A
female
age
30-35,
*en1689
writes:I don't know whether I'm looking for advice or just looking for a way to vent. This must be the fourth time I've written on here about the same subject, but it's wearing me thinner and thinner and I'm at my wit's end.My boyfriend and I have been together now for over a year and a half. I love him deeply, and he feels the same. I lost my virginity to him not even a month after getting together with him. We have been living together now for almost a year, and next weekend we are moving to Florida together to start a new life. We both have the same goals and expectations of ourselves and each other. We are both very motivated and responsible and hope to build a great life for ourselves.This weekend (just before we move), his sister is getting married. Obviously, this is going to bring up a lot of thoughts concerning where we are headed. We have talked over and over about marriage and kids. He has taken me to look at rings and has talked to me about proposing at some point. His family constantly dotes on me and talk to us about being the next to get married. I couldn't imagine anything more wonderful.However, my demons are out to destroy this bliss... I've struggled with low self-esteem my entire life. Bulimia took over my life for about five years. Day-in and day-out I lost myself in this horrendous cycle of binging and purging. My entire day would be built around one binge cycle. It threw me into a depression and caused me pain every single day. It was only once I began living with my current boyfriend that I was able to leave it behind.When my boyfriend and I began dating, I heard over and over about his ex. I heard nothing good, however. All of his friends and his family said all the same things. But her name and idea would come up at the most random of times, and I would oftentimes be compared to her. He would say things like, "You are so sweet, SHE would never do things like this for me." Or, "I can't believe you didn't get mad about that, SHE would have thrown such a fit." We would be watching a movie with a scene where a couple would be fighting, and he would say, "I've definitely dealt with that." Random stories would be told about how she cheated on him or how she would ruin special occasions because she was so dramatic and immature. We once got into a fight and then made love and he said, "That's the first time I've had make-up sex. Every time I would fight with HER I would never want to be around her." Granted, all of these little details were negative, but I still just couldn't understand why her name was brought up so much.I eventually told him how much it bothered me that she was brought up, and he said he would stop. However, when we went to Warped Tour back right before he moved in with me, we both got a little intoxicated. We were walking around talking about a girl that his ex had made out with when they were together. He was talking a lot of crap about her and wouldn't let up. I told him that he needed to let it go and forgive her. All he did was yell at me, "I don't have to forgive her! She made out with MY girlfriend!" I froze, and just stared at him. Then I went to the restroom and threw up all the alcohol I had just consumed. It's been a year since that incident, and I still haven't let it go.After that, I held on to the insecurity and let it affect me constantly. We got into a couple fights about it, and he finally told me that it had to stop, or it would ruin us. I let it go. But then in January of this year, on our one-year anniversary, we got into a fight. We were admitting to one another that we had been taking each other for granted, and that there were certain things that we had been doing that were getting under each others' skin. He mentioned something very specific that I did, and that he couldn't stand it. He said, "There's something very HER about the way you do that...". I was shocked, and unbelievably hurt. He's apologized for it over and over, but I still can't let it go, and I still think about it often.The thing that always bothered me was the fact that this girl is the exact opposite of the type of girl I am. Her and my boyfriend dated on-and-off for two years. He was a senior and she was a freshman when they met. She was heavy into drugs and drinking and claims that she "lost her virginity" to him, which I doubt. She manipulated him, belittled him, lied to him constantly, and made him give up the things that he loved: soccer, music, friends. She would pretend to get clean off of drugs and drinking, and then turn around and go behind his back to do them. They broke up constantly, and the longest they were ever together was probably two or three months. Every time he would try to end it for good, she would threaten suicide.Towards the final end of the relationship, she slit her wrist open with a knife. He found her and got her help, but finally ended things for good. Not even two weeks after that, she began sleeping with another guy. Within three months, she was pregnant. Her baby's daddy has broken up with her twice. Once at Christmas of last year (when she contacted my boyfriend via MySpace to say "I hate you.") and once this year, right after their two-year anniversary.I've asked him over and over, "Why did you keep going back to her when you know that she was no good for you?" He's given me a plethora of reasons. He's said that: 1) It was all he knew: his parents fought all the time and it was the familiarity that he clung to; 2) He was insecure: she belittled him constantly and made him think that she was the best he was going to get; 3) He was afraid: every time he tried to leave her she threatened self-harm and suicide, and he didn't want the blood of another on his conscience; 4) She was easy: He knew that no matter when it was or what had happened, she would drop everything and go back to him if he asked. She was also consensual to sex, and needless to say, that was what he wanted. But I don't know what it was that I wanted to