A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Hello,I've been in a relationship with this guy for 2,5 years. We were even engaged. I'm 24, this guy just turned 23. Evert hing was perfect for the first 2 years. We fought like normal couples do. Sometimes fights were over nothing, sometimes a little more severe. There are things that happened, more recently. I'd say over the past 4 months, that were maybe a little unhealthy. But nevertheless, we love each other so much. Over the years we have been dating, he has had problems with getting a good job, he has worked a lot of different jobs, and had gotten fired and went on to the next. I blamed a lot of our fights on financial issues. We broke up 3,5 months ago but after 3 weeks we got back together - after me begging and pleading for him to give it another try. As soon as we started dating again, he got a pretty good job, so our financial issues kind of went away. I feel like he is irresponsible in a lot of different perspectives and I let him know that. He gets very defensive and angry when I bring these things up, which I understand. I'm the one trying to run a stable household for us. The past few years we have been together he has pretty much lived with me for free. A few weeks ago, we started to act very distant towards each other, to the point where he has again, broken up with me. The reasons he gives me is that right now he feels like he can't be in a relationship, with me or with anyone. He says he feels bad for me because he works a lot and I hardly get to spend quality time with him. That he has a lot on his plate right now and needs to be able to stand on his own feet. I let him know that I'm ok with the fact that I don't get to see him a whole lot and all I want is to create a stable home for him where he can just relax after a long day of work, where he can just do what he needs to do. That he does not have to feel obligated to do anything, all I want is to know that everything between us is ok and I would stop worrying and stressing so much. He continues to say that he can't be in a relationship, that it isn't me. But why be distant with me? I was the one that had to pull it out of him, if I hadn't said anything, he would have gone on with beating around the bush and basically take advantage of me and living with me for free. I did tell him he needed to start helping me with rent since he has a stable job now. I told him I didn't want this to be on bad terms, but somehow he seems angry at me, trying to avoid me as much as he can, ignores my calls and texts. So I wonder, did he just say these things and has really a different reason for the break up? Could there be another? Why does he shut me out and ignore me completely? I understand what he is saying, but it all just doesn't make sense to me. I really have no friends or family around, which makes it very hard to cope with this, I'm extremely emotional and I feel like this feeling will never pass. I feel hopeless, lonely and down most of the time. I can't concentrate on work, and I work from home which makes things worse. It eats at me. I analyze every bit and piece day in day out. I can't sleep nor can I eat. Please help me and tell me what I can do to improve the situation, or maybe a way I can get thru to him, for him to maybe come back to me. I do talk to some people every now and then, which helps me get thru the day. We also agreed to go to couples counseling and he was eager to go but he doesn't even want that anymore.Thank so much in advance.
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female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (30 October 2010):
 I can't be in a relationship rignt now = I am a loser
It's not you = I am a loser
I work a lot but can't pay rent = I am a loser
Being with you is a daily reminder that he's a loser. He's wondering why you keep running back to him. He senses that you don't really love him or respect him, you just want a some presence to assuage your fear of loneliness. He resents that he has to correct his childish ways to keep up with you, instead of you worshipping him in his shiny armor right from the beginning.
Only 2.5 years and he already needs counselling. The problem is that he's not ready for marriage. Money is a big part, a reality in a relationship. Love is not enough. I can understand a lot of young people wondering why we have to suffer, slave ourselves to make a living. They go from job to job figuring what they really want to do. However it's really hard to get fired from a job. You have to be really dumb to not fulfill your duties, not respect your boss, even if it's a job you don't like.
You are an independent girl with a good heart. You shouldn't settle for less in a partner.
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