A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I've just moved away from home to study at university. I love it and the freedom it gives me. Over the summer I began dating this wonderful guy who loves me to pieces and I love him back. It sounds awful but I'm not sure if a relationship is what I want. Certainly whenever we're together (he's at uni, 3 hours away. But we're from the same area at home) everything is perfect and it's such a brilliant feeling and we have lots of fun. But the majority of time when we're apart I'm wondering if I really ought to be in a relationship. I've kissed another guy twice while I've been at uni (he was an old flame, someone I'd love to be able to spend more time with) I feel horrible for cheating. So horrible in fact that I've been thinking of breaking up with my boyfriend because despite loving him very much, he deserves so much more and I don't want to hurt him. Breaking up with him would break his heart and I've been so reluctant to say/do anything because whenever we're back together he's the only boy I want and we're both so happy. What do I do? It sounds awful but its a decision between feeling totally secure and loved and cherished (have an incredible relationship with his family and before I started doubting everything I really could see us together in the long run, and that's what he wants and sometimes I think that's what I want to) to feeling alone again but being true to myself, and what I'd always hoped uni would be like. Desperately don't know what to do. I love him but almost hate how much impact I do have on his life, he's almost vulnerable with me around because we love each other so much and this decision gives me the 'power' to break him and make him so unhappy. Suppose that's part of being in a loving, trusting relationship but I am really worthy of that? Please help, thank you in advance.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (17 November 2011): "but we met up just as friends and then ended up kissing. We're really close but he'd never want me to be his girlfriend and he's too volatile for me to want anything with him."
So, what is going on with you that you got involved with someone you describe as "volatile".
"I love my boyfriend I really do, that's why this all hurts so much."
Then seek counseling help.
"he's become my best friend"
But why are you treating your best friend this way? Read up on affairs, you are having an affair. Why?
"Do I really throw a boy who is more than I'll ever deserve, my dream man and who I can make happy away on a silly crush with someone who will never love me and I'm always second guessing myself with?"
Sure, people do it all the time. But, they usually have a lot of problems that lead to that and the continue to have those problems later.
"Do you tell someone you love that you cheated on them, even if it was only two silly kisses, one before we were official and the second an absolute mistake."
Yes, because it is not silly. Something is going on with you, not with your bf, not with the other guy, but with you, and it isn't silly.
"always thought I needed to find myself and learn to love myself before I could be in a relationship."
Why don't you love yourself? Why did you do this to yourself. Read up on affairs, you really have hallmarks of the issues being rather deep from what you say.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 November 2011): ORIGINAL POSTER (Sorry, don't know how to comment as me...) It wasn't that I've invested time in a new relationship whilst I've been with my boyfriend. This other guy was a guy I'd liked for a really long time and knew through talking on Skype all the time, we were pretty close for a while but it cooled off and I never thought we'd actually meet up. Then my boyfriend came along and I didn't think of this other guy that much at all, but we met up just as friends and then ended up kissing. We're really close but he'd never want me to be his girlfriend and he's too volatile for me to want anything with him. I love my boyfriend I really do, that's why this all hurts so much. It is not that I am emotionally immature, rather don't have any experience in relationships, but that is a stupid and irrelevant excuse. My boyfriend was my first boyfriend and it really has been the best couple of months of my life, I've never felt so loved and cared for, he makes me feel like me and of course this is really hard to let go of ...And I don't want to, it would be heartbreaking for us both, don't think I could live without his because asides from being my boyfriend he's become my best friend, our lives are so entwined and I love it. He'd be devestated and so hurt, can't do that to him. Do I really throw a boy who is more than I'll ever deserve, my dream man and who I can make happy away on a silly crush with someone who will never love me and I'm always second guessing myself with? Maybe I deserve it? Do you tell someone you love that you cheated on them, even if it was only two silly kisses, one before we were official and the second an absolute mistake. I'm a really independent sort of a person, and relying on someone else has taken a while to get used to and trust, it's still hard. My folks always taught us to be independent and that's the way I've begun my adult life. But that's my flaw, not my boyfriend's. I love him, I'm so lucky and it will kill me to throw that away, how do you forgive yourself or ever learn to live with yourself knowing that you hurt someone you care about more than anything else in the world, over a silly kiss and doubting yourself. I've always known that I'd find relationships hard, but I was beginning to feel less scared about being in one. He really is the most wonderful person. But maybe I'm not ready for this all, I do want to discover myself a bit more, he's given me the confidence to do that. Before I met him I felt so alone and rubbish generally. But on the other hand, and being unselfish. I make him happy, I make him so happy, we've met and fallen in love with each others families, our lives have become entwined despite the distance and how do I dash that all, he trusted me and I broke that trust but never ever would again because it was only afterwards that I realised how much I really stand to lose, how much I love him and want this to be my forever. But perhaps that isn't at all plausible, always thought I needed to find myself and learn to love myself before I could be in a relationship. Do I need that time, but that would be selfish! And my pursuit of something that perhaps isn't there, without him by my side. Maybe he really is the missing link. I don't know what to do. He really does deserve so much more than me, I wish I could him that, I want to be able to! Oh goodness.
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A
female
reader, celtic_tiger +, writes (16 November 2011):
 It is sad to say, that school romances do not last in the bigger grown up world of university. And that is how it should be.
You have moved away to university, found your independance and rightly you want to move on and discover who you are as a woman.
It is the beginning of the rest of your life and you do not need to be tied down to someone 'back home' or at another university.
Very few relationships survive university, as the world opens up, you meet new people, learn new things, and your expectations about what YOU want change so dramatically. The person you were 12 months ago, is not the same person you are now and the likelyhood that this is the man you will spend the rest of your life with is very very slim.
Be true to yourself. If you do not want to be in a relationship with him, then say so.
Be honest with yourself and him.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (16 November 2011): Apparently you simply are not mature enough for a LDR, or a LTR.
You are either ready, or not, and unless there are other mitigating factors (alcohol or drug abuse leading to the cheating) you are not ready as much as you would like to be.
It isn't "worthy" or "not worthy", it is "ready" or "not ready".
Cheating has a way of repeating itself. Cheating has reasons underneath as well. Do some reading on affairs and cheating and find out why you are heading down this road....or you will head down it in the future when you are married.
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