| A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes: He gets angry over things I dont cause and then turns it around and says I caused it. He then overthinks the event and talks to all his older women friends he is 53 they are 65-70. I feel that they are enabling his abusive behavior since they would rather have him escort them to dinner since they are alone. He is 95% great but hs jealousy causes his abusive. for instance we had planned to go to a formal event for 2 months but he got so angry over a person not paying attention to him but to me (was regarding my business) that he turned it in to my being disrepectful to him. i told him he was letting his angry blow things out of proportion and it was his anger making things worse. needless to say he went to the formal event and left me alone. i know we love each other but feel that he needs some counseling in a big way. He can not handle any type of emotions. But i am the one who gets severely hurt.the other question dont you tink it is odd that he goes to dinner with these women alone.I do really love him, never loved anyone before, he wants to talk but I think I need to leave. I feel that if he will not take responsiblity for his actions how can the relationship move on.
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female
reader, wonderingcat  +, writes (26 February 2009):
 First of all, when I first came to this site, a good agony aunt (actually, it was an "uncle") gave me the best piece of advice. He said that if had come to the stage where I was questioning my relationship and was already stating an option, then the odds are that my concerns were already correct.
Your partner's blaming you all the time for things that you did not do nor cause is already an indication of psychological and verbal abuse. If he is so jealous, it might also be because he is very very insecure. In my case, my ex had some unresolved issues from his past relationship [which lasted 20 years]. It took him 2 months (after I broke off the relationship) to admit that it was a problem ... simply because no one else had pointed out that issue to him. It took him another month after that for him to admit he needed to resolve the issues and learn anger management.
Having said that, I have to say that I commend your man's efforts in taking those senior ladies to dinner, though it would have been much better if you and him went together of course. I don't know what his motivation for not including you to these dinners though, so I cannot comment any further on that, except that possibly he feels that you are "always there" for him, whereas those senior ladies have no one.
I once had a professor his age, that one year, he suddenly turned into a very angry person. Little things would make him explode out of control. Fortunately, after a few months, he realized that there was something wrong so he went to the doctors. As it turned out, he had a thyroid problem. After proper medication, he went back to his sweet and sympathetic person that he was before. I was also told that thyroid problems is not that uncommon for people in their 40s-60s and that it could change one's personality 180 degrrees (though apparently, it occurs more in women than in men).
So, two things you can do now: counselling and checkup (particularly check for hormonal imbalance, and possibly other conditions that could cause pressures on hormonal glands). Then you be able to decide whether you want to move on or stay with him. You deserve to be loved and respected, not abused and disrespected - regardless of the fact that he is 95% wonderful. That 5% "badness" is poison, and it could erode your self-esteem away.
I did not stay with my [verbally] abusive [ex]-partner then, but we have recently started communicating again. Since his admission to being abusive, he has taken some steps to work on "healing" himself. But we are not back together.
You cant' make your man change, he has to acknowledge his problem himself and want to change and make every efforts to better/heal himself. And when he does make this brave effort, it would be good for you to support him in the way that only you know how (within your own capacity).
I wish you the best.
Cat
A
female
reader, Tisha-1  +, writes (26 February 2009):
 I think you have hit the nail on the head: if he will not take responsibility for his actions, how can the relationship move on? His jealousy doesn't cause him to be abusive, HE is abusive, let's put the blame where it lies.
I think if you are wavering about leaving him, you could consider taking the following steps:
Read this: http://www.mental-health-matters.com/index.php?option=com_content&view=article&id=171 and look at your relationship with him.
Set up an appointment with a counselor. You didn't provide a country flag, but if you're in the UK, you could turn to Relate for help here. If he won't go to the appointment with you, that's a big sign he's not really planning to change. And if you are 41-50 and have never loved anyone before, it might not be a bad idea to go ahead to that appointment even if he doesn't show up. Perhaps this relationship is the starter one that will lead you to true love?
Remember that YOU have the responsibility for your own happiness, and that you control what your actions are. He can only make you miserable if you allow him to do so. (I'm speaking of the longterm here, not a short spat over something silly, just to be clear about that.)
I get the sense that you're trying to decide if he is truly abusive or not, if his relationships with these women are appropriate or not, and that you have to ask because you've never loved anyone before, so you're new to this. Do you have friends or family that know you well and have your best interests at heart? What do they think about him? How long have you been together, do you live together? How did you two meet?
Well, I hope I have given you some food for thought. Follow up with more detail if you'd like!
Take care.
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