A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I need some advice on how to trust my boyfriend again, and how to move on and forgive him. We have been together for a year now, and moved in together six months ago. I've always been insecure for some reason, and am guilty of going through his phone/email behind his back. A couple of months ago, we had been going through a rough patch, and I went through his email and found that he had been sending facebook messages back and forth with a girl from work (one of his students-he teaches medical assistants, so nothing illegal here). They were very dirty, describing what he wanted to do to her, and vice versa. I confronted him about them, and at first he was angry and defensive about having no privacy. But then he fessed up to all of it, saying he was incredibly sorry and that it would never happen again. He said that the reason he did it was because he didn't want to be with me anymore, but didn't know how to end it. And now he realized that he did love me, and we would work through it all. Things got alot better (I thought) and we seemed to be doing great, except for his complete lack of sex drive. He said it was just because he was tired from work, but something just never quite sat right with me. The big blowup happened when I logged onto our cellphone account, and noticed a log of all the texts and calls he'd had in the last month. Over 1200 texts to one number. I wrote down the number, and then asked him about it, and he was pissed that I had gone through his stuff again, and claimed it was a guy friend of his from school (another student). I didn't believe it, and neither did my best friend. She ended up calling that number and pretending to be someone else, and the person who answered the phone was the same girl that my boyfriend had been sending messages to over 2 months ago. I went to his work and confronted him again, and he denied it all, until I asked to see his phone. Then I read everything, all the messages, him telling this girl that "we need to stop for awhile, she's about to find out. I want to fix it with my girlfriend, we may have to stop". He denied that they had ever hung out or slept together, but I called her from his phone, and she told me everything. They'd been sleeping together for the last 2 months. It never stopped like he said it did, and it was actually so much worse. He cried and apologized and said he was done with her, that I was the only one he wanted, and that he would do anything to fix us. I took him back.Things have seemed alot better, but I can't get over this. I found all of it out the day before our anniversary, which was only a week or so ago. I can't stop thinking about the two of them. Sometimes I have questions about the whole situation, but if I ask him he gets irritated and doesnt want to talk about it. If something reminds me of it all, and I get a little depressed, he sighs and says "great, now you're in one of those moods again." My question is... what now?? I do really love him, but did I make a mistake in taking him back? How can I ever learn to trust him again? I get physically sick everytime he leaves for work because I know he's going to see her again. How do I move past this, or is it even possible? Has anyone else been in a similar situation, and how did it work out for you?
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anniversary, best friend, cheated on me, depressed, facebook, insecure, move on, moved in, sex drive, text Reply to this Question
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 January 2011): You only discovered the full extent of his cheating a few weeks ago. And already hes growing irritated with you for being upset?! Thats a sure sign that hes not sorry for what he did and he doesnt care about the pain hes caused you. As for a few tears. It should take more than that to win a woman back! If he really loved you, he wouldnt have cheated. He would be doing everything he can now to make it up to you. He would understand why you get upset and not be irritated with you.
His total lack of real remorse speaks volumes about him. Unless you are able to forget and forgive him almost immediately, hes going to make you unbearably miserable. For what its worth, id leave him before he makes you feel any worse than you already do. You deserve to be truly loved and respected by a great guy that feels honoured to be with you. This guy just loves himself and his 'home' comforts.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 January 2011): I forgot my DearCupid account now ughh... :( but I want to post this. Dear, from the bottom of my heart I am truly sorry this has happened to you. Something similar happened to me, but it was only through internet/phone/msn/skpye, and with 2 different girls... I really felt cheated on..he was even planning and reseaching on plane tickets to go see one of them...I had left everything for him, even moved to a diff. country.Let me tell you, that you should really really get rid of him. Not even the sex is good, because when you are with him you will somhow remember this, and I just know you will get curious about stuff they did together..or if he "likes" her better than you.. I felt these insecurities, and a lot of things that just messed up with my self steem.Everytime I would ask him about her, he would get defensive and groan and treat me like I was some psycho person that was over reacting... he would even call me insane about getting upset...Please leave now... its only been a year and he did that to you? twice? please leave...by staying with him you are just letting him think he can get you back no matter what he does...Please stand your ground and leave, let him regret, REALLY regret what he lost.Please travel abroad if you can or get a new hobby or do something to occupy your time and get over him.I really wish you well from the bottom of my heart, and I hope you learn that you are valuable and deserve much more. 3
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A
female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (3 January 2011):
 My honest advice here would be to get rid of him, he doesnt love you, you are just his security blanked while he is out having fun with other woman, if he was really sorry he would earn the trust back, be kind to you, comfort you when you are feeling a little down and constantly reassure you that he is the only one for you but he doesnt do this, i honestly dont think you should put yourself through this, you deserve so much better.
However its you that needs to make the decision not me, i honestly think you should show him the door and move on with your life. However if you dont want to and nobody can force you then you need to be able to forgive him if the relationship is going to work, and believe me it is not something that can be easily forgiven and forgotten but again that is your choice to make. If there is no trust in a relationship then there is no point to the relationship at all. It will never be a happy one. Goodluck.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 January 2011): The problem is, you can't move past it. If it was something he was really sorry about he wouldn't have kept doing it. He knew he was wrong while it was going on, but did it anyway. Is that the type of relationship you really want. The biggest problem is, if you keep forgiving him he has no reason to stop. You know you deserve better and you will never be happy with this. You've only been together for a year and you didn't mention having kids with this man. Get out now while you can.
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A
female
reader, SillyB +, writes (3 January 2011):
 I'm really sorry this happened to you. It most feel absolutely horrible!
However, when I read your letter I could not help but see a woman who is extremely insecure. To the point where you allow yourself to be mistreated and abused. Cheating is a form of abuse - it leaves the person in unimaginable pain. He not only lied multiple times, but is now doing NOTHING to make you feel better or prove himself to you. He has no love and empathy for you. You are treated no better than a doormat.
Now, the question is why are you with this man? What exactly has he done to earn loyalty and love from you?
Sadly, you are setting yourself for a very difficult situation with this guy. By not setting boundaries and demanding respect from a man (walking away when you should) you are only hurting yourself in the long run. He doesn't deserve to be in a relatonship with you. He's a liar, manipulator, cheater and jerk.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (3 January 2011): Sorry, this is hard to hear, but you really need to move out of this. He's abusing you emotionally and love doesn't change what he is.
Can you trust him again?
Probably not.
Everyone's situation is different. Did you make a mistake, yes, but nobody can judge you on that...we all make mistakes for love.
Get some books and read about cheating.
"have been together for a year now"
This is the kicker. You both should be gaga over each other still, this is a "new" relationship. Try that over 20 years and you have a lot of other pressures and issues that arise. He's cheating on you and you are "new" to each other.
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