A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I happened to look at my bf's laptop yesterday and saw a chat with some girl (he saisd she was some random girl who added him to her contact list), HE initiated the chat, asked her if she had a webcam, she said she was sorry she didn't. Then they exchanged pictures and he told her she was cute(even though she wasn't) and then said "So hon, what's new...I mean, what else.." and the conversation continued for a lil bit after that..I couldn't believe it at first. I thought one of his friends may have been talking through his account. But then asked him who this girl was and he said oh just some girl..And then I showed him the chat and he had nothing to say at the time. This might not have been such a big deal for me, had I not already had trust issues. My last boyfriend cheated on me, not just once and everytime I tried to leave him he begged and pleaded and promised and swore he would change and all that...So, basically that has left me with a lot of trust issues. My bf knows all this. And last January, I found him talking to a girl whom he had told he didn't have a gf and then told me he wasn't talking to her anymore, but still was. When I found out the truth, he said the same thing he's saying now: I don't know her, I dind't have anything to do with her and things like that. But he admits taht he knew I would not like it and would flip out over it. And yet he did it. I told him it was over, but he cried, apologised and begged for me to not break up or even take a break. It would have been a lot easier to do it if we weren't living together too..I'm finding it very difficult to get over the whole thing...Can anyone help?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 March 2007): Thank you very much for your advice. Msn is not a chat site. It's an instant messenger service that I use to keep in touch with friends whom I don't want to have to call for trivial things. I talk very little even on that. He doesn't use chat sites too much too, which is why it was shocking. It's not like I wouldn't have the opportunity if I wanted it, but I don't ever talk on the net to someone I don't personally know closely. I realize these justifcations are hardly needed here, but I really did want to clarify this because I have read your advice to many people on here and hold it in high regard. You're one of my favourite agony aunts. Anyway, I suppose I digressed there. But, thanks for helping.
A
female
reader, AskEve  +, writes (15 March 2007):
 The problem is simple! BOTH OF YOU GET OFF THESE CHAT SITES! Why are you both chatting to other people online when you could be spending time together? The computer is robbing you both of spending quality time together. Both of you have been talking to members of the opposite sex and the other hasn't liked it and god knows how easy it is on these chat sites. The best way to deal with this is to come off them, period! If BOTH of you make that sacrifice then you're home safe and dry!
Use the computer for finding out information and gaining more knowledge NOT dwindling away precious time that you could be spending together.
Eve
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 March 2007): Hello..OP again..Thanks so very much for your advice. I will try talking to him about it some more and try to make him feel as reassured as possible. You have also made me feel better about the whole thing by telling me that you wouldn't worry about it. Thanks for that. It really does help. If things don't improve though, I will bring up going to a counselor. But I don't think it will come to that. :)Thank you for your help..
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A
female
reader, chachacha +, writes (14 March 2007):
It's good that your bf talked to you about what was bothering him - that is really good.
He says he wants reassurance from you and you say you have given it, but he still doesn't feel reassured does he?
He is responding to that by giving you a taste of your own medicine - as he sees it.
Again, I still wouldn't worry about what he has done - he is doing it because of his feelings about the relationship.
Instead, you still need to talk to him to find out why he doesn't feel reassured. Remember that it is not necessarily for you to reassure him, but for HIM to FEEL reassured - it may be that he has some trust issues of his own, which have nothing to do with you, that he needs some help with.
Try to think of this as a problem that HE HAS that YOU want to HELP HIM with.
Again, ask a counseller to help if its too difficult.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 March 2007): Hi..this is the OP
Thank you very much for responding..I tried talking to him and he said he was feeling insecure because I get along very well with a friend of his who is kinda like a common friend. This guy and I never meet up by ourselves, we talk on msn sometimes when need be and even that's not hidden, and he's funny in a silly kinda way and I laugh at his jokes! I said I'd reduce how much I talk to this guy and he siad that's not what he wnats, he wanted me to realize by myself what was bothering him and reassure him, which, btw, I had already done several times and it did nothign for him.
How am I supposed to trust that this won't happen again? I have heard it all before, the apologies, the begging and pleading, the promises. It's never true, is it?
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A
female
reader, chachacha +, writes (14 March 2007):
I think if he is chatting up girls online, he has some kind of problem with your relationship, and you need to find out what that is if the relationship is to survive.
Can you drop your upset about what he has done for a while (which is after all a symptom of something else), and instead see if you can get him to talk about the relationship? If he finds that difficult, will he go with you to counselling?
If he won't talk at all about what's not working for him, then you might be in that awful situation where he doesn't want to work on the relationship. That can only end in one place. So hopefully he will try to talk to you.
In order to encourage him, you'll need to really listen - i.e. do not respond, do not argue back - instead, ask him how he's feeling and if he says, for example, something like "he feels controlled" don't say "I don't control you", say "what is making you feel controlled". and so on.
But he might not be very expert at understanding or explaining his feelings and you might not be very expert at listening, so a counsellor is probably best.
Good luck
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