A
female
age
41-50,
*elloindia
writes:i have been married to my husband now for 10 years. I recently found out on the day of my 10 year wedding anniversary my husband was in love with another women. I found the message on his phone that said "i love you lots" now when i asked him about this sms, he said not to worry. but he has a hard time sending me sms's with love in them. so as i pressed forward on this issue, he told me he finds this other women "perfect" and ideal. this broke my heart. Now he has said he was close with a friend from training, but i thought their friendship was mearly based on flying( thats his job). I have heard him talk to her about flying before, so i never thought anything about it. But 2 1/2 years before, i had an emotional affair. Which was completly wrong. I never saw or thought about my life with that person,, was more the lack of attention from my husband. Okay..... so i am broken hearted about this so called friendship my husband has with this other women, i hate the fact he feels they have so much in common. I also dont like the fact that he reassures me nothing would ever happen because he is married to me, and it's okay if he loves this other women. I see the other women as a complete threat and I see that my husband has thought about what it would be like with her. I dont know what to do. Am i reading to much into this?? Should i trust my husband and let him continue this so called friendship? I am so confused. I love this man with all my heart, and i can agree that we have not been very kind to one another in the past, and we changed, and life caught up with us. But I want to bring that all back. He says he loves me, and wants to be only with me. But he really likes having this women as a friend. Its his outlet he says. What should I do?
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male
reader, Wild Thaing  +, writes (27 August 2008):
 Both of you are talking about your feelings to each other and this is a good start. Your hubby's fear about things "going back to normal" is very important. If he doesn't want this to happen then make sure you both understand that a marriage is a lifelong work-in-progress. In other words, both of you have to be working hard at it or the marriage stalls.
Keep up the open and honest communication. I think your hubby wants this marriage to work as much as you do. Good luck and take care.
A
female
reader, helloindia +, writes (27 August 2008):
helloindia is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHe has mentioned that he misses the way things were when we first got married, he said around a year after is when I started changing. I think it was just the casual side of things. I didnt have to be all made up everyday, I didnt need to worry about appearance or anything of that sort.
I also miss how things were too. But I just thought, if he never said anything, then there was nothing to worry.
We have been talking alot this past week, ( by the way, this all came about last monday) and he does say he wants us to work, and he is not talking to the other women " because he wants to let them have space". But he never said he was sorry, or that he has to.
I am just so hurt. We have hurt each other for so long, and I am willing to do anything to make our marriage work. Its, just now, I cant trust him. I have found gifts given to him by this women, and other things, and I am just so hurt that he lied to me about all this. This has been going on for 2 years now. I did call and confront this other women, and she was just getting off her flight, so she was not able to talk, and has called me several times, which i just cant seem to answer her calls.
I just dont know what to do.
I love him very much, I want back the love we have missed for so long.
Now his thing is all about compatibility. He feels we are not compatible. Which I think we are. I believe its more cultural then compatibility.
I am american, and he is Indian.
I have expectations too, as well as him. But I am just sooooo confused.
I know its not possible for him to not see this women, since they both work in the same airline, but live in different state, they are bound to meet at some point. But he refuses to get rid of all the stuff she has given him. I gave him the choice and he just put it into his closet. Am i totally reading into this all wrong? Are my feeling justified?
I have never been a jealous person, thats all ways been my husband. I feel like I am turning into one.
He has a fear that this will last for a few months, and then things will go back to normal, I also have that fear. But the only type of emotion I can get from this guy is through sex. I also need more then that.
I would appreciate your advice, on my dysfunctional issue at the moment. To help with the process of bringing back the love in our life for one another.
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A
male
reader, baddogbj  +, writes (27 August 2008):
 I have no way of knowing whether your husband is cheating or not but at the very least he is on the edge of it for whatever reason. What I can say, with great confidence, is that if you choose not to trust him or to try to punish him in some way you will make it much much more likely that he will cheat with this woman or another one. So, you are faced with a choice, either walk now or put doubt out of your mind and love him with open arms.
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A
female
reader, starismine1  +, writes (27 August 2008):
 "I love this man with all my heart, and i can agree that we have not been very kind to one another in the past, and we changed, and life caught up with us" It's time for you to look at your life, and not focus on how your husband treats you, whether he has female friends or a female lover. Just look at YOU AND YOUR LIFE. Are you happy with your life? You are missing you. What do you love to do? What aren't you doing in your life that you want to do for you? Find yourself. Start being kind to yourself. Start pampering yourself (and not just with sex from another guy). Until you do this, the drama of affairs and "friendships with others" will haunt your marriage for an eternity.
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