A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I think I know what a lot of the answers will be from this, however I'd love to get some different opinions.I have been cheated on in my one other past relationship and that had seriously caused me some trust issues. I have been with my man now for a year - we live together and I love him with all my heart. I cannot imagine a life without him.Over Christmas we both had 3 weeks off - he got me the most gorgeous Tiffany necklace for my bday, we spent so much time together and with our families and were truly happy. I had no doubt that he loved me.We have recently gone back to work and he hates his job. Fully detests it. This has caused some tension between us and a bit of bickering. Last night was particularly bad, he was so moody. I went to have a shower to get a bit of space and when I came out he decided he wanted one too. He seemed strange (hard to explain) and I got a really bad gut feeling for some reason. He got into the shower, and shamefully I checked his phone. There were no odd texts, no weird emails or calls, however in his google search history I found he'd searched 10 mins previously "how to cheat on your girlfriend".I could not believe my eyes and started to freak out. I wanted to confront him but didn't want him to know I'd been looking so I just sort of came out with "do you want to cheat on me, am I not enough for you". Naturally he denied it, but the silly thing is that he must know that I looked at his phone and know what's in his history, but neither of us can admit it because I don't want to tell him i looked and he doesn't want to admit what he searched. I just told him I had a 'feeling'We got into bed and I cried and cried while he assured me that I am the only one he wants and loves, that he would never cheat and I am the only thing that makes him happy right now. He got teary and kept asking "what's made you feel like this, where has this 'feeling' come from". Still, neither of us would admit it what I'd seen.What I'd like to know is do you think this is just a once off search fueled from the unhappiness in other parts of his life? It's obvious we both need to work on trust, and I want this to work out more than anything. I just can't believe how happy we were a few weeks ago. I'm his first girlfriend and I realise that he has never been in a monogamous relationship before me. Could it have just been something he searched but never intended on acting on? There has been no indication that he searched anything like that before (to be honest, last time I saw his history was on my laptop after he'd used it and he'd been looking up Tiffany and Co necklaces and ideas for love messages for my birthday card, so this cheating thing seems way of left field) Any suggestions as to where I go from here?PS yes, I know the phone checking is bad , I plan on working through my trust issues by any means possible
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reader, anonymous, writes (5 February 2014): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you for all your replies, in one way or another, you've all helped.I suppose one of the major things I struggle with is not having control of a situation. Because of my last relationship where I found out about my ex's cheating after it had been going on for some time, I never want to feel the non-control of my emotions that I felt back then.I fessed up and explained what I did, and of course he knew. He said that it was a fleeting moment of thought out of anger, and that he would never dream of doing that to me.I promised I would no longer smother and invade my current partner's privacy.We're going to give each other the benefit of the doubt. He's so unhappy in his job and I realise now that I need to be that person that he looks forward to coming home to be that happy outlet in his life.I can't help but keep thinking about it and seeing that 'how to cheat on your girlfriend' question popping into my head. It hurts, and I'll never know for sure what was going through his head when he searched it. Emotions make people act out (I am a prime example of that) so I think I'll just wipe the slate clean and look forward from here.Thanks again.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 February 2014): This happened to me, but it was the other way around. I googled 'how to hide an affair' as I was working on an assignment where we had to write a story about a relationship breaking up... My (now ex!) boyfriend saw it in my browser history and was livid, he was really upset, it took me ages to calm him down, even when I was shoving the paper in his face. I will always remember how angry and unreasonable he was. Him checking up on my browser history spoke volumes about our relationship, it was like he was TRYING to catch me out so he had a reason for why our relationship wasn't working. Sometimes, there is a legitimate reason and you need to just be honest and tell him what you did and ask him directly... So he can either reassure you or he can make an excuse and you can take it from there about what you believe. You have to tell him though, because otherwise you'll be thinking about it and be holding a grudge.I agree with you though, you do need to work on your trust issues, but well done for recognising that.I hope it works out x
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A
female
reader, llifton  +, writes (4 February 2014):
 is it not possible that he didn't intend to search for it? for example, if he unknowingly clicked a link on facebook and it connected him to that site. or somtimes, on google, you can start to type out a search and the most popular searches automatically pop up.
for example, i googled "how to..." and it popped up with anything from "how to twerk" to "how to make moonshine." point being that maybe he accidentally clicked on this. anything is possible.
