A
female
age
36-40,
*loverflower
writes:My boyfriend and I have been together for little over two months now. We have a wonderful relationship overall, but have been facing some issues when it comes to sex. He seems to love (almost prefer) oral sex and we do that the majority of the time. The times we have tried to have sex, he is unable to "perform". Initially, he blamed it on the fact that he hates condoms, but even when we tried spermicide (I could go on birth control, but for personal reasons I'd prefer not to ... still, I think the outcome would be the same) he is still unable to perform. Last night, for example, he was completely in the "mood", but as soon as he learned I was "protected", he completely lost it, because he knew I would want to have sex. We have only had sex (intercourse) one time successfully. It has been increasingly frustrating for me, since I greatly prefer intercourse to oral sex. He always feels badly when this happens, and I am not upset with him because I know it's embarrassing for him and not his fault, but I am concerned as to what this may do to our relationship long-term if we don't figure this out.I also think it's important to note that prior to his relationship with me, he was in a relationship with another girl for almost 5 years. I know that his problem is purely psychological and not anatomically based, but he can't seem to figure out where it may be coming from. Nerves? Performance anxiety? Feeling strange about being that intimate with another girl after being with the same girl for almost 5 years? (although they broke up approximately 7 months before we'd even met, so I would think this wouldn't be it). Anyway, any advice/thoughts would be greatly appreciated!!!
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female
reader, imnevergoodenough +, writes (22 August 2009):
I am just seeing your story and wondering what happened when you sat down to talk. The only advice I can give is do not let this continue! I have been in a relationship for almost 10 years and never once had sex! In the beginning there were always excuses, not settled in career don't want to risk pregnancy, etc. Not one single time has he preformed on me but he gets plenty of satisfaction. I tried talking to him about it at first and would just end up crying all night. I spent so much money on sexy things to wear, toys, makeup, and just every trick in the book. I always thought with time it would happen. Eventually I gave up. What's the point in trying so hard when you'll never be good enough?!?! I am deeply in love with this man and for many years I just tried to not think about it and got used to the situation. I don't want this relationship to end, but recently every day I feel worse and worse about myself. Why am I not good enough to have sex with? Today I am 10 yrs older and 25lbs heavier so no one will ever want to have sex with me ever again. How can I give everything to the love of my life, cooking, cleaning, working(for years the only one working) and paying the bills, supporting him when his father(and best friend) passed away and being the only one there for him because the rest of his family is messed up, but yet still I am not good enough. Please address this now in your life because after 10 years I think it's impossible to change and your self esteem will be crushed no matter how strong you've always been. Hope my story helps you and hope that you have had wonderful sex since you were here last.
A
female
reader, cloverflower +, writes (27 January 2009):
cloverflower is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks to EVERYONE for their responses ... each one provided significant insight and information for me! And all of your advice has lead me to a few conclusions ... 1, I am going to insist on working towards a more mutually beneficial physical relationship and not be so quick to give in to his instigations for oral sex. and 2, I am absolutely going to talk to him. I am 100% for open communication, and while we have touched upon this in the past, we haven't REALLY talked about it (sat down and had a serious conversation). I have been hesitant to talk in order to spare him the embarrassment, but it needs to really be out in the open so it doesn't become more of a problem that it already is. I'll provide an update once I've talked to him and we've (hopefully) worked through some of this.THANKS AGAIN !!!
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A
male
reader, DoubleM +, writes (27 January 2009):
 Oral sex (fellatio, in this case) provides the man stimulation that far exceeds that of copulation in most cases. The activity of the lips, tongue, hands and walls of the mouth, skillfully applied, greatly excites the nerve endings in the glans (head), as well as seducing him mentally, all of which provokes him to ejaculate.
It can certainly become addictive, but he is (or should feel) obligated to retroactively satisfy his woman. It is easy for a man to succumb to the pleasure without doing his part in the relationship. Anything else is selfish, in my opinion. It would seem doubtful that there is any medical or psychological reason for your predicament. I think that he is likely just hooked on your oral charms as long as you are willing to provide. Just insist on proper recompense.
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A
male
reader, Leo Gallagher +, writes (27 January 2009):
Hi, thanks for sharing.As with many other relationship issues, I think the key to your solution is COMMUNICATION. There is absolutely no way to tell what's on his mind if you don't ask him. There could be a million different reasons a guy is unable to perform. It could be psychological as you mentioned, but it may not be.Maybe having sex reminds him of his ex. Maybe it's the smell of your armpits. Or maybe the bed squeaks too loudly which hurts his ears. There really is no way of knowing unless you talk to him.Make sure you talk to him with sensitivity and understanding. It sounds like you will be good at communicating with him. I wish you guys the best.
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