A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Can anyone help!! I think i just need someone to talk to and not judge! I have been with my on off partner for 3 years. At the minute u could say we have been casual...just dating. Last year I fell pregnant and he bullied and manipulated me over th period of a omonth into a termination. I felt so terrible and still do it almost resulted in me taking my own life. I literally lost the plot. He is 40 - twice he has lied and cheated and his family are horrible - his mum said she was taking nothing to do with my child because it was mine. Now.. I've just found out I'm pregnant again. 5 weeks. I am stunned. I was on the pill. I am absolutely terrified to tell him. I'll get all sorts of abuse like last time and accused of trying to ctrap him.... yea he's such a catch. Not!! I'm angry at myself because I've been silly and while it suited to just see him now and again and date it's resulted in this. His first worry will be what his mum will say because she has "forbid" him 2 see me. So she knows nothing. I don't need anyone 2 tell me he's no good. I know he's a bully and not a nice man. But I have a baby coming now. I dont doubt he will be a good dad once babys here. I will not be bullied 2 have a termination. how do I tell him? My parents are going to be really angry aswel. I just need sum guidance please.
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abortion, bullied, period, the pill Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (4 September 2014):
 I would wait a bit... no need to make yourself crazy with him hammering at you to abort if you know you are not going to.
IF you wait till you are beyond the safe abortion time frame you can tell him:
"I'm pregnant and I'm past the time to have an abortion so it's NOT EVEN open for discussion. I am not asking for your advice or your hand in marriage. I expect you will properly legally help support YOUR child so I am giving you the heads up early enough to start planning properly."
I would
a. tell him IN PUBLIC (like go out to dinner or something
b. drive yourself there to meet him
c. be prepared to leave WHEN he behaves badly
d. assure him you will present a paternity test after the child is born to help him accept his role in this new life
I know a woman who got pregnant 3 times while PROPERLY ON BCP... finally her husband had a vasectomy which is what this asswipe of a sperm donor should have done when he KNEW he didn't want children.
A
male
reader, CaringGuy  +, writes (4 September 2014):
I think that perhaps you need to speak to someone independent like a counselor,or a very trusted friend, in order to just off load to someone in real life. This must be hard for you, and I think you'd benefit if you had someone to talk to you who wasn't going to judge harshly. Your parents might be mad which won't help, and clearly this man and his family aren't going to be up for it. You need someone to just be able to talk to you.
In terms of your options, clearly you need to be prepared that you will be bringing this child up alone. This man is unlikely to suddenly step up to the mark given his past behavior, and his family won't help either. You need to sit down and come up with a plan as to how you will support your baby. I'd also urge you to speak to your doctor about what is happening - they may also be able to offer advice. And, you need to do some research into what rights you have with regards to child support from this man etc.
Don't worry about people's reactions. You and your unborn baby are most important, so do what it takes and talk to whoever you have to to get the support you need.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 September 2014): Op here
Thank u all for taking the time to answer - particularly euphoric29 for not judging me!
I was looking for someone to talk to and suggestions how to tell him. Not to be told he won't be there etc - I am under no illusions here. I am absolutely aware I will do this myself and you know - it's his loