A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Cheating?About a year ago I found violent porn on my boyfriends computer. for months on end questioning him he told me his friend downloaded it but he was grossed out by that sorta stuff. I believed him for a while. Then after some more questioning he admitted he downloaded it but told me it was for 'moves' and he didn't 'pleasure' himself over it. I believed him! still feeling insecure i asked him more times and finally after a year he admitted he does use it for 'that' reason. i feel so decieved and hurt. i feel stupid that i believed him. help! am i being stupid for feeling like this? i don't know whether it hurts because he lied for over a year about it or if its because it makes me feel horrible and unattractive :( also i've been with him since i was a kid for years and years.. i feel like i don't know him anymore because of this.
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female
reader, Wendyg +, writes (18 April 2007):
 Dear Anon poster.... I said MOST not ALL... There is a world of difference you know... And also that said, Most women dont even know that thier man does it, let alone get one to admit it!
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (18 April 2007): Sorry nut this whole thing about...your his little princess he would never let you do these things' attitude has a name its call3d the madonna/whore syndromeand is one of the most destructive unhealthy attitudes ina man. It shows that he has become so used to objectifying women that he actually starts to seperate and catagorise them into pure good girls or wanton sex sluts (ie porn) Regardless of the type of porn he is disrespecting you...has attitudes that need help froma therapist and I really think any self respecting woman would tell a guy with porn to make a choice...if he slips up or choses porn he was never worth it in the first place. Wendy is wrong , not all men use porn....there are loads of great men out there who see it for the degrading crap it is... Good luck, hope it works out
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A
female
reader, deejuliet  +, writes (17 April 2007):
 well put, Wendy!
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A
female
reader, Wendyg +, writes (17 April 2007):
Most men look at porn. They would be lying when then say otherwise, some do it more than others and some get addicted. But I think the issue you have here is the trust issue and the type of porn.
Im guessing its rape type porn.. forceful sex, along those lines.. i know some if it is pretty way out there... and the reason he denied it is that he was possibly embarassed, or ashamed, or felt guilty.
It doesnt mean he doesnt love you,and it doesnt mean hes lied to you about other things. I really do think this is a case of he has looked at porn and when it came to crunch time of admitting it to you your so horrified by what you saw, the nature of it and the fact he lied that you think the whole relationship is a lie.
Most men will lie about porn. Its become like a dirty little secret, whilst some can be open with their partners about it, others cant, especially when it comes to this type of porn. He doesnt want you to have this low opinion of him, but at the same time he likes to whack off to it!
If he is just whacking off to porn on his own in private and hides it from you, i would suggest thats because hes embarrased, and the denying it was to protect you a little and to save face for him! I wouldnt think that this means there are a load more sordid secrets in the cupboard that hes hidden from you, as if that were the case I think you would have found a whole lot more besides internet porn than you mention, these are images and vids that you have found, and if there were more going on, im pretty sure you would know.
Its not surprising that you are upset by this, and hurt and confused and untrusting, but you need to see how you can work throw this.
Can you forgive him for this (if its the porn and nothing else) and move on from it ? If you are going to harbour this then its always going to be there and you will always find yourself checking up on him, to the point where your relationship will suffer.
You need to tell him that your not happy about it and that you both need a good long chat about this. And you would like for him to stop and be honest about it from this point forward and that he has to be open with you and let you know if he has looked,(might take a while to get him used to not looking, its habit forming) that way you know what your up against, its the secrets and lies that tar this, at least if had the urge and he told you about it, you wouldnt feel so cheated right ?
Has your sex life suffered through this ? If not thats a very good sign, alot of men whack off to stuff that they would never dream of letting there precious partners be introduced to, its almost like he gets his fix from something sordid like that, but your his princess and he could never ever see you in that light, your special.
If your sex life did wain, then talk this through with him too.. it could be he has a fetish about this sort of stuff that hes looking at... it doesnt mean oh its all bad stuff.. and hes a perv and all that... its just a way he could explore wihtout hurting or involving you.... and he could never find a way to tell you about it as I said your his princess, he doesnt want to hurt you, he loves you.
He's angry at you because of your opinion of him now... hes guilt ridden, hes feeling annoyed that your going to stop him, but also annoyed that he does this...also narked that you checked up on him,...
So if you are prepared to look forward from this, chat to him, tell him how you feel, why you feel this way and what you can both now do to safeguard your future together, but it will mean having to be totally open with each other and upfront on all counts.
I hope this has gone someway into helping you.
Take care x x
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A
female
reader, doof +, writes (17 April 2007):
have to reply as an answer (hadn't registered when posted question)
what if there were lots of other things that i have confronted him about? (which i have)i don't know how many other lies he has told me. i feel like if he could lie to me about this, he could have lied to me about a load of other stuff. i'm so paranoid. will i trust him again? he's actually angry that i'm so hurt by all this.
thanks for your answer btw... really appreciated
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (17 April 2007): Well if this is only the first time he's ever done something like this to you in all the years you've been together I would give him another chance.Make him delete it off his computer and say that he really hurt you and if you find out that he does anything like this again then it's over.
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