A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:It's been just over a year since I found out the guy I was dating had a girlfriend. We had gotten pretty serious, exchanged the I love you's etc. Then, one night I stopped by unexpectedly and caught him on the phone with this woman. She does not live in our city, or even our country as she is doing medical school in the Caribbean. I was devastated and confronted him. He told me that when he moved to our city for school, he had been hoping to slowly break up with her. He said that he was hoping that her going away to school would enable her to make new friends and find other ppl she can depend on. He said her family did not support her and she was alone. So, his plan was to slowly break things off with her, and hoped that we could continue our relationship.I didn't, and still don't know how much of that to believe. After we broke up, he turned to her, as he was new to our city as well and hadn't really made any close connections other than me. We decided to remain friends, as we had been friends before we started dating. I finally net his parents. Over the past year there have been times where things almost got intimate, no kissing, but the sexual tension was unreal. I refused to do anything, knowing the other woman was still in the picture. We went for a month in October not seeing each other at all, and when we finally did see each other, it was like everything was right again. He keeps telling me he is stuck and doesn't know what to do. He says she hasn't been able to make any friends in the 2 years that she has been at school and he is the only one she has (I think she is manipulating him so that he doesn't leave). 2 days ago we had a very emotional talk. He said he is lonely and misses having someone to be close to. He said that if his plans had gone as he had hoped last year, we would have bought a house right now....he says his feelings for me are still strong. He just can't let this girl be alone in a foreign country. There is a real possibility that she will be coming here, to our city, to do the clinical part of her medical studies. At that point I know our friendship will have to end b/c I don't think I can be around him if she is here. He said he hopes she gets placed in the States and that the prospect of another 2 years apart will be too much for her and that she will find someone and end it, but he can't do it. He has admitted that he does care for her, and loves talking to her....I found out recently that he was seeing someone for casual sex, she lives 2 hours away and they only hook up once a month. In a moment of weakness, I approached him, but he said that he could not sleep with me b/c there were too many feelings involved and he would feel guilty, especially given our history. I'm not sure what to make about that. My question is should I believe any of this? Again, we are not, and have not slept together, so I don't know why he would feel the need to say all this to me if this is not true. Also, is there anything I can do to get him to choose me. I have tried moving on, stopping contact, but I LOVE this man so much. Sorry for the long post, but thanks for any and all advivce.
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broke up, I love you, kissing, long distance Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (20 February 2010): It may be hard to see right now, but try to put yourself in his shoes. Could you do this to two, or possibly three people you care about? If he cared about you as much as you do him, then he could not do this to you. You may think this other girl is manipulating him, but it's just the opposite, and now he's doing it to you too. He's selfish, and he's not thinking about your feelings or those of the other two girls. He is a player and a cheat. You should really break all ties with this guy before he does lasting damage to you. And remember that there are kind, caring people out there who will treat you with love and respect, but this man is NOT one of them!
A
female
reader, hijacked_dignity  +, writes (17 February 2010):
 Bottom line? No. You can't, and you shouldn't, believe any of this. That's great that you haven't slept with this guy since you found out about him having an actual girlfriend, but you shouldn't even be friends with him. You said you wouldn't be able to be friends with him if his girlfriend was around, but what's the difference between now and then? She is still his girlfriend no matter if she's one mile away or a thousand miles away. You are committing the same crime of association in either circumstance, and even though she is so far away, I would doubt the distance would comfort her if she knew what was going on.
So don't kid yourself that what you are doing now is any different than if she moved back. Second, I know it might feel like you 'love' this guy, but he doesn't love you. Period. Someone who truly loves someone else doesn't string them along like he's doing to you. And YES, he is stringing you along. The signs? He's making excuses, giving you all these reasons why she just isn't tickling his fancy anymore. And notice it's all on her, and he's just this big cheating savior to save her from loneliness. And personally, he shouldn't flatter himself, because I am sure if she knew he has already cheated on her at least twice, she would pick being alone over being with someone like him. Another reason? You said you had a weak moment, and he said no because "it doesn't feel right", or "he would feel guilty". That's bull. He doesn't have a guilty bone in his body. If he really was capable of feeling "guilty", he'd feel guilty about cheating on his girlfriend in the first place. It's because he has a new fling that he can sleep with, and it isn't you.
I'm sorry, but you should be ecstatic that this guy isn't cutting off his girlfriend for you. He's a loser, a cheater, and a manipulator. You are a strong woman. You stopped sexual relations with this guy when you found out the truth, and you have stuck to it. That's more than a lot of women can say. Now you know deep down what you have to do next, and that's cut off any ties with this creep. It's hard to see these facts from the inside perspective, because you are overcome with emotions. Use logic if possible. This is how this guy treats women. Not just his girlfriend, but you, and this new girl he's messing around with. He does not have a healthy outlook on relationships or friendships for that matter, and you need to stay away from him. That way you can heal and move on. Best of luck to yuo.
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A
male
reader, CaringGuy  +, writes (17 February 2010):
Sorry, but you're the mistress here. He's not going to leave her. He could leave her any time he likes. Unless he leaves her, you don't stand a chance.
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