A
female
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*isa_01
writes:Been with my man for 2 years. We live together. Over the last six months I keep coming across porn. He was downloading it from the internet. Anyway I got upset at him, explained to him that it makes me feel ugly and I just don't like it being in the house. So in the end I cut the internet off so he would not download it anymore. Anyway a couple months later I found a cd with copies of all the porn he downloaded on it and I also found a porno DVD hiding in the study room. Once again I expressed to him how it was making me feel ugly and depressed. He told me he does not look at it to get off; he uses the films to practise code hacking. I know he's lying, and once again I found now he was swapping and trading porn with a buddy of his, and once again he says it's used for hacking. I want to believe him but my gut is telling me he is not being truthful. In the end I told him that I don't care why he has the porn; I just don't want it in the house. I explained to him once again how it makes me feel yet he told me I had issues, and then when I was bad mouthing porn saying the girls in the films looked like drugged up little Sl*ts he tried to stick up for them saying they're not on drugs and it's a job blah blah blah. I just don't know what to do. I'm thinking of leaving him becaue I don't want this to be a problem in our relationship. I don't know what to do, and I don't know why he looks at it and lies about it and still does it, even though I have expressed to him how upsetting it is for me.Please, someone help. I'm finding myself falling out of love with him and I don't want to leave him over something like this.
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (24 February 2006): That's emotional abuse, luv. You can get out. Lots of women do. Same situation, no money, depressed, etc. You can do it. It takes planning. http://idid.essortment.com/leavinganabusi_rjjh.htmlhttp://www.faqfarm.com/QWhat_does_an_emotional_abuser_get_out_of_the_abuseThere are books and websites out there dedicated to this subject. You can take steps to save money, rebuild relationships with friends and family (don't be ashamed), and get up the courage to walk out. Good luck to you.
A
female
reader, lisa_01 +, writes (23 February 2006):
lisa_01 is verified as being by the original poster of the question From reading everyones advice i can see now that my gut was right, he is not being truthfull, iv tried talking to him but he just keeps saying he uses it for practising hacking but i have never seen him use it for that, and he hides it from me too. Im just so over it, im depressed from it, i feel like im not good enough, before i found out he was downloading porn and trading it from a friend i was happy was able to walk down the street with my head high and with a smile but now i cant even look another person in the eye. I dont eat i dont smile,at the end of the day i hate having to go home and sleep next to a man that lies to my face. I dont feel i trust him anymore and i feel like i dont know him anymore, i dont beleave a word he says to me anymore. When he says he loves me or when he says im beatiful i dont believe him, i dont enjoy sex because im worried he thinks of the girls in the porn, iv told him idont trust him and iv told him that it hurts my feelings, i'v told him that i dont enjoy sex becaue im worried his thinking of porn, and he just turns around and calls me names, says i have issues and i have social problems. I want to leave but i have no money and i have no where else to go.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 February 2006): Just in case you need yet one more person to tell you: downloading porn has absolutely nothing to do with hacking. I've been working in the computer industry for over eight years, and I've been using computers for over 13 years. Downloading porn has nothing to do with hacking or studying computers or computer language. As I see it, you also have no need to demand the truth from him. You already know the truth. He looks at porn, and he's not willing to give it up for you. He is willing to sneak it and lie about it, though, which is indicative of addictive behavior.It should be known that I am female and have no problem with my man looking at porn. I think with such easy access to it, it's natural for a man to look at it and masturbate to it occasionally. And I don't think it's equivalent to cheating. But that's _me_. Not you, and you're the one in the relationship. I just want to make the point that it may be difficult to find a man that _never_ looks at porn. But then, I'm no expert, I haven't looked for one.What's important here is that he does it when he knows it hurts you, he lies about it, and most importantly, he seems to have a problem with it. Every man I know looks at porn on the internet, but not with this kind of intensity of need or with such frequency. I do know two or three fellows who look at porn constantly on the web, and I think they're sick and have a problem. It's like any other vice, it needs to be controlled. If he were drinking, and it was a problem, and sneaking and lying about it, this would be much clearer, wouldn't it?No one can tell you where to draw your line. For me, it's deception. I cannot stand deception in my relationship and would leave him for that -- after forgiveness, of course, many times over, with attempts at reparations. But there is a point where you have to decide when something has gone too far, a point when you realize whether he's going to change or not, a point when you see that he cares or is taking you for granted and dismissing your concern and heartbreak. Make attempts to communicate and fix the situation (which it seems to me, you have). Draw your line. Don't make idle threats. Respect yourself enough to walk away if you have to.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (23 February 2006): Well said, loveable rogue. A great answer! I totally agree with you. Nothing more needs to be said...you said it all.
