A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:My fiance broke up with me 3 months before our wedding. He said 90% of our 3yr relationship is great but there was this 10% of uncertainty. He left the country for 1 month to 'sort out his thoughts'. When he came back,started calling and told me he's not sure if he made the right decision leaving so he wants to talk about things. During this time, I found a letter a colleague wrote him. She said she was sorry things didnt work out, they are better off as friends as she could tell he is confused and that his heart is still with me. I decided not to confront him. But hinted to him I wasnt comfortable with him hanging out with this girl. He assured me they are just friends and I could ask her if I wanted to. We've been hanging out for a month, talking and taking things slow. Then I got impatient and asked him where is this heading. He said he's still confused, enjoys spending time with me but he doesnt want to rush back into things. Should I give him time to clear his confusion or is he just stringing me along?? -SG
View related questions:
broke up, fiance, wedding Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, FaithG +, writes (16 September 2009):
Thank you for all the replies. I have decided to stop speaking to him for a while.He has been calling and texting for the last 2 days and it's silence from me. I don't know how long I can ignore him. Should I tell him at some point that it's just too difficult hanging around while he clears his confusion? Or should I keep my silence on this? Hopefully during this time he will come to realise he needs me or maybe not...
A
female
reader, eyeswideopen +, writes (14 September 2009):
 Well you certainly don't want to marry the guy unless he is 100% sure he wants to spend the rest of his life with you, do you? If you love him give him time. What's the hurry?
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (14 September 2009): This is a long-term relationship, and I believe he has told you the truth. He is confused. To demand a clear answer from someone who obviously doesn't have one is like getting a mule to move. Your impatience and BEGGING will make you a loser. Frankly, I think the relationship will never result in a marriage at this point anyway. If there is ANY way to salvage the relationship, this is what you must do: tell him YOU need to step back to re-evaluate the relationship; don't put it on him to do that. Put the ball in your court! Take the offensive, not the defensive. THEN DO JUST THAT without giving a long speech on your reasons or criticizing him in any way! Men don't want to learn all the details. Don't say it's because of his behavior. Don't say anything. He probably won't ask much if anything. It might be a relief for him. THE MORE YOU TALK, THE WORSE IT WILL BE. MUM is the word!Step back and stay back. Don't talk with him on the telephone. Start dating other men. To be honest, you DO need to re-evaluate whether you want to marry a man who is obviously not committed to the relationship. Would you want half a marriage or one in which you spouse loved you less than you do him? You may even think you would, but you would be miserable. NOW FOR THE AVERAGE PERSON DOING THE ABOVE WOULD BE IMPOSSIBLE. You will really have to put your mind to stick to NO telephoning him or texting him. Do not talk with him period. If he calls you, don't say you need a month or specific amount of time. Just tell him if he has something to say to write a letter. In time, things will unfold. In the meantime, REALLY START TO MOVE ON YOUR FUTURE WITHOUT HIM instead of wishing him back.
...............................
A
female
reader, lexleburger  +, writes (14 September 2009):
Wow, this is hard!its probably easy for me to say this because I dont feel what you do for him etc but keeping him in your life it mental! That letter basically says he had that woman, maybe even disspeared and called the wedding off for her, how could you ever be happy with that?I dont want to say it but it seems your second best to her, if he loved you 100% (which is what you want in a marriage) then hed never have had doubts, never left and not have that letter. i honestly think that although you probably do love him, you should be strong and not let him string you along. you'll end up hurt even more in the long run. spend time with your girl mates, having fun and just enjoying yourself. . .you'll soon realise you're better off without him and someone special will turn up when you least expect itplease dont let him treat you this way, if you marry him or continue things, the letter and that woman will always be in your mind and itl only end up hurtingGood luck in whatever you decide to do xxxx
...............................
A
female
reader, Lola1  +, writes (14 September 2009):
 You should be frank with him about the letter from the colleague. I'm sure he cares about you, but is it enough? It doesn't sound like it is enough for you right now, and I don’t blame you.You have been more patient than most would be. This is very hard for you and I wish there was an easier answer. I wish I could recommend something like cranberry juice and your heart will be healed.I doubt he is unsure about YOU so much as he is unsure and unready for LIFE-LONG COMMITMENT. Some people (not just men) love their freedom. Sometimes knowing the door to “other possibilities” is open is enough to prevent them walking through it.Think things through. How would it be if he left your life and you were free to find someone better suited to you; better suited to the type of life you wish to have?If he came to you tomorrow and said, “Yeah – let’s get married!” would your broken heart mend itself in time for you to commit to him again? And how would this letter affect your life with this man… forever unmentioned…?I always recommend AGAINST making threats you can not live up to, so consider how you could handle him leaving your life before you act, but sometimes it takes almost losing something to see it’s what we really want.Maybe its time for YOU to do some thinking; maybe it’s time to say, “Well, you have a lot to think about. Call me when you’ve figured things out for yourself. I will be thinking, too.”Then don’t wait. Act as though it’s over until such time as he is ready t commit to you. It’s his loss if you aren’t available at the time.Whatever you decide though, it has to be right for you. Good luck.
...............................
|
