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female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes: Hi Aunts and uncles,Recently my husband of 20 years and I had a dispute. I was surprised by something he did and told him that he should have discussed it with me before, as I would have done in his situation. He got angry with me and instead of having a conversation he started an argument. Now, this issue will arise again, no doubt about that and I’m not sure how to handle it. I just can’t justify what he did.At a family lunch a few days ago, without discussing it with me first, he announced that he was going to give half of the money he's about to receive to his estranged «father that was never a father».Now, I have no problem with this decision per se, I haven’t made up my mind yet. What bothers me is that he made that decision on the spot and told it to everyone trying to impress his family (in his own words). Background: In the last 5 years we have been fighting a « battle » for a house his mother left to him when she passed. (I don’t want to go into details, suffice to say that we have won and we’re sorting out the details and that this house has nothing to do with his father nor his family). His father left after my husband’s birth and has never cared for him in any way, morally, financially…. Nothing. A few years could go by between his phone calls. As he grew up and started working his father would call him when he needed money. His family knows all this, but hey, it’s their brother/cousin/nephew so nobody wants to rock the boat. His father’s family, the one he made this announcement to, are nice but there’s never been a family bond between them and my husband. He was always trying his best to be a part of that family and they just let him tag along. Most of the time when they got together for dinners, birthdays, holidays… they never bothered to invite him. Not out of malice, he just wasn’t on their minds. Simple fact. On the other hand he was always remembering their birthdays, sending gifts, offering help… I guess you see the picture.I honestly do not know what to think about his idea to give away half of the money. I mean one part of me thinks it’s his money (I’m not talking about the law which states that half of it is mine too ;), his inheritance…. The other part just doesn’t understand why he wants to throw it away on a man who doesn’t deserve it and prefers he give it to a charity.What really bothers me is the fact that he didn’t discuss it with me first. What do you think? Am I right when I feel the way I do? What do I tell him when we tackle this issue again? I also cringe at the idea that he may do this to me again. Decide and announce and do something this important without consulting me first.Thank you!
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female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (10 March 2017):
 I do think you should both go to couples therapy and try and get these issues covered. Your husband is trying to buy love from this family and it really is sad to see. I hope it works out well.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 March 2017): I must say that I do not agree with those who say that it's his inheritance and that he can throw it away if he pleases.I was in the similar situation, but it was MY inheritance and my husband was the one who stood by me for 10 long years, helped me deal with attorneys, legal bills, correspondence of all kinds, meetings etc. I wouldn't dream of presuming that the money I got in the end was mine and mine alone and that he had nothing to do with it. The house I inherited from my father was before marriage and he had nothing to do with it. But this was different. He was affected just as much as I was, he helped financially and otherwise. I had no right to make unilateral decisions.Also, when you are married or in a committed relationship, everything that one partner loses, gambles or throws away AFFECTS both partners, their future and the future of their children if you have any.I'm not saying that he's wrong to think whatever he is thinking, but he's wrong because he decided not to tell you in advance something this big. I understand that his inner child is hurting BUT he mustn't let it decide his life. If I were you I would find a good moment and talk to him calmly with concrete information. I would present him with how much you spent over the years on legal council, bills, travelling etc. I would also present him with the current financial situation (in my case we were also supporting financially HIS mother). Anything that he says that is not objective, realistic and concrete comes from that hurt kid, it's not the adult talking. He cannot count on the possibility that he will earn the money he's about to give away, he can only count on what he has right now. What would happen to my kids had I given away my inheritance and died afterwards? What about all those promises of solid education and a shot at a good future?He should have discussed it with you and reached a compromise. Maybe give him something, if he insists, but only after taking into account YOUR opinion and the expenses you had had. If you do not react now, next time you may find yourself with your bank account emptied if his family happens to need money. Think about that. Being in a couple is sharing responsibility always, not only when you feel like it.I agree with those who mentioned therapy. It would be good for him to face reality not just the reality of your couple where he can provoke an argument and just bury the issue. Good luck!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 March 2017): Thank you all for your advice!