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A
male
reader, loveable rogue +, writes (23 February 2006):
There seems to be a lot of arguements about porn... either way if hes practicing code hacking tell him to get a real hobby, or go to university and study a computer degree. Your arguement is more than resonable, it is theorecticaly like cheating. if you both sit down and you explain to him its hurting you he should stop. if not you've got to ask just how much he realy cares for yougood luck
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A
female
reader, mystify +, writes (22 February 2006):
 i fell out of love with my guy once because of his lies and although its much better now i sometimes wonder about how it would of been if i had been in a better position to leave him at the time , i mean i still get upset now but 1 1/2 years on if id left id prob be completely over it by now, do what you feel is gonna be best for you, the porn is one thing but when someone lies its hard to know where you are with them, you can look into thier eyes and see sincerity and know full well that they are capable of deciet,
good luck
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A
female
reader, willywombat  +, writes (22 February 2006):
 I have issues with the way this guy treats you. He is dishonest and has no respect for you. I dont just mean about the porn issue, its the fact he treats you as if you are stupid and cannot see thru him!
I hope he either grows up or you find the stregnth to make your way on your own.
Good luck honey.
xxx
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A
female
reader, lisa_01 +, writes (22 February 2006):
lisa_01 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionthanks for the feed back from everyone, well first off about 6 months into living with each other i found his porn magazines there was about 6 or 7, it didnt really worry as the magazines where out of sight out of mind, but his got porn on dvd's and cd;s and when i go to use the pc andi go to listen to some of my music on the media player and i click play and then some film with two young girls having sex pops up on the screen just really bothers me, then i look at the girls in the movies and then i compare them to me then i think i now understand why he would look at this because there so young and attractive and im old and ugly, its gotten so bad that i hardly eat now, i cant stand going near a mirror or seeing myself naked, and i cant enjoy sex with my bf because i get upset and run out on him half way because im worried he thinks im ugly or his thinking of the girls in the films. sometimes he just leaves porn cds laying around, i sometimes have my younger sister come stay with us and im embrassed if she saw something like that.i just hate how he leaves it laying around so i can see it when he knows it hurts me bad. sometimesi want to leave but i have no money and i dont know waht to do because this guy just wont accept how i feel and his a liar.
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A
male
reader, GLforever +, writes (21 February 2006):
 Personally, I don't see anything wrong with porn used in moderation... though I am not much into it myself.However, your man seems to have a real problem with the truth. Downloading porn for some type of hacking practice?!?! That has to be one of the lamest excuses ever!I feel that he should be more respectful of how porn makes you feel. But, it wouldn't be fair to try to "ban" him from ever looking at porn. Perhaps you and he could come to some agreement regarding when and where he uses his porn.I also think that there is porn made specifically for women. Perhaps if you indulged in "porn for women" it might give him a "taste of his own medicine".
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (21 February 2006): He doesn't respect you at all or care about your feelings. You've already explained that you have ethical problems with the porn. Not only do you hate that he objectifies women, and gets off on it, rather than you, but also that you feel uncomfortable with it in your house... you need to let him go. Your relationship must be based on shared values. He does not value your feelings or agree with you on this controversial topic. I think it's time to tell him that you're falling out of love with him because of this. He must be told that this!! If he doesn't listen to you and fobs you off, imagine spending the rest of your life with a man like that. Sound appealing?
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A
female
reader, willywombat +, writes (20 February 2006):
I thnk this guy must think you are soft in the head to try to get you to believe this line of bulldust! Get to grips with him and demand the truth, tell him that you will lose all respect for him (if you havent already) unless he stops lying to you.
If he wont come clean and tell you the truth you will have to look at the facts and come to terms with either being with a lying toerag or moving on.....
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reader, anonymous, writes (20 February 2006): i have had the same problem. i know it hurts when a man does this especially when it continues after you have expressed how you feel. sometimes men either don't think they're doing anything wrong and think you're whinging about nothing. he should respect your feelings but viewing porn in the first place proves he doesn't. if he wants to practice hacking codes, there is plenty of other material out there to use for that. give him an ultimatum. tell him it's you or the porn. if he chooses the porn then you have to leave him. if he chooses you, expect him to prove to you that the porn has stopped. i know it will be hard for you if you leave him but your relationship will be ruined if he can't, or isn't willing to, prove you are the only one he wants.
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