A
female
age
36-40,
*onstantlyHurt
writes:First off, thanks in advance to all of those who are reading this and willing to help out...I really do appreciate it....(I apologize for the length of this issue, but the details will help you understand the problem)I've been dating my bf for an year now and I've always tried to adapt to his socialite lifestyle. The only things I ask him is not to cheat on me and to not lie to me. I knew he was a clubber who was found to grind all the time and had this really special liking to porn. Even though I wasn't sure if I can swallow this, I really liked his personality and I tried my best to make things work. A few months ago, I discoved that he's been signing up on sites where u meet people for solely sexual needs and when I confronted him, he denied it. I later found out that he'd been replying to sex ads and I decided to catch him red-handed. I messaged him as one of the people he replied to and chatted with him. I finally made him turn on his webcam and called him up while I saw him on the webcam and dumped him. After a few weeks, he continously attempted to make things work but I was too digusted by his actions. Unfortunately, I was really crazy about him from the start of our relationship and I wasn't taking the break-up all that well either. So I finally decided to forgive him and give him another chance. I told him how he literally killed me when he was trying to have cyber sex and making plans to meet up with a random person (which was, in reality, me)...and that I never want to be hurt like this again. He claims that he's never cheated on me but has had "cyber sex" and "phone sex"....I made it clear that all of dat is considered cheating from my point of view and he had promised to never do dat again.....The problem is that sometimes I get really afraid that I'm gonna get hurt again....He's really making an attempt to patch things up, but is this just a phase? Is it true that "once a cheater, always a cheater"? Any help would be appreciated. I'm only 22 years old and I haven't been in many relationships, let alone a serious one like this. Should I look out for any signs? Any word of advice from the wise would be greatly appreciated. Thank you :)
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reader, anonymous, writes (18 September 2009): Not wearing your heart on your sleeves? Mmmm it sounds like a good idea ^^ Good Luck with the relationship.
A
female
reader, ConstantlyHurt +, writes (18 September 2009):
ConstantlyHurt is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank u to all who took their time to answer..... U guys have no idea how much I appreciate the input......
I'm not with him just for the sex... If it was really abt getting some, I would be able to get it from anywhere I want...I mean if he can play around like this, I can get it even easier than him....but I don't wanna be like dat...there is more to love than mere sex....I really love this guy cuz I know his sensitive side...he's a really caring person, but can't seem to control his hormones. He's turning 21 next month and I hope that he'll change with age....hopefully he'll become more mature. I think I'm willing to give him another chance (a chance that he doesn't really deserve, but who am I to realy say who deserves what?). I hope he truly realized his mistakes as he had claimed he had. I've actually grown with this whole experience...I'm not to attached and head-over-heels in love with him. I still love him with all my heart but I'm trying not to wear my heart on my sleeves. You guys think datz a smart move, right? Thank u :)
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reader, anonymous, writes (17 September 2009): Maybe he's on the step to the right path. Either way it will take time for you to trust him again so its not as simple as asking "trust him or not?".Similarly if he really loves you he will stop. I don't know if he will stop or not but it would be best to be on your guard and look out for some signs, but don't blow up in his face when they do happen. But you did make the correct approach before so I don't have much worries there. I try not to believe in phrases too much....they are just phrases and can be bent to fit any situation. It's not like they hold secret truth that we don't already know. I am sorry you got hurt like that. While he may not have considered it as cheating, you should let him know that the pain you felt was real. Either way good luck to you. I hope things work out and come to love each other more than before .
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reader, anonymous, writes (17 September 2009): Hey hun, so I pretty much know for a fact he will not change. He is just saying he will change and may act like he has changed but about two weeks after you've takin him back he will be right back to the way he used to be, because he already got you. Some people CAN change, but it doesn't happen overnight. If he really likes you Id tell him how his actions made you feel and tell him what has to be done. Don't take him back for a few months to see if he really is making progress and no friends with benefits stuff cuz thats basically dating. Porn is known to be like a drug it's hard for a porn addict to just stop. It will drain you and it will bring your confidence down so be aware of that. Good luck hunnie :).
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female
reader, josie1  +, writes (16 September 2009):
Hi there...bit of a tricky one but i think i understand what your going through. A few months ago i found out that my boyfriend of 3 years was ringing sex lines. To be honest he wasn't very clever , you see his mobile phone contract is in my name and comes out of my bank account so when a bill for £150 come out of my account i obviously questioned it and rang the phone company who gave me all the details of the calls that he had made. I rang the numbers and to my disgust found out they were all sex lines. What made it worse is that some nights he had done this whilst Id been in bed upstairs. Anyway caught redhanded he had no option but to admit what he had done. we split up for a couple of weeks and i went to stay with my parents but when i went back to collect my stuff we got talking. I asked him why he did it and told him how i felt like he cheated on me and I asked him if i was enough for him. He couldnt really explain why he did it, he just said that it was usually when he had a drink and maybe he was a bit bored and it was something to do. He said he wasnt getting any sexual pleasure out of it and that it was just like him watching porn. I found it really difficult to understand even so i gave him the benfit of the doubt and gave him another chance. I made sure that all types of premium rate calls were barred on his phone - not becuase i dont trust him but just incase he ever felt the urge as we dont have that kind of money!anyway what im trying to say is that if this is the first time it has happened and you love him then the least you can do is hear him out. its all about trust and respect and if you feel that its still there then it may be worth giving things another go. If you feel that your going to be constantly checking up on him then maybe its best to call it a day. Im glad i gave my boyfriend another chance as were really happy but he knows if it happens again it will be over. Only you know what to do so do the right thing by you.I know ive gone on a bit but i just wanted you to know your not alone and these things are actually quite common. Hope this helps x
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reader, anonymous, writes (16 September 2009): sadly this man will not change. he is after the quick thrill and one woman will not be enough. he knows he was cheating and he knew exaclty what he was up to- he has been in this game for long enough to realise this.the question to you is - how much of his shit are you willing to put up with. seems that you too are too involved in only the sexual aspect, you too cannot get enough of the sex from him. he is not going to change and you have to decide whether being a mere sex object is what you want after all.
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