hear. Nothing has helped...Right now, I'm possessed. I'm a hollow shell of the person I once used to be. I know everything about this girl. What was once my fixation on food and binging, is now my obsession with this girl. I look at her Facebook every single day to see what she's doing and hope she's suffering. I've Googled her name and found nearly everything you can find about her online. I know her address, her e-mail, her phone number. I know the exact dates that her and my boyfriend broke up, and the exact date that her and her ex got together. I know her birthday and when she gave birth. The worst part: I'm now staying on the island that she lives. I can't go anywhere around here without scanning every single face wondering if it's her. I'm terrified of running into her, but at the same time, I'm longing to see her in person. My mind is hypnotized, and it's killing me.I've told my boyfriend about how it's hurting me, and it hurts him too. He's told me that she's absolutely nothing to him, and that she was such an insignificant part of his past that he doesn't even think about it anymore. He can't understand why it stays with me, and I think that's what hurts him the most. He's told me again that he doesn't want to be with me if this continues. I don't blame him. I've been to counseling and it's helped somewhat, but it hasn't gotten me anywhere. I've tried to talk to every single person I know who I think might help, but no one knows how. My boyfriend has changed my Facebook password so that I can no longer access her profile, but it doesn't stop me from thinking about her. I've made an entire binder of her photos, so that somehow I can have a tangible existence of this visage.I'm attractive. So is she. We look somewhat alike. Dark hair, blue eyes, similar smiles. It's almost nauseating. I hate the thought of him being with her. I hate the fact that he kept going back to her even though she constantly did him wrong. And I hate the fact that he brought his past into our present. I'm so lost, and I don't know which way to go...
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male
reader, dirtball +, writes (29 August 2010):
 I was having trouble following how often he still brings her up. To me it sounded like she came up fairly often until you explained how much it hurt you, then he mostly stopped with the exception of a few slips. Your obsession seems to have continued to grow, and you are correct that this has become very unhealthy.
What he was doing was wrong. Being compared to an ex can scar us deeply. I know what he's been through. I had a GF who used to either threaten suicide with a knife literally on her wrist or say she was pregnant ever time she thought I might leave her. When you want to help people and have a love for someone, even if that person is bad for you, you still don't want to see them hurt. Someone like this will sometimes flash into your mind, and you'll be sitting there thanking God that you aren't still with them. It still happens to me, 13 years after the relationship ended. Memories are impossible to get rid of, some will haunt you, but it lessens with time.
If he is still purposefully using their relationship to hurt you, you need to get out.
Now we need to get onto you. What you've said here and in the other link you provided me has led me to the conclusion that you might need to leave this relationship because you can't handle his past. No matter how you love him, if you cannot let this go, it will destroy you. I know you've probably pondered why you dwell on this a lot. It may be your personality, but I think this is a case of "curiosity killing the cat." You became so obsessed with the details of their relationship, you've slowly let it take over your relationship. Your curiosity has reached an unhealthy level, as you know.
So, what can you do? That's the million dollar question. I see a few things. First, therapy is usually helpful, and I'm glad to hear that you're consulting someone. There are often minutia that make a big difference when there is a situation like this. Another thing you can do is based on something you've already done. You said that you've basically scrapbooked their relationship with photos, dates, and lots of other info. Have you ever done anything like that for your relationship? Go back, focus on the things that you two have done TOGETHER. The key is bringing the focus back to your relationship. I also think that moving will help. Blocking her on Facebook is also good. Find a new hobby. Something healthy to take up that obsessive energy. I might suggest something away from the computer so that you aren't tempted just to peek. Maybe take up an instrument, or reading. You can turn your focus internal. Learn possible reasons why you may be focused so heavily on this person from his past.
We often make our lives far more complex than we need to. If you let yourself let go of his past, that simplicity can return. Maybe it is time for a bonfire. Burn that scrapbook. His past is his past. Like it or not, there is nothing that can be done to change it. Sometimes we don't like what we see back there, we all have our demons. She is one of his demons. She'll fade if you let her. By not letting her fade from his memories through your obsession about her, you're just prolonging your agony.
Think about this. You wrote pages about this woman, but mere paragraphs about your own relationship. She isn't with him now, you are. She broke him, and you've done a lot to fix him, but in the process have broken yourself. Focus on the future, not the past. The past is unchangable.
One of my favorite quotes is this: "The difference between the wise man and the fool is that the fool never learns from their mistakes." Your BF was a fool for a long time, but he eventually learned. You've helped him learn his real value, it pains me that you cannot focus on your own.
I don't know if this was helpful, but I hope it was.
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