A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Hey everyone,I just spent the last few months getting my 25 year-old live-in boyfriend of nine years to confess that he cheated sometime last year. We'd had a great relationship other than this. I knew that he'd attempted to cheat at least twice before that (he says unsuccessfully) and once unsuccessfully after that incident, at minimum. When I asked why he went back to cheat again after he'd cheated, he said it was because he was angry at me. He says he cheated because I wasn't fulfilling his desires. I told him it's not my fault he cheated. I also told him he should have broken up with me if I wasn't meeting his needs. It sounds like there's no "one person" in this situation. He was looking for strangers to do sexual favours for him (and yes, I am going to get myself checked out). I don't think that intercourse is involved.I made out with someone while drunk seven years ago and confessed immediately. We recovered from that event within a few months.Now I'm going to move in with an aunt in another city until I can get my head wrapped around this situation. I'm so hurt. I can see very obvious mental health issues at play under the surface. I think he needs to do a few things before I even consider continuing this relationship:- Seek therapy and counselling for his underlying issues and inability to see how his actions have hurt me (he still blames me for his actions)- Look to make some friends and acquaintances outside of work. He doesn't have many friends as it is. When we moved to this new city, I soon started looking for opportunities to meet women and found many. I go out a few times a month to social clubs about the things I like.- Find a hobby and getting out of the house more. He likes to sit in front of his computer as much as he can. He doesn't have things that connect him to people from the world outside, other than YouTube, and that's a very solitary activity.I'm torn. Do I give up after I move out? Do I give him a chance after he's dealt with his mental health and personal issues? I am a very redeeming person. I have a hard time holding grudges and being angry at someone for long periods of time. He's devastated that I'm leaving. I'm not sure why he's surprised.
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reader, anonymous, writes (24 September 2015): This is verified as being by the original poster of the question@YouWish
Thank you for the constructive criticism. I am working through issues by myself while away.
I do not think a month will be sufficient in changing who he is. Perhaps he does not want to change. You are right: I am not his therapist, or his mother. I shouldn't have stayed after I found the first condom, and I shouldn't have stayed when I found the last piece. I know he wanted us to forget about the incidents so he could have me and have whatever he wanted as well. I enabled him to continue making those choices as long as I stayed.
I currently go back and forth between staying and going. I change my mind on the hour, every hour it feels. I hope some time away from him will make the right choice clear as day. I want to be able to look at all the mistakes we made and the lies he told in order to keep me grounded with him.
I will emerge with a strong head on my shoulders. It will be okay.
A
female
reader, YouWish  +, writes (24 September 2015):
 You seriously need to get away from this guy. He is extremely toxic, and is already starting to drag you down into the muck.
He's a serial cheater, meaning what happened between you isn't some blackout drunk mistake he did and then ran to you consumed by remorse. He's a SERIAL cheater who not only cheated more than once and deliberately, but he used it as a weapon against you, which he WILL do again. The fact that he still blames you for his actions means that you need to be as far away from him as possible.
DO NOT continue the relationship. Do you think it's as easy as him changing things in his life to suit you? Why does HE need more friends? Sounds like he's made a few TOO MANY to be honest. You're not his therapist. Don't go back to him. Don't care about his friend levels.
Right now, you going back to him in any capacity EVER would be like throwing up in a bucket and then drinking the puke again. It's masochistic. He will not stop. And the mental issues aren't just on his end. I see codependent tendencies in you as well. Don't fall for the lie that you can exert more control over his life when he comes back to you or you "take him back". The pattern will repeat over and over again, and you like the attention you get when he's all wanting to get you back. That's really unhealthy!
Get away from him. Get away fast and permanent. Get away forever, and if you're saying in the followup that you found someone else toxic on a break from him, then you may need to talk to someone as well to help out.
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reader, anonymous, writes (24 September 2015): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHoneypie, you're right. Thank you for the response. It is exactly what I needed to hear. Perhaps it is a little too demanding to ask an introvert to make friends. At the very least, I believe he needs some sort support network to help him make better choices in all areas of life. I'm not expecting him to have a giant cluster of friends in the next month though. I say next month for now because that is how long my new parking pass is good for. I should mention that we did break up once, and we both seemed to meet very unsuitable matches. The breakup lasted less than three months. But yes, we have been together since we were teens. I had dated before and he had not. I have given him the freedom to explore his needs by leaving. I don't think a month will help, but I think it will help me get my mind clearer. At the very least, our relationship, his choices, my choice to stay were all unhealthy because they did not repair old wounds that had been festering. I can hardly believe I am packing a suitcase to go. Tonight is my last night in this house with him for now.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (23 September 2015):
 I think you have your head on straight. I think it's good that you are not taken responsibility for HIS action - because you ARE right, HE chose to cheat - you didn't MAKE him cheat. Accusing you... is just easier for him, than facing the reality that is, he is being selfish and callous.
Don't decide this minute whether you will EVENTUALLY take him back or not. Get yourself some distance, mull it over, and I'd say, go no contact while you do this.
You two have been together since you were 16? 9 year from age 16-25 is honestly impressive in my book. It could also be that YOU have outgrown him. I mean, you know what he did was wrong, you know it wasn't YOUR fault which means you understand and adhere to a moral code, not only that but you took responsibility for YOUR actions when you kissed someone 7 years ago. You fessed up right away. And I will presume learned from it, and never repeated that offense.
He on the other hand might be at a stage where he feels like he is missing out, because he has been in a relationship for 9 years with only 1 girl. He isn't taking responsibility because he doesn't want to. Which makes him a bit immature compared to you.
Having some mental health issues (not sure which) doesn't really excuse his cheating. Like you told him, HE could have talked to you or ended his relationship with you if he wasn't fulfilled. There really is no GOOD excuse why people cheat. And it doesn't JUST happen.
So give yourself some time.
As for the things on your "demands list"
I think you are expecting him to change a lot about him, which I'm not sure is realistic. HE is who he is. YOU might be more extrovert than him, more social - so "demanding" that he go out and make friend and this and that... might not be realistic. However, counseling might. But not if it's something HE doesn't want to do. And I think if he thinks he did nothing wrong here, how is counseling going to help?
Good luck and chin up.
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