A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:This is difficult and knowing where to start even more so. Basically my ex and I split up December 2005 after 7 years together, we didn't split because we didn't love each other, it was because of a huge fight.We have a little boy and the last 12 months have been horrendous, there has been a lot of animosity between us. I had a few failed relationships, he also met someone else.We started Family Mediation in January and we found we could talk again. He told me his relationship was all but dead and he knew he had to do something about it. I wasn't aware that she had moved in with him but I knew she harboured ill feelings towards me and viewed me as a threat. He finally told her that their relationship was in serious trouble and that she needed to move out. She of course blamed me and has made threats. He is doing the right thing by allowing her to find a place of her own.Whilst all this has been going on we have evaluated our own relationship. We admit that we still have feelings for each other and have agreed that once the dust settles we need to discover whether we want to or can be together again, we are going to seek professional help for this by going to Relate also.My problem is that unless he makes it clear to her that she has absolutely no chance of rekindling anything with him then we stand no chance either. As he has explained to me she hasn't done anything wrong its just that their relationship hasn't worked out. He does genuinely like her, however he is concerned about my safety and the way she will behave if we do get back together. I wouldn't have a problem with him remaining her friend but I don't think this is going to be possible if we are going to make our relationship work.He also has the added problem that his other children like her and they are also blaming me for their split, as are his family. He really is in a difficult situation as he can't really please everyone and I'm reluctant to face him with this at the moment as I feel he has enough to deal with already. It concerns me that although he knows she needs to move on he will still bend to her will and she will in all porbability use the excuse that she wants to see his children in order to see him too.How can I break it to him without sounding to demanding about it that she has to go and for good?
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, TELLULAH +, writes (18 April 2007):
 Hi,
I still think he should be honest with her, although i appreciate you must be scared for a good reason. It sounds like the sooner he gets her out the better, then you can maybe rebuild your life to-gether if thats what you would want. I really do feel for you, as you may have guessed I am going through some grief myself at the moment. Its never easy is it?.
But you do sound strong, and i really hope you get through this without to much stress to yourself or your little boy. Wishing you the best of luck XXX
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 April 2007): Thanks Tellulah for your words. I feel approaching her would only make matters worse. Last year while we were unfriendy she would sometimes accompany him when we exchanged our son and she always looked at me down her nose, I had to tell him in the end not to bring her. More recently we had an unfortunate face to face encounter when she did verbally threaten to kill us both and she went for me and actually hit him.
When we were together I trusted him completely, never had any doubts and although I can't say I trust him that way now I do know him well enough to feel that he hasn't changed into a two-timing cheat. I know for a fact that he is lying to her, something he's not altogether too happy with. He is merely trying to keep the peace at the moment because when she blows up she calls his family and tells his boys what he's supposedly been up to.
She knows about the family mediation by the way but she doesn't know everything that we have agreed. Yes I feel she should know the truth but I also understand that this might not be the best possible course of action whilst she is still under his roof. She is a very insecure person from what I have learned of her I feel she is so desperate to hold onto him that even if she found out the truth she would still have him back. However her insecurities have led her to sneak around, she has checked his mobile, gone through his computer and even kept tabs on me by looking at my profile on a dating site using her ex's sign in (I have since deleted it!). I really feel she is a loose cannon and extremely unpredictable.
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A
female
reader, TELLULAH +, writes (17 April 2007):
Hi me again,
Sorry if i sounded to harsh, but I really think you should find out the truth from this other woman. How can you start affresh if he is lying to you. And if he is, would you still want him, or would she. He is playing a dangerous game with both of you, and i am praying to be honest, that this other woman is not me.
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A
female
reader, TELLULAH +, writes (17 April 2007):
He sounds extremly weak, but how do you know he is telling you the truth.
If he really wants to get back with you, why is he still living with her. Personally I dont think he is being honest with you or her, he sounds like he is doing a lot of sneaking around to me. I would also doubt that she will want to be friends with him if he goes back to you anyway. So I dont think you should worry about that.
Why do you think she would harm you, has she ever made a threat or said anything to your face?. Or is he just telling you this.
I only say this because my partner has been through a simular situation, and the best person to talk to is the other woman. But I would lay my life on it, she has made no threats.
Of course she is threatened by you, and with good reason, you are going to family mediation, behind her back. So she can probably sense there is somthing wrong.
If you were both finnished when he met her, dont you think that he owes it to her to tell her the truth. Because he is making you the other woman in all of this.
You seem to be more worried about him than anyone else in this situation. What if you have him back and it doesnt work, wont this upset your child.
Reading through the lines, he sounds like he doesnt care who he hurts, and that will probably be you again.
I hope you are ok whatever you do. Take care.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (17 April 2007): I guess it all depends on how much he wants to make a relationship work with you again.If he does I cannot see how she can remain on the scene at all.It just wont work.
If really serious I would consider a completely fresh start for you all inc kids. He would have to understand she must just go and stay away. Honest talking always the best policy.If he cant do this I would be concerned about his commitment.
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