well as try to get him to understand where you are coming from. It doesn't sound like either of those things have been done. If he is upset with you he probably doesn't understand where you are coming from, and he might also not feel that you are acknowledging where he is coming from, and this might feed in to his insecurity.
Eventually, the process of sex and expressing your love for eachother physically should be spontaneous and easy and not so much hard work, but a little bit of hard work in the form of conversations might be required until you get going. Eventually you can aim to reach a point where it just feels natural, and that is something that you can aspire to work towards together, as a team.
Good luck.
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