A
female
age
41-50,
*allyk
writes:My boyfriend and I have just moved in together. We have a very loving relationship, however in may of this year I discovered that he had an affair with someone. This crushed me beyond belief, I know that he regrets doing it...but I am still having a hard time trusting him. I want to be with him more than anything, but I still don't fully trust him. I am a woman with the greatest memory, what happened in the past is difficult to forget. We live together and everything is great, but....we have signed a lease for one year. He keeps saying we will se what happens, I have told him that he needs to have faith in us and our relationship. He agree's but that is just jovial if you don't believe it/ I have tried talking to him about it. But he is out of town on business a lot so anytime I talk to him is not in person. I am afraid that we have hit a wall that we will not be able to climb over. I am seeking some kind of advice here...I have no clue on what I should do. I want to live my life with him...how can I do that?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (22 July 2007): HiI'm sorry, but from what you have written the signs your boyfriend is giving out are very weak. he should be going out of his way to reassure you- but the phrase he keeps repeating is 'we'll see what happens'. That's not really good enough.You say that you know he regrets it. Is that because you found out and that has made life a bit uncomfortable for him? So he's always away on business, so he doesn't have to talk to you or reassure you.My cheating husband slept with more women than I will ever know and kept it secret. Towards the end he got sloppy and I caught him. he, also, works away on business, and was completely beievable until the last year of our marriage.If I was you, and your age, I would hold my head up and get out!If you really want this to work I agree that counselling would be the way forward- but he may well resist it because he would have to talk about what has happened.Good luck.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (21 July 2007): ummm. is he worth it? he cheated so you know he roves around. you're not married, so you can easily extricate yourself. he has a job that allows him to look around easily. don't delude yourself. keep your options open.
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A
female
reader, Country Woman  +, writes (19 July 2007):
 Your mind will always be racing if he is constantly away.
Does he keep in touch whilst he is away on business, or does he leave it to you to contact him?
Once trust is broken it is very hard to regain it again.
The only true way of working it out is by going to counselling together as an affair normally comes about because there are problems in the relationship and that comes from both partners whether it is something you are aware of or not.
An affair is hard to forgive but counselling does help you to see why it happened and the fact that the communication has broken down in a relationship first of all so that is why it happens. Understanding the reasons behind it helps both of you to understand how you can stop it from happening again.
Men at the end of the day are certainly not always going to refuse a pretty woman who offers herself on a plate and if he is away then he may think what the eye doesn't see the heart can't grieve over. He has the ideal opportunity and unless he is prepared to dedicate some time to solving your problems together with some counselling then I don't see how you can rebuild trust into your relationship again.
It is a joint committment to make things better between you again.
Perhaps planning a break together so that you can spend some quality time rediscovering one another may be something to consider.
How long are the gaps while he is away?
Do you keep yourself busy with friends and going out or do you just stop at home thinking about what he may be getting up to constantly?
You need to have a life that does not evolve around him so that he can see that you have a social life and then he may have to think what are you doing when he is away so it is a role reversal and may make him think twice before doing anything like cheating ever again.
I would say counselling first and foremost as just talking amongst yourselves will not solve your problems as you need a third party to help you listen to one another and that is the hardest thing that we forget to do.
We react to situations but don't always listen to what the other person is saying.
Keep strong and keep your options open and don't bank all your hopes on one man, you are a young woman with the world at her feet so be independent and show the world that you can do anything even if it is on your own.
I am just saying don't rely on any one person completely as we have to do a lot for ourselves in this life and if we are not indepependent of someone if we find ourselves on our own it is so much harder to cope. What if you had a child together, you could end up being a single mum so just make yourself strong mentally and perhaps physically so that anything that hits you in this life does not hit you hard.
I am a single mum myself and I lost my dad in February this year and recently my 15 year old dog so my emotions have taken one hell of a battering, my ex also cheated on me and counselling helped me to regain my strength and see things in a positive manner and deal with them with inner strength.
I am not being a scare monger but just want you to help yourself as well.
Wish you well and keep us posted on how things go eh!
BFN
Country Woman
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A
female
reader, macy +, writes (19 July 2007):
I suppose the question is how did you find out he had cheated? If he told you then at least he has been open and showed he wants the relationship to work. But if you found out from other sources and he is working away i dont see how it will work as a distant relationship needs to have 100% trust. I know you may find it hard if the relationship doesnt work but you sound like you have alot of love and positivity to give to someone who will show the same amount to yourself.........you do deserve better. Although i hope you can work something out x
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A
male
reader, Andy00 +, writes (19 July 2007):
 Hi there. Firstly I'm very sorry he cheated on you, because nobody deserves to have that happen to them. It's natural for you to have a hard time trying to trust him again, and I won't lie, it's possible that you wont.
That said, yes, I think he does need to put more faith in your relationship, this, to me, has been made clear as daylight and demonstrates that he doesn't put a lot of faith in the relationship. I really like to think that he does show you this to be false now, more than ever after what he's done.
As for the trips, if they are unavoidable, then I think that it's always going to be in the back of your mind that he may be up to no good, and that isn't fair. So really, I would just see how things go. Time will be the best route to finding whether you will ever be able to forgive him and put the idea of him cheating on you locked away. I say "locked away" instead of forgotten because while that would be nice, I think it would be sensible of you not to forget what he did, just incase you ever have doubts again.
I hope I'm not putting too much doubt in your head, so let me close by saying, that it can be done. I've seen it happen first hand with my parents, and they got passed it, and are now together still, and happy. If he is who you want, then I hope you can experience the same thing
I hope that was of use to you!
-Andy
xxxx
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A
female
reader, mary-lee  +, writes (19 July 2007):
 you have to make the decision if you really do want to continue your relationship with him. if you choose yes, than you need to trust him and forget the past, otherwise it wont work. you should'nt choose yes if you dont think you can ever trust him again. from personal experience, i believe once a cheater, always a cheater. he is out of town alot, can u trust it's the first and only time he has cheated on you? if you cant, maybe it's better if you end it now. Good Luck!
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