A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:hey i am slightly confused atm and am looking for some answers... i recently got together with a guy after a long winded journey... basically we were in a so called open relationship, something that i didnt wnt to be in but as i wnted to be with him i agreed with it... i then decided it wasnt worth playing 2nd fiddle and i deserved someone better so i gave him almost an ultimatum... to get with me or get out my life... anyway he chose me and its been a couple months into it... however today he told me hes going to see his ex and going sky drivin with her on saturday as they had bought vouchers ages ago... im feeling really insecure atm and dont know why he is still doing things with her and still even talking so closely with her... to be honest im not the jelous type but hes told me a few things that have made me think... like for example when he was with his ex he cheated on her a number of times, sometimes at places where she was present.he was with her for 5 years and when he started an "open relationship" with me he was still with her hence why he didnt wnt to be in a relationship with me... he claimed that after 4years he wanted to call it quits but he couldnt hurt her... im really unsure of his character now but i really think i love him... he has reassured me that he only cheated coz he wasnt happy and says it completely differnt with me... he is being honest with me coz he tells me when he goes with his ex or even chats to his ex.. i dont even ask him about it... i dont know but im feeling very insecure... i just dont feel i can trust him even though hes not done anything like that to be... is he really the person he says he is or is he the same old person he was with his ex.... pleaaasee help me... im so confused and scard
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female
reader, hlskitten +, writes (19 August 2008):
 Well i guess this might be the old chestnut of getting with someone that has cheated on someone else, they dont even have to do anything to you, you just cant get past the fact you know they are capeable of it, for whatever reason! Not everyone has it in them to deceive and if i started seeing someone on a casual basis because they were with someone else (cough which i have long ago cough) i wouldn't ever trust them either! Unfortunately you got into this relationship in the wrong way, and nothing but a time capsule is going to change that, and we dont have access to those!
I dont think anything anyone says is going to make any difference. How do you move on from the way it started, you cant really. Sometimes we have to accept we wont ever trust someone even though we love them and say bye and move on with a heavy heart. It sucks but it does get better. And when you meet someone that you get with in all the right order, it makes all the difference and you dont have to look back. But these kind of relationships can be very damaging in the long run unfortunately. But we can learn from it.
Good luck.
C xxxx
A
male
reader, Yos  +, writes (19 August 2008):
 Your ultimatum sounds like it was exactly the right thing to do. And now he's pushing back.
His former cheating and your earlier rather peculiar 'open relationship' situation gives you very good cause to be suspicious. It certainly sets a dangerous precedent... for that reason he should be extra sensitive to these issues with you. He obviously has no major qualms about sleeping with both of you at once.
There is no good reason why he needs to continue contact with her, that you have given at least. She is his 'ex', and for the benefit or your relationship he should stop seeing her altogether. They have no kids, no shared assets, nothing to bind them together. It needs to end.
I suggest you give him another ultimatum, and this one not a 'sort of'... it needs to be 'you or her' and that's it. If he cares about you, and you make it clear that it's her or you, then he'll choose you. If he cares more about her, then he'll choose her, but at least you'll know and won't be wasting your time prior to having your heart broken.
Stay strong and he'll know you mean it. If you back down now then he'll could very easily see it as a green light to start cheating (if he's not doing it already).
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A
female
reader, TELLULAH +, writes (19 August 2008):
 I understand completely, but still the 5 years doesnt mean anything to him otherwise he would still be there wouldnt he?. And I would have thought that if she still had feelings for him, wont going with her make it worse. I doubt that she has suddenly got over it, because if he thought that she had, he would tell her about you.
I personally think he is doing the wrong thing, by you and her. He is upsetting you by going in the first place, and also could be sending out the wrong signal to her.
I think when you split up, its better if you dont see each other for a while, and then the posibility of remaining friends is higher.
If he loves you he wont cheat, but its up to you as to if you feel you can trust him.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (19 August 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionwell i would love to but he only recntly split up with his ex... like 3 months ago after them being together for 5years so he doesnt want her to feel as if hes already moved on and doesnt want to hurt her and by taking me it would show that hes already moved on and as if 5years didnt meant anything...
he only split up with her a month before he got with me and i believe that he only split with her coz of me and i hate that.. i hate being the other women coz thats not my character :(
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A
female
reader, TELLULAH +, writes (19 August 2008):
Hi,
If he wanted to cheat on you he would anyway. He doesnt need to go sky diving to do it. Having said that I understand your concerns, because he has not been honest in the past to either of you.
I dont know how old he is, but its possible that he is happy with you and just see's this other girl as a mate, like he say's. And if he really still wanted her, he would be with her wouldnt he?
I dont think I would be happy about my partner going away with an ex, cant you offer to go with them, even if you only watch??.
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