| A
female
,
anonymous
writes: I have a problem that I do not know how to solve. I have been dating an older (I am 26 he is 43) and divorced guy (no children) for almost a year and about two months ago I found out that he cheated on me (I spied on him in front of his appartment because I had my suspissions). He didn't know that I know about the incident and the next day when he called me he pretended like nothing ever happened and he heard in my voice that something is not right. I didn't know how to tell him that I know about everything without giving myslef away on spying on him. I started telling him that I have a feeling something is off and that I want him to be honest with me about everything as we promised each other in the beginning and he said he will call me later and hung up. He called me later and broke up with me because he said this relationship is too much for him, I am too good of a person to be wasting my time with him. He told me to drop off his keys and take anything that is mine from his apartment. At that point I was totally crushed! Even though I knew he cheated on me I still loved him like crazy! He called me later that day to see how I was doing and we started talking. He invited me over for a conversation and I went. I arrived at his place looking my very best and I was mean like never. He never admitted to cheating on me even though I asked him if he has something to tell me. All he said was that we got together even before his divorce was final and that he just feels the need to know that if an opportunity arises for him to go out or sleep with someone else I won't mind and I will understand him. I told him that he is crazy and that this will never happen. He said he loves me too much and he doesn't want to lose me so after talking to him about this subject for a very very long time I agreed but only on my terms. My terms were that I will know about every incident; it could not happen often (once a month max); i get the best treatment from him meaning flowers after each time he screws up diners and all that good stuff; he always uses protection no matter what and I can do exactly the same thing. To my surprise he agreed to everything but to the last part. He simply said "what's mine is mine". That was our contract and we agreed to keep it or everything is off. I thought that if I give him this much he will not feel the need to do it anymore because it will not be as exciting as before because it wouldn't be real cheating anymore because I would know about it. Well about a month has passed and he has been good, I know because I have been checking on him, so I was happy that my theory was working but this weekend he cheated on me again, and no he did not tell me about it. I didn't see him this weekend because I was sick and I spent the entire weekend in bed and he called me every day couple of times a day to check on me so I didn't suspect that anything could be wrong. Yesterday I swang by his place to pick up a movie that needed to be returned to the video store and to my surprise I see my picture is not in its place and a bottle of my wine was opened (and he doesn't drink wine) so immediately after seeing this I checked his viagra bottle and as I suspected there was a pill missing so I know for the fact that he cheated on me but I do not know how to tell him about it without again giving myslef away for going through his stuff. I am furious because he had no reason to hide this from me because he knows the terms of our "contract". I asked him what he did over the weekend he simply said that he watched some TV and went to bed because he was working throughout the weekend. I hate this situation because I know what he did and it kills me that he didn't have guts to tell me about it as per our "contract" terms. I just don't know how to deal with this problem and how to talk to him about it. I had no reason to be suspisious because he was honest with me after the last incident and our "contract" so why lie to me now? He knew I could deal with this situation because he told me about a b.j. he got from a stripper since the begining of our "new and improved" relationship as he calls it. Please help me deal with this issue because I am clueless. I know he is going through his mid-life crisis and I want to stick with him through this rough time and support him and help him as much as I can that's why I agreed to all this in the first place, I am still hoping that it is just a phase and he will realize that what we have between us is really special and will finally commit to me. I know that my biggest mistake is loving him too much and agreeing to this entire mess in the first place but I can not imagine my life without him. How do I approach this?
View related questions:
broke up, cheated on me, crush, divorce, flowers, stripper, viagra Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, Jadzia1127  +, writes (20 September 2006):
 He is playing a classic control tactics on you with breaking up with you then letting you come back to him on his terms.
As much as you don't want to hear this, he is playing a cruel game with you and your self-esteem will be damaged if you stay with him and allow this to continue.
The only way to stop the game is if you confront him with everything you know, lay your cards on the table, and then break it off with him. Walk away without looking back. Then if he comes to you then you set the terms of his place in your life.
There is a chance he won't come after you, but that will hurt a lot less then, when your have lost self-esteem completely and he dumps you.
|
