A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I have been dating this guy that I grew up with since April of this year. Things are going good or at leaast i feel they are. He came out of a bad marriage and told me from the get go that he is not able to commit. We spend our free time together and I have come to love his family and his children. Our children get along great and I feel that is good. At times he is so affectionate and then other time he is stand offish. I wonder what is going on ?? I fell in love with him and I have told him. He has not told me :( even though I feel that he does. My question is this - should I continue doing this. The self sacrifice in the hopes that one day things will be between us or should I let go now and not get hurt even though right now I am hurting.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (13 October 2008): Patience. A relationship is like a job. You must work on yourself and your relationship will be a work in progress. When you work on yourself he will see the change in you and your heart will be protected either way. Stay positive even in the confusing moments 4 u do not know the day nor the hour when things will turn out in ur favor. Get them with sugar not vinegar.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (23 September 2008): You grew up with him. So you are familiar with each other's past, families and general facts? Were you friends before your relationship advanced to this stage? This type of relationship usually becomes more complicated when one of the two decides he wants more than the other can invest. I suggest that you ask him what he wants from a relationship and to tell him to evaluate if you have those qualities, if you could give him what he needs; have a straight to the point talk without fear of hurting each other, and maybe if he says he says he cannot make himself available emotionally for now, ask him if this is because he was hurt previously or if it has to do with you, discuss each other's rules and perhaps establish a date to wait for him to open himself and to be able to commit. You can't sacrifice your entire life, at one point you must be able to carry on if he continues to be unprepaired. You can as well tell him that after such a turmoiled experience as a failed marriage can be, both men and women might think they are ruined and might think they have nothing tender left, but you know it isn't so because you have seen him both in his affectionate moments and in his standoffish ones. For the time being it is enough that you connect intellectually, it is necessary that you provide comfort, attention and friendly care to each other, but you must know if this can change and decide if you are going to wait for that moment and establish a time limit... for your own protection. All that I wrote here, you can say to him! Follow his reactions, his rules, and YOURS. You are both involved here and sacrifices are unncessary. Call it a wait but don't wait forever. Then it will be a sacrifice. Also try to get used to the impredictable side of your situation, that is rather contractual than dictated by your emotions. And see how he progresses meanwhile. Or how he stagnates in the same point. Make yourself ready for all these, if you decide to stay in this contract. Such relationships can end at any time. But then again, all of them might. If you later decide this doesn't coincide with your wishes or you can no longer wait, you know what to do.Best wishes.
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A
female
reader, Hopeful Romantic +, writes (23 September 2008):
 First of all, it is normal for a man to say he doesn't want a committment after a bad marriage - I think almost everyone says that... break up/divorce = "I'm never getting married again." (ya know?) If what you want is not what he wants, then I am sad to say that it may not work between you two. If you still want him when he can't say I love you, then stay with him - but you say you are already hurting. I advise you to stop contacting him - no more phone calls, no nothing... let him call you. YOU start being stand-offish and when he asks you what the deal is, tell him, "I am not sure if you want to hear what I have to say." and then let him know that you really like him, your kids get along and you feel happy when he is around, but if he doesn't want you the way you want him, then you feel that you may be wasting your time. He will then either tell you to shut up and kiss him or he will become more stand offish and agree with you and it will be over. ... Either way, it's probably time to find out which one it's gonna be - no point in hoping he'll come around if you know he's not going to. You deserve to be happy and maybe if you start to pull away from him, he will realize how much he wants you. :)
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