A
female
 ,
anonymous
writes:How can a man say he loves you and yet say such awful things? Is it a lack of self control? My husband thinks his job is do all the solving, planning, thinking and decision making. Whereas, I came from a family where the husband and wife worked as a team, each offering suggestions and ideas when things needed to be solved; talking things over until they found a solution. But we continually butt heads over this very thing, because he cannot get his head around the notion that someone else might have a different opinon. When we are faced with a situation I usually let him take the lead, but I don't always agree with his way of solving it. Occassionally I might mention a few other ideas. To which he immediately blows up starts shouting and screaming and telling me to "Shut the F**k up!" Clearly he doesn't have all the answers. There have been times after he calmed down, he'd realize my way was the better solution. Of course he'd never say that and I never expect him to. Yet we collide over and over and over again even over the simplest things and it is so frustrating. Even after he apologizes and realizes he over-reacted (as usual) I don't totally recover emotionally and my self esteem is suffering. Otherwise we have a good marriage and most of the time we have alot of fun. But I just find it extremely hard to always let him run the show when he sometimes doesn't have the greatest ideas. Many times I have let "his plans" play out to disaster and I've always refrained from saying "I told you so". So why is it so hard for him to allow me to give input without a major melt down? Why is he so insecure about someone else having a different idea, or a different way of doing something? I'm educated. I'm in middle-management and even though he makes more than I do, I'm no idiot. Why does he insist on treating me like one?
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female
reader, Dear Mandy  +, writes (5 July 2012):
 HI
Yes I think a cultural diffrence will also add to this, as different cultures have their own way of up bringing, and dealing with things. Being Asian too he would of had a very strict childhood, I can see this being very difficult to get sorted and time soon, but with extra patience and time im sure he will come around. If not then maybe you should concider a trial seperation? it will give him time to think if he wants to changes his ways, and you time to think if you want to continue being treated this way.
I hope you do get this sorted out.
Mandy x
A
reader, anonymous, writes (4 July 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionWe have been married for 2 years, but together for 7. Seems like he's gotten slightly worse with time. Could it be that he feels threatened by someone who is as smart as he is so he tries to shut me down rather than realize who heads are better than one. I do think DearMandy may be onto something though. While he wasn't the younger child in his family, he was raised by a very domineering Dad who probably didn't let him have an opinion so that could be true. If I wait until he's calm and try to discuss things will quickly turn sour and he will say "No, if you would just be quiet and not try to 'run the show' I would be fine'. Clearly a bit of dictatorship there. He's Asian. So yes, probably cultural.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (2 July 2012):
 How long have you two been married? And is there some some of cultural thing going on with him?
Honestly, I would be out of there. This in not a marriage, it's a dictatorship. Can you imagine kids in this scenario?
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A
female
reader, eyeswideopen +, writes (2 July 2012):
 How long did you guys date before you married?
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A
female
reader, Dear Mandy +, writes (2 July 2012):
HI
This is not the right way to go in any relationship, so its no wonder why your so frustrated with him. Could it be that as a child he was not allowed have a opinion in his household? sometimes when your younger and you have things to say and your parent dont let you speak or show your ideas this can have this effect on your husband as an adult, which could be why he will always want to be right, and always put you down where your opinion is concerned. I would wait for a nice eveing when you know his in a happy mood, and calmly discuss this and tell him how its making you feel. And that its not nice to be made to feel like this by your own husband, and that things will have to start changing before he emotional drains you and will want to leave.
Mandy xx
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