Btw, he has been seeing a therapist for a couple of years, me too, we just haven't had any couples therapy.
He doesn't want to talk about the real issues. It still hurts too much. And it is dangerous because they are seriously influencing his decision making.
Thank you again!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 March 2017): It sounds to me as if he is desperately trying to buy his father's love.
This has nothing to do with you. Neither does how he decides to spend HIS inheritance. Regardless of what the law says about this money being legally half yours, morally it's all his.
Back off and let him try to create a bond or a bridge or whatever you want to call it with his father. Realise this is something he really wants and needs to do. Whether it works or not is not the point. The fact that the man you love needs to do this, should be enough for you, if you love him.
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A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (2 March 2017):
 "The other part just doesn’t understand why he wants to throw it away on a man who doesn’t deserve it"
You answered this question yourself. Because he wanted to impress his fathers side of the family. He wants to be part of that family. He is thinking maybe this grand gesture will make them love him, or will make his father love him. No doubt, he knows his father doesn't care much for him. But even as an adult, you never stop hoping that one day your "missing" parent will come around. You never stop hoping for it, dreaming for it, wishing for it. You never stop wanting it.
Your husband would benefit from some therapy-talks to come to terms with his missing relationship with his father. To come to terms with the fact that he does not have a father, only a sperm donor, or something of that kind.
I have a pretty good idea about what your husband is feeling and why he does what he does. I have a very troubled relationship with my father as well, who hasn't been a good father figure in my life. He was around when I was a kid, but he was abusive, both physically and psychological. It leaves deep scars. Yet I did not cut contact with him until very recently, and Im in my 30's now. I still hold out hope that one day he will stop being a shitty person and be a loving father, who actually cares about ME and not just himself. But I have stopped trying, stopped putting in an effort, stopped trying to see him from the good side, stopped clinging on to the few good memories of him.
Im not saying your husband should give up hope, or alienate himself from his fathers family. There will ALWAYS be an inner child in him that misses his father. An inner child that so desperately wants his attention and affection. So that is why he does this. Because he hopes it will make his father happy, or make his father "see" him. At the very least, make his fathers family see him.
Im also thinking the reason he didn't tell you about his decision is because he knew you wouldn't approve. You don't understand his motives. You would ask questions and pry into why he wants to do this. And the truthful answer to why is very very sore. It's his inner child crying out for attention. And he will not want to show you this, or tell you this, because he sees it as a weakness. It is just too hurtful an emotion to talk about also. It would probably rip up that whole load of emotions for him to open up about his real reasons for doing this. It's easier for him to keep it to himself and suffer through it on his own.
But if you can handle it, and can be there for him, be compassionate and supportive, you should try to talk to him about it. But you need to remember that you're approaching his inner child, which will have all the bottled up feelings of a child, and he might not react as an adult when you start to dig into these feelings. Because they are bottled up feelings of a child.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 March 2017): I agree with you that he should have at least let you know about what he wanted to do with an inheritance he received, before he made an announcement in front of many family members. I would feel a bit betrayed that I was lumped into a group of people that I had no respect for, just as you were at that moment.
Even though it may be his money to do with what he wants, the decision does affect you as his wife, and he does need to talk to you about things like that.
I think you can try and talk about this from a different angle with him though, so to avoid this particular hot button argument. Tell him that it made you feel disrespected to be kept in the dark about this large of a decision on his part. Also, see if you can try and set up a ground rule going forward to discuss between you any financial decisions involving more than, say, $100, or some other amount you both decide on. This would now include any more money that he wants to give or lend to his father, or other family members.
Then, forgive him for his weird need to be admired and accepted by his father & father's family. It might be him just proving to himself that he is worthy of their love now, when he never got to feel that way growing up. It is too bad that he thinks buying their love is enough, but if you think of it this way - just a little boy wanting his father in his life, and the only way now is to buy it- it might allow you to accept your husband's fault a bit more.
Also, never underestimate the value of marriage/family counseling. It might get him some insight into his behavior and help keep him from putting both of you in the poor house to the benefit of his father's family later.
Hope this helps,
R
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