A
female
age
30-35,
*ucyyy21
writes:Soo my boyfriend is on Holliday with his friends. We have a really good relationship and hasnt done anything in the past to make me doubt him at all, its my own insecurities. I have ben abused with past boyfriends and cheated on a lot. He does is best to reasure me but i do constantly worry and have this horrible feeling (i dont let on to him i feel this bad)!! He nos a little bit and does try reasure me. So on hoilday hes been good hes rang me every night and text when he could. But the last night he didnt ring me when he got back to the hotel after clubbing, which he said he would! His phne was off from8pm till 3 oclock this after noon! Which isn't like him cos he told me he would ring and i woke and i js had this horrible feeling!! Apparently he said it was wifi and it stopped wrking at the hotel! But then again his phone was off. Hes really good looking boy and was quite the player befor he nos how to get the ladies if he wanted to! I dont no am i js being crazy or does it sound suspicious?? I was also really worried that hed bin hurt to. I feel like am js making myself crazy?!!!!! I love him so much and truly frightens the life out me that he would hurt me and i just point blank dont want him to! Helppp
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female
reader, YouWish  +, writes (7 June 2014):
 You think I'm trying to assign FAULT to you?? Quite the contrary. Would you accuse a doctor or an auto mechanic of blaming you for an illness or faulty brakes? No, you wouldn't.
I see what I see. If you have a lot of respect for him, then your fear wouldn't be an issue. I didn't say that YOU were going to cheat on him. I said that you must realize that if you have had a string of guys who abused or cheated on you, and then you chose a former player for a boyfriend, which now you're sitting here terrified that he will cheat on you while out on holiday because of his phone being off, then you have a pattern of self-destructive tendencies in choosing partners. That's not to fault or blame you. That is to help you identify the faulty pattern and be aware of it.
The fact that you just got super-defensive with me followed up by how great this new guy is shows me that you are too scared and insecure about your current relationship to look at things from a critical standpoint, especially your own patterns of behavior, what you're attracted to, and definitely the fact that since your defense words to me were how great and brilliant he is, how he's settled and reformed, then you, by your own words, say that it's you reacting to your past. That, my dear, is a PATTERN. Do you want to be free of distrust? Do you want to be confident that he's not going to run off and cheat on you?
Sorry, I could pat you on the back and say it's okay, but that would do you no good except to scratch your ego. You're reverting to pattern, and if this guy is brilliant like you say, you could sabotage the relationship. I'm trying to open your eyes to see and intercept the pattern. I am not judging you or him.
A
female
reader, Lucyyy21 +, writes (6 June 2014):
Lucyyy21 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionYeah i think you all all right apart from the YOUWISH person. I think it just terrifys me because i just dont want to be hurt specially by him, i have got a lot of respect for him. So in fact i am very lucky girl! YOUWISH- He was player yes in his younger days before he settled down so yes he USED to be one! I dont think i am the common fault thank you! I had brilliant upbringing could not fault it. I think it happened cos of a bad reason and i dont think the reason was me! I have found a brilliant a guy i am not gonna go cheat on him at all because i love him, the thought has never entered my mind! So your wrong but thank you!
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (6 June 2014):
Listen...
Whenever I read a post on here from someone talking about how their past partners (plural) are abusive or cheaters or both, that *is* something to examine. You had abusive cheaters in the past, and you chose a player this time. When there is a pattern, you are the common denominator. Ever wonder why some women tend to be abuse or infidelity magnets? Because that's who they draw and are attracted to, either by some messed up upbringing, or their victim statuses or any number of things.
Incidentally, that's the same reason why a girl, if she breaks programming and finds a nice and kindhearted guy, tends to leave him or cheat on him for abusive exes.
I say this because you are still young enough to break the pattern, but the pattern must break in YOU.
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A
male
reader, olderthandirt  +, writes (6 June 2014):
 My gut instinct is to view your paranoia as a bit clingy. But since you've been hurt before I kind of understand. However, you cannot be in his backpocet all the time or else he really will hurt you. In other words, if you don't give him his "space" and back off a little your worst fears will be realized. You can drive him away by trying to be in comand and control. He'll see this as a threat and either purposely or even subconciously cheat up a storm. A cornered animal will fight to the death and not feel any remorse. My advice is simple...set free what you love and it will love you back. Good luck
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A
male
reader, CMMP +, writes (6 June 2014):
This isn't evidence of cheating and he is a big boy that can take care of himself so it's not evidence that he's hurt either. While it can make people anxious to not hear from people when they say they'll call, it happens for perfectly legitimate reasons.
It also can be because they're cheating. But the truth is that he could have cheated on you any of the nights, even if he called you. Freaking out doesn't prevent a thing. If he's going to cheat he's going to cheat. If that happens, as you know it'll hurt, but it doesn't mean there's something wrong with you, it means he's a jerk.
If that happens you can be thankful that you found out about it and look for another guy. Not all guys cheat.
I think you should try counseling, it may work wonders for you and your relationships.
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A
female
reader, Lucyyy21 +, writes (6 June 2014):
Lucyyy21 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI dont think its really like criminal checking on his parole officer because i havent made him do anything! He did that off his own back because he wanted to speak to me. And at 15 years old to be having physical and cheating abuse boyfriend i dont think i chose that and for the other one! Its not trait me in thank you, i think that cheating abusive in just in some woman and men! I agree with what everyone has said and i was young i should of just trusted him cos he has proved me right, i just need to get over my insecurities. I have apologised to him and said i was just stupid! So thanks guys
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (6 June 2014):
I think you need to lighten up on him. Making him check in on his holiday like a criminal reporting to his parole officer is unreasonable, especially if his lack of calling you once is what makes you so crazy. You can not make him pay for the way past guys have treated you. In the end, you chose the cheaters because of something in a cheater you're attracted to.
This guy is on holiday. This is not the time to keep him on a short leash, but the time to trust him. So he was a player in the past? You chose him! So your past boyfriends cheated? They're not him.
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A
female
reader, llifton +, writes (6 June 2014):
 You've got to try to calm down just a bit and relax. You can't take past insecurities out on current relationships. It's not fair. You say he's never done anything to make you not trust him. So give him the benefit of the doubt he deserves until he gives you a reason not to.
He's on holiday. So just try to relax and take it easy. He's out having a good time. Let him have that. I know it's worrisome when he doesn't call, but it can be any number of things, not him intentionally ignoring you and choosing not to call you, or him off cheating. He's probably just busy having a good time.
Try not to overreact to this, as it's really not that big of a deal.
Take care.
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