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female
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anonymous
writes: hi my boyfriend cheated on me at the start of our relationship but we got over it and moved on he has lived with me for a year and 8 months but i have trouble trusting him when he makes friends with girls , i get really jealous and insecure even when he tells me nothing is going on. i find myself sneaking on his computer and phone to dig up dirt on him!!its like an obsession and he gets mad when i then ask him loads of questions like why is she is talking to you etc ....he tells me i have nothing to worry about and that if he didnt want to be with me he would just leave but he doesnt because he is with me and loves me. hes just a really really big flirt and likes the attention too much adnd to lead girls on , please help its driving me insane.
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cheated on me, flirt, insecure, jealous Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (23 May 2006): It's plainly obvious your bf finds that flirting with other women, boosts his self-esteem and helps him feel good about himself. That's sad. It is also disrespectful to you and shows an extreme lack of self control, on his part. He tells you he loves you, he tells you not to worry about it, but continues doing it anyways. I especially am questioning his committment to you, when he said, "if he didnt want to be with me he would just leave". This stinks, because he using that comment to keep you off balance. I am worried about you. You have this man you love and like so many women, you are hoping he will fit your wants, and dreams of a happy future. You are even willing to put aside your relationship values to accommodate him and submissively tolerate his acting out behaviours. Instead you drive yourself insane, wondering and obssessing as to whether, he's cheating on you. Is this really making you happy to be this way? By posting your thoughts and questions here, I am thinking you are seriously looking at what his behaviours are saying and the true meaningfulness of having a man like this, in your life. You need to think smart here. Take 'love' out of his because right now you are very emotionally blind. Trust and respect are the building blocks of a solid, happy relationship. Right now, you have neither. I am a strong believer in people who are being 'put upon' in relationships, to begin setting boundries. In fact, boundries should be set in place right off the start. We all deserve to have our feelings respected. Sooo-You have two choices here. Set those boundries by letting him know you won't permit this behaviour in your relationship. He will have to work hard to earn back your trust. Taking a strong stand on your needs and beliefs, will require risk. He may leave, anyways because if he's disrespecting you, causing you constant worry...this was not love, hun. But setting boundries is worth it, it allows a women, no matter, to at least walks away with her personal integrity intact and a whole hell of a lot wiser. .or, you can continue living your life this way and quietly allowing these resentful feelings to destroy your soul, the essence of who you are and inevitably, you will become bitter and angry and he leaves anyways. Your choice.
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female
reader, esmerelda +, writes (23 May 2006):
It must be very frustrating for your boyfriend to have you being demanding and checking for anything suspicious on his phone, but he has put himself in that position. As far as I'm concerned you are the victim of the situation, not him. I think discovering you've been cheated on is very much like any physical trauma; you were shocked and hurt and afraid, and are still recovering from this, because it's not easy to build up trust. He should be doing everything he possibly can to support you and build your self esteem, which must have plummeted when you found out about his cheating. He can't expect you to get over it as quickly as he has and as quickly as he wants you to. Everyone says that a betrayal ends up affecting both people; you have suffered and are still getting over it, this is the part that he has to go through. Don't hide any feelings you have - if you're afraid or suspicious let him know, don't suppress it, otherwise your pain will be prolonged. In my own experience, infidelity brings out the strangest feelings you never knew you had. If he knows that his flirting scares you, he should flirt less. And he DEFINITELY shouldn't get angry at you for snooping. If he is sensitive and aware of what makes you worry you'll get over this easier and quicker, and he'll not be at the receiving end of your paranoia any more.
It's his responsibility to help you get over this and trust him again. If he's a decent human being who loves, you he'll acknowledge that this paranoia isn't you, it's what he did to you. What you had to deal with was an awful lot worse than what he's having to deal with now.
He hurt you and you're still hurting. He has to deal with that and support and forgive you if you've changed.
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female
reader, Toria +, writes (23 May 2006):
 He cheated when you first got together, if he hasnt cheated since then it can be classed as a small mistake on his part when the relationship was still new, no this doesnt make cheating right but you choose to forgive him and stay with him therefore you must accept your decision and more on from this, you cant spend your life worrying about what might happen or all you will do is push him away, constantly accusing him will only make him want to cheat so he isnt being accused for no reason, you need to work out if you want to be with him and if you do you need to let it go, if you cant let it go you need to think about walking away.
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female
reader, Wendyg  +, writes (23 May 2006):
 I agree with Dr Pete, The more you show you dont trust, the more hes going to feel inclined to do it, as you have more or less hung him anyway so hes gonna feel what the heck. Now he did wrong in the first instance, and you forgave him, you had a choice back then whether to carry on or not and you decided to stay. So I think you need to accept it completely and start a fresh or you will always be a doubting Thomas. I in some ways can relate to what you are saying, my man is a very chatty type and likes to help people, it just so happens that the people he likes to help and talk to are females!! it used to drive me nuts but well after a while you can see there is no harm in it and hes just being friendly. Flirting with the opposite sex is always a buzz for any of us, and well its probably harder to talk to the same sex about some stuff so we speak to the opposite sex. In the main if he is just chatting there isnt any harm, you are probably doing more harm to yourself really by stressing over it. If it was a one off and he has not done anything since then learn to give him a bit of rope, let him know now that you are anxious and explain why you feel so dubious about it, and tell him that you dont think its right to lead girls on, but you can understand a friend is a friend and dont have a problem with him doing this so long as it is strictly that, and tell him that you would feel a whole lot better about it if he didnt flirt quite so readily. The more relaxed you are about it the less it will stick in your head. Everytime you feel the urge to check up on him, do something else! The more you can stop checking up the better it will be. If you still have doubts then maybe he isnt the one for you, but give it a chance, like he told you, he wants you thats why he is with you, the other bits are just entertainment to him, something different to do, and on the surface there probably isnt that much to worry about.
Take care
x
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reader, anonymous, writes (23 May 2006): You said you have got over it, but you clearly haven't.
Did he cheat on you right at the beginning of your relationship? Sometimes this happens in couples, someone sleeps with someone else before you have become a proper couple. Is this what happened?
For this to work you have to learn to trust him, or your jealousy and insecurities will ruin the relationship. He'll end up resentful of you, and if he doesn't feel like you trust him, he'd me more likely to cheat on you, especially as he already has the need to flirt with other girls.
He needs to be extra supportive so that you do not unnecessarily worry. i.e. he needs to stop flirting and leading girls on straight away. Hopefully with his help, you can trust him again. Perhaps you could give yourself 3 months and see how you feel then. If things haven't improved, perhaps it's worth considering that you'll never trust him again?
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