A
male
age
30-35,
*nelostsoul92
writes:My fiancé is planning on leaving for a 3-month internship next summer. We are both almost 25 years old, I am a real-estate developer and she is working towards her PhD in computer science. We have been living together now for several months, and we practically never go more than a day without seeing each other.Out of the blue today, she mentioned that she plans on applying for a PhD program in Northern California (we live in Los Angeles so it’s about a 7-hour drive in distance). Supposedly, this program is exceptionally excellent, and it would be one of those ‘once-in-a-lifetime’ opportunities, so to speak.So, here lies my issue with this situation: 1) It seemed like she wasn’t even asking for my opinion in the matter, and that she would be willing to go even if I were against it (which I wasn’t).2) We have discussed the idea of long-distance relationships in the past, and we both agreed that they simply don’t work and that we would never do it.As we are practically married now and everything is a 50/50 split, shouldn’t I have some say in whether or not she leaves or stays? Is it wrong if I don’t want her to go? Do I have a right to feel this way or am I overreacting? While I know that this is not necessarily about me, more so fact that she can better her career, I’m somehow irritated and very indifferent.If we were both desperate, struggling to make ends meet and if she were extremely passionate about her field, I could understand why this would be such an amazing opportunity for her. But in this given situation, it just seems so darn illogical for her to jeopardize our relationship and induce so much stress upon it, all for what?I absolutely cannot do a 3-month long distance relationship, yet I don’t want to force her to stay here if she really wants to go. How do I convey these thoughts to her without causing an all-out argument and appearing selfish or insecure? Any advice other than “deal with it and be patient” would be much appreciated.
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female
reader, WhenCowsAttack +, writes (23 September 2015):
Three months is nothing! If your relationship isn't strong enough to handle being apart for what is literally a TINY blip in your lives then perhaps you should rethink it. If it's a dealbreaker for you then so be it.
A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (23 September 2015):
 I could see why you'd be startled that it came up from out of the blue. I also get the concern about LDRs.. The thing you should know about my point of view on this is that they can work, mine worked so well we are now married 20+ years. We started LDR then closed the distance. In fact, my hubby did a post grad stint one summer a few years back, and we were a 7 hour flight apart, not just a 7 hour drive.
If she were in the military, or in a career that involved international travel, there would be separations all the time. Yes I know she's a student getting a PhD. I think perhaps examine a bit more why you feel so strongly against a 3 months LDR.
And I noted that in this question you asked just a month ago, http://www.dearcupid.org/question/should-i-trust-my-g-f-and-continue.html, there are obviously trust issues at play here.
You said in that question that you are prideful and paranoid. In that question, you caught her texting other men and then lying about the reason. You wondered if you should end the relationship, which moved rather swiftly with you 2 moving in together after only 6 months of dating. The followup you provided showed that she's given you her email and phone messaging apps passwords, so she appears to be trying to rebuild trust.
The internship is about 8 months from starting up, she hasn't yet applied, so it is in no way a done deal. I think if she were trying to get away from you, she'd be doing that now, in a more expeditious manner.
Where did the paranoia originate? Is this something that's been happening in all your relationships, or just this one?
Are you the one driving this relationship, the one who makes most of the decisions? Perhaps she just needs to be able to make some decisions for herself, you aren't yet married, and you did have that breach of trust. It could be a test to see how well you are handling your paranoia.
Well, it's a tough situation to be in, I guess though you do have some months of talking and discussions to work it out ahead of you. Perhaps a professional couples therapist could help you two figure out some of the relationship dynamics in an objective and supportive way?
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (23 September 2015):
 It's not wrong if you don't want her to go.
IT IS WRONG if you tell her not to.
IF it's ONLY 3 months an it's something that will advance her career and it's something she really wants and it's something that is worthwhile (this sounds like it is) I would encourage her to go.
When you say "I absolutely cannot do a 3 months long LDR"
what do you mean.
3 months... 12 weeks... it is NOTHING.
what can't you do for three months stay celibate?
cook your own meals?
clean your own home?
get up on time?
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