on the other side of the coin, it doesn't look good, does it? obviously, you felt you had a reason to look through his phone, which indicates that you've been having a nagging suspicion something was wrong, or else why would you have looked?
to some people, this invasion of privacy may be a deal breaker in itself. if my partner looked through my phone or anything else, i'd really consider leaving, as i know i don't give any incentive to question my integrity. but at this point, what other option is there? what's done is done, and what has been seen cannot be unseen. it's why you don't look through significant others belongings. because in one single moment, we may see something that alters the state of a relationsip completely, entirely, and permanently. and it may have only been a fleeting moment of weakness on his part. or simply a mistake. but it ruins everything.
look, deep down, he already must know you looked. why else would you have made those comments and acted in that way? tell him the truth, as it seems inevitable. and only a full disclosure of the truth on both behalves can mend the gap between the two of you at this moment. what other way is there to move forward? you run the risk of him leaving you, but at the same time, he runs the risk of you leaving him, as well.
i say talk about it.
good luck.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 February 2014): I would have done the same in your shoes to be honest. Your gut feeling told you something was up and it was right. I wouldn't feel bad for checking.
But what now?
I suggest a heart to heart.
Tell him you both know why you asked. He acted weird so you had to check et voila. Your fears were confirmed. Ask him how he feels in general, about you, about his future etc. Hopefully you'll both identify whether it's boredom, stress, or restlessness. And then you can work on it. Make sure It's both of you vs the problem. Not you vs him. By all means apologize for having had to look. But be assertive. Do not let this turn into an issue about you snooping. That's a decoy. The real issue is why he was searching it.
Pretending you're both oblivious will just set a precedent where you are not open and honest. It will seep into the rest of your relationship and ruin it.
For what its worth, in my house, we have an open phone policy. Neither of us has anything to hide so it works just fine. Don't feel bad for doing what you had to. Would you rather be the docile and pathetic partner who sits there respecting his privacy while he cheats? No thank you!
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (4 February 2014):
 It says a lot about someone who "shamelessly" invades another's privacy in a relationship. In working out your trust issues, you destroyed the trust in your relationship. You don't get to look through his stuff while he's in the shower, and the fact that you wanted to hide it from him and can't outright tell him shows that you really blew it and would wreck trust if he were to know.
There's something to be said about search histories...they're often part of someone's daydreams. If you had a fight with him, for him to look it up is about him venting his feelings about the fight. You're smothering him if his hating his job leads to fights in the homefront. Seriously, if his job gives him stress, and now his relationship gives him stress, what's he to do??
He is faithful to you, and if he wasn't, do you really honestly thing that he needs to Google how to cheat with the millions of ways that it's possible?? He was blowing off steam privately with his searches, as we all do.
Seriously, you're choking the life out of your relationship. If anything, his search lookup should be a distress call for you to ease up on him. If his life is sucking now and his job is stressful, you need to be a haven for him, a place where when he's working, he can daydream about you and smile! Not the fact that he's stressed at work, only to turn to you and find drama, trust issues, and now privacy violation.
You need to get a grip on this trust thing NOW, tell him you're tempted to go through his phone, and ask him to put a lock on it. Be careful about digging up a secret, because it may just save your life and certainly your relationship.
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A
female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (4 February 2014):
 January is the most depressing month of the year. The climax is over. People are broke and back to work again. Still, there is no reason for a breakdown.
I don't think this is about you. For a person who can't commit to one person even a perfect woman is not enough for him. It may be hard for you to understand how something so good can be so wrong right after. For some men they don't know how to operate after they got what they wanted, such as the love of a woman. They don't know they are supposed to keep pursuing the woman. They thought that once the goal is accomplished there is nothing left to do, but to search for another. Maybe his attention span is only good for one year. After Christmas he is left with no juice or motivation.
He is unhappy with life for some reason. I don't care if that job is a security guard or a telemarketer. No one would hate it that much that it causes big problems in a relationship. If anything one can tolerate it for a while at the same time searching for better jobs. This is his issue. He's letting you see his weakness. You know him well. He is no longer your knight in shining armor. I believe his cheating is about finding a woman who admires him from afar but doesn't know about his issues. A woman who could give him the ego stroke that you can't, once you see his flaws and all. She can also offer him some escape from the mundane life.
As to what to do now. First you have to decide if you want to be with a man who feels it's okay to cheat, can't deal with reality, an inconsistent person, and one who triggers anxiety in you.
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