A
female
age
,
anonymous
writes:i need to get your opinion on how to sucessfully date an older man that is dysfunctional and his two children (married) are very dysfunctional. i have been dating him for almost four years and he still will not take up for me with his kids. they had told him that they do not want anything to do with me so therefore i am never allowed to go out to eat with them nor am i allowed to participate in any family activities with them. my family always includes him and he is invitied to every thing they do. they consider us a couple and his family just the opposite.he told me everal months ago that we would get engaged within 6 months and be married shortly thereafter. he even went so far as to say that the engagement would be at the beginning of the six months.one night he changed his story......he said "if" we get engaged this is how it will be. the reason why i think that he does not propose is that his inmature never grown up kids have said that this is a no, no, with them. i have told him that he has a right to his own life and that they have their own life. however, they both have rotten marriages and they always try to get from my boyfriend, emotional support that they should be getting from their husbands. he used to go to his daughters house 6 nights a week to be with her and to eat dinner with her. in the past several months he has cut this down to about 2 nights per week. and of course she does not like this. he tells me that his family has always been so, so, so, close. this is find but i think that there is a balance in this kind of thing and i think that this family has no balance. they claim that they don't like me......... they don't because i take up their fathers time and he is not with them 24/7. they all have very low self esteem and he always has to give them pep talks and tell them that everything is going to be o. k. when he goes out to eat with him, i am told that i cannot go. this makes me feel dumped on and very unworthy. i have very high self esteem and truthly these people are somewhat white trash and they really don't worry me that much but it is just the principle of it. they control me by saying that she is not allowed to participate. i feel that my boyfriend who claims that he loves me should tell them that they have to straighten up and get past me or they might not like the consequences. howevery he cannot bring hisself to do this. please tell me what you guys think and how i should handle it when he leaves to go with them out to eat or up to their house. should i just go out to eat by myself, should i be very happy about it or should i just not be near him when he leaves? please tell me what you think because i am stressing out over this. i don't believe that he loves me because he should at this point in time be pretty fed up with them acting so inmature and like toddlers. thanks
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female
reader, superrrshawna +, writes (12 August 2008):
 your boyfriend is definitely not treating you fairly! it doesn't seem like he is putting you on the same importance level as his kids, and if you two are going to get married, he needs to! you can't do much about the kids, either they like you or they don't... they are obviously jealous of whatever little attention he gives you in his free time.
the only remedy i can see to this is family time. honestly. no one will enjoy it at first but i'm hoping that after the first couple tries everyone will find something to respect and admire about each other. that way you will have time with your guy and he will have time with his kids all in one.
if your boyfriend does not find some way to balance the kids and you, and if they do not find a way to compromise sharing their father, i would seriously question your commitment to this relationship. because if you are this unhappy right now, what will happen later on?
have you had this talk with him? if you have and things haven't changed it is really up to you.
if he is going out, i say go out too with friends or relatives? don't stay alone! it only makes things worse.
good luck!
A
female
reader, TELLULAH  +, writes (12 August 2008):
 Honey I really feel for you, as I am in a very simular situation. Although my partners family (parents, brothers and sisters) are very nice to me. His son will not except me. He has a daughter and she is not to bad towards me, but is only polite not exactlly how I would like her to be.
I'm afraid you cannot change this, only your partner can. If he is to cowardlly to tell them that they have to except you, they never will.
When my partner has to go do stuff with his kids (they are grown up by the way) I go out with my own, or with my friends. I make the most of the time he is away, even though its hard and I would love to be invited along.
I have just put it in my mind that its there loss. And I see him much more than they do, so I try not to upset myself.
Men eh!!
If my children had given me an ultimatume as to whether or not I could see my partner, I would tell them where to go.
Luckily mine are normal and balanced and wouldnt want to hurt me in that way.
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