A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:My boyfriend of over a year now came home the other night from hanging out with his friends that had come into town. I thought nothing of it, they usually just go out to eat or play video games, etc. But, when my boyfriend came home this last time, he was very touchy. He kept rubbing me and kissing me. He wanted to have sex. I had never seen him like this after he hangs out with his friends before. So, jokingly I asked him what got him so worked up. His response was that he got horny from the club...The club? He has gone to dance clubs before, with me as well. It never ever made him horny whether I was there or not. So I asked him, 'What club?' He paused and then said, 'the strip club'. I was shocked, I didn't know what to say to him, I seriously had no idea, honestly, that him or his friends ever would go. They just didn't seem like they were ever interested in that kind of thing.Personally, I really just don't like strip clubs, or porn for that matter. I was raised Christian, but regardless of that, I just genuinely never have, and I didn't know my boyfriend liked them. And on top of that, he only wanted me because he saw naked women! It isn't like watching a movie, these are real women, naked women. I was so upset I didn't even ask anymore questions, I just walked away. He couldn't understand why I didn't want to have sex!When we do make love, it is because we are both turned on by each other, together. I don't want sex that starts from a strip club. I want real emotional, loving sex. I don't know what to do, I am still a little upset. I just don't know how to handle this. Please don't be mean, I just want advice.xo p.s sorry it's so long!!!p.s.s. And don't throw that line "it dones't matter where he gets his appetite, as long as he comes home for dinner", that might work for some, but not me. Thanks!!!! 3
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reader, anonymous, writes (4 July 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionWe talked it over and he really felt bad about the whole thing and kept apologizing. He admits to being a little drunk; he said he never would have thought to do something like that had he been sober. They only went for a little bit and didn't do anything but sit at the bar. He even came over yesterday with flowers he felt so bad! He thought I was going to leave him or something. Anyway, thank you so much to all of you guys for your advice. I really appreciate it!!!
xo
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reader, anonymous, writes (3 July 2012): DanielPew is right though OP, there's no need for him go so blatantly to a sexy place and come home aroused from that and want you to satisfy it. That's not something that sits well with you and for good reason so just tell him that makes you very uneasy and the opposite of horny.
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reader, Danielepew  +, writes (3 July 2012):
 I don't think it is possible to expect that a person will never get aroused elsewhere and will come home wanting to relieve that with his or her significant one. Realistically, it cannot be avoided. Some day you will find this great lady with the big breasts who turned you on. Or Wifey will chance upon Stud who made her feel like rushing home. Knowing that is awful but such is life.
On the other hand, I disagree with the idea that nothing wrong happened. I do understand why the poster is upset. Her boyfriend got his spirits lifted not by chance, but about a concrete person he went to see. In truth, he would wish to be making love to that other person. That doesn't feel great.
What to do next? Talk to boyfriend and make it clear how you felt. I think anyone would understand his or her significant other saying "I don't want you to get hot elsewhere and come to me. I feel it's not me you want".
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reader, anonymous, writes (2 July 2012): Okay let me ask you OP. If you're reading a good book or watching a movie about romance or even hear your favourite love song that's really good and pulls your heart strings, so you decide you want your boyfriend to hold you so you can indulge that feeling even more. Who is it that you're thinking of in that moment? Who is that you need in that moment? Are you imaging yourself in the arms of the singer or the actor in the movie or the character in the book? No, you're just basking in the warm embrace of the guy you love. Is sex really much different?
It's quite similar. Looking at a naked woman is going to stimulate our brains into either making it easier to be aroused or actually be aroused, even the silhouette of a woman, even a drawing or just a written description of a sexual act. I mean think of all randy housewives reading that fifty shades book and what's happening there, I can tell you there are a lot of very happy husbands and boyfriends out there that their other half has read that book.
OP strippers are just women like any other woman, women don't need to be naked and grinding a pole for us to find them hot and we're not going to fall in love with a woman just because she's naked and frankly women in nightclubs wear far less clothes and do far more trashy things than you see in strip clubs anyway. The thing about strip clubs OP is you don't get aroused by the naked women, you get a kind of masculine feeling from being with other guys in a completely masculine environment, where we can be men and freely act like immature teenage boys without any women around to judge us or distract us. The fun of a strip club isn't the naked women, we only have to turn on the TV for that or go home to our partners. There aren't many places a guy can just go and hang with other guys and act stupid without being judged or get into fights, strip clubs while some may find them seedy I actually think they're a nice safe haven from having to watch the whole male/female dynamic of sleazes drunkenly chatting up girls and girls making fools of themselves by drunkenly flashing and falling all over the place, the potential fight because you drunkenly bumped against a guy who's bigger than you or the constant whining about feet hurting in those heels etc.
If you've ever been to a hen party with male strippers you get the exact same effect, seedy to some but there is something to be said for being just with a group of girls with absolutely no men around to cause drama or a distraction.
OP I hate to break it to you but you're not going to be the only thing that stimulates his emotions or arouses him in some way but as long as you're the only person he thinks of when he wants to do something about that then there shouldn't be a problem. That would be like asking someone to only ever get hungry when they see cake and that's very unlikely to happen and honestly nightclubs are far worse than strip clubs because he can't do anything with the strippers but you can't say the same for some drunken woman with big boobs really coming on strong in a night club where he can actually go too far without having his hands broken.
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reader, Honeypie +, writes (2 July 2012):
 I dated a guy who got horny every time he went to the gym. I used to think it was ridiculous, but I guess different things turn different people on.
I think you need to verbalize this ( I quote you)
" I don't want sex that starts from a strip club. I want real emotional, loving sex."
Tell him that. I understand that you feel like "lovemaking" would be cheapened if it started out with him getting horny looking at other women. I honestly don't blame you. I think strip clubs are pathetic and lame. You can honestly, go see better bodies at the beach/pool any day of the week. But I'm not a total anti strip club either. I know I will not set foot in one, but I TRUST my husband enough to do what's right.
I do think that withholding sex as "punishment" for getting aroused by strippers is a little.... silly. Honestly, I would have made my man strip for me. Turn it around back to YOU two. Make it about you two.
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reader, anonymous, writes (2 July 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you for your input guys, I appriciate it. I'm just confused. I am happy that he does still want me, rather than going out to look for it somewhere else. I know he loves me as I do him. It isn't that I hate stip clubs or porn, I just have never cared for them. Maybe I am just uncomfortable with it.
Guys, if you go to a club and come home wanting sex with your wife or gf, whats going through your brain? Her? I am just trying to understand, but its hard because men and women are so different sometimes.
Thank you!
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reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (2 July 2012):
 Dear OP,
I am the one famous for “I don’t care where my man gets his appetite as long as he eats at home” so I won’t dump that on you as you don’t want to hear it.
If you don’t want sex that starts somewhere else, then I suggest you tell him that. But you need to be prepared for what ever options he chooses to relieve himself after you decline his advances…
How do you know he only wanted you because he saw naked women? How do you know that he didn’t come home, and while he was aroused it was not so bad until he saw you and then wanted YOU?
And here’s one to mess with your head: how do you know that every time you make love it’s YOU in his brain? How do you know he’s not closing his eyes and having a fantasy about some hot woman he saw on the street that day at work or something? YOU DON’T. More stuff for you to worry about.
Yes you have every right to feel the way you feel. You have every right to tell him how you feel. But when you say to him: “When you come home to me all worked up because of some other woman, I don’t want sex with you until it’s JUST me in your brain.” What do you expect him to do? What options will you offer him?
1. Masturbate thinking about the stripper
2. Do nothing
3. Sleep with another woman
4. Lie to you about what he’s thinking about and pretend it’s YOU he wants
OTOH how do you know he didn’t want YOU….
What would you like us to tell you to do? How do YOU want to handle this?
If you want to forbid porn and sex shops and strip clubs then by all means do so. But be prepared for the fallout… either he leaves, he doesn’t go and he sulks and gets angry or he lies…
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reader, anonymous, writes (2 July 2012): Instead of feeling hurt and judging him, why didn't you just talk about these important things especially if it is something that seems to be a dealbreaker for you? You know what people say about assumptions: they make an ASS out of U and ME (ASSUME). Remember that. Christian men go to strip clubs and have mistresses. Religion doesn't have anything to do with this.
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reader, Cherrybomb13 +, writes (2 July 2012):
At least he didnt have sex with a stripper. He didnt cheat on you. Youre overreacting.
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reader, anonymous, writes (2 July 2012): Not ALL guys get turned on by strippers. Some men don't like the "barbie doll" look on women (meaning fake boobs, hair extensions, fake tan, and heavy make up), and some men genuinely do NOT like strip clubs in general no matter what the women look like. Some women feel like that if their guy got turned on by someone else, then tries to come to them for sex, he is using her body to get off on another woman. She feels hurt, and she has the right to feel that way.
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reader, anonymous, writes (2 July 2012): N91 is right, what do you want to hear OP?
We can't make you feel better about it if you completely dismiss anything we have to say before we even say it.
Firstly he didn't do anything wrong as you just assumed he'd never go to one, so just tell him that's not on and get over it or don't. The choice is yours. If you can't then go find a guy who has never gone to a strip club or watched porn.
Just talk to him and tell him how you feel about it, he'll probably apologise and not do it again, it's that easy.
Or you can just let this build and become bitter about something that means nothing and most people don't actually mind.
Is this really something that you can't get over or is it something that you feel will pass? If it's the latter then just calm down, relax and talk it out with him.
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reader, Dear Mandy  +, writes (2 July 2012):
 HI
Firstly I would ask how your sex life with him is right now anyway? and would question why you felt you had to ask him why he wanted you and was turned on ? If my man came home to me and wanted to make love I definately wouldn't be complaining. So has your sex life took a nose dive? maybe this is the first time his been to a club and naturaly ( sorry but true) he will be turned on and yes he did come home to you, I can also understand your side to this in regards to him being aroused by other women, but what if your friends dragged you into a strip club, or a stripper was hired for a party? and you had no other choice but to stay at the party, but then found the male stripper actually turned you on and made you think ( damn I cant wait to get home and ravish my man) christian up bringing or not would you understand how he feels then for being rejected for wanting you and not staying behind with one of them women?? Its only naturally to be turned on by something erotic its not a sin, the sin would have been him staying there with another women, but the truth of the matter is he DID come home to you. sorry but I think your over reacting in this case. BUT if this kind of thing really does upset you then at least give him the chance to explain properly then explain how it makes you feel, rather than just walk out and make him feel his done something wrong, cause maybe next time he WONT tell you the truth where his been cause he will know your reaction. At least he was honest about it.
Mandy
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reader, N91 +, writes (2 July 2012):
 What are you expecting us to say? He went out with his friends, went to a strip club where it'd probably be a little weird for a guy NOT to get turned on by naked women, then he came home to his GF and wanted to have sex with YOU, not pay for some lap dance off a stripper, wanted you.
You said you didn't want this answer, but what else can be said? He was horny and I don't really see how it could be helped from the circumstances.
I wouldn't think too much into it if this is a one off oh and an FYI on guys, if they tell you that you don't like strip clubs, they're probably lying.
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