A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:My husband had a four year affair early in our marriage. By the time I had enough confidence in myself to leave him I found out I was pregnant. 15 years later, I no longer want to stay married. His family stated that I don't have the right to leave since I now have kids. They have no idea about the lengthy relationship he had or how he behaved afterwards. He's a nice guy and everyone thinks he's Captain America. It is hard for me, everyone thinks I am being selfish and the bad guy! I am so unhappy and we live together in seperate parts of the house. Help!
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (31 January 2011): Your husband had an affair but did you forgive him?..If you did, I'm pretty sure in legal terms you divorcing a man for sins he committed 15 years ago is not viable...Your staying means some kind of forgiveness ?reconciliation? in legal terms...However that said, from a womans' point of view I totally understand that this affair changed your relationship, and you may have felt obligated to stay because you were pregnant...I'm guessing you went on to have more kids...WHY?...I think there is more to this than you are admitting to yourself or to us here...At the time of discovery of his affair did you and your husband seek help? ...you should have done....I suggest you seek help in finding the reasons for wanting to end your marriage..It may be possible for you to let go of old resentments...do not be in haste to run out the door...You'll probably regret it....It seems that you are using his affair of the past and holding it against him...While you may have become resentful because of it(which is totally understandable)..but stayng for 15 years having more kids then this?....Is he still cheating or is he a truly changed man...If you knew you could not forgive the affair..Why did you stay? Is this now YOUR REVENGE?....Resentment / anger/ hatred can sometimes destroy us more than the people they are directed at....I suggest you speak to someone first before you act, seek coumselling and couple therapy with your husband...discuss your feeling with him in a mature way too....I wish you the best and hope you overcome your problems...Take care
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (31 January 2011): Divorce will not mess the kids up anymore than living in a household where the relationship between the parents is toxic. in your case, divorce is going to be healthier for you than staying on, because you've already stayed on - for 15 years - and look where it's got you. Did staying on for 15 years "solve" anything? looks like it didn't it just made things worse.So where else is there to go. your kids will be fine as long as you handle yourself well during the divorce proceedings and help them with the transition. There are books and articles on how to help your kids handle the transition of divorce. educate yourself so you can make things as smooth for them as possible.it's not the end of the world by any means. Don't let your in laws fill you with dread of horror stories about divorce.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (30 January 2011): thank you for the input. i just dont want to mess the kids up. no matter what they are my main priority. it help to hear from other people,makes me feel so not alone. i confided in a friend of mine and she was totally shocked over his behavior because you would never believe he is capable of such betrayl.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (30 January 2011): tell his family about his affair. you did more than enough. Your husband cheated on you for four years. You sacrificed your personal happiness for 15 years. And now when you just state honestly that you no longer can be married to him, his family thinks he's so great and you have no right to leave? well then explain to them that he broke the marriage vows and not just once but for four years - since apparently they feel they have the right to intervene in your marriage they should hear the truth about him. this is what I can't stand when family and in-laws feel they have the right to tell you that you should or should not divorce, as if you owe them an explanation as to why you want to divorce and it's up to them to judge if your reasons are valid or not.
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A
female
reader, FloridaCatGirl +, writes (30 January 2011):
 Perhaps if his friends and family knew he'd carried on a four year affair during your marriage, they would think differently! It's time for you to pack your bags and say goodbye to Captain America. Do not let his family talk you into staying. They are not the one's who had to put up with your husband's philandering ways. Go find yourself a good divorce lawyer and begin planning your new life. You deserve the to opportunity to find a man who actually deserves your love!
Please keep us updated. Good luck!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (30 January 2011): That's just his side of the family, do you get support from your own family? You have the right to do whatever you want.. you want to end the marriage? End it. Don't go on living in unhappiness, don't listen to what his side of the family has to say, you do what you feel you want to do. Obviously, he has certain rights as well, like seeing the kids and what not, but thats fine, no? Seriously, if you're that unhappy, end the marriage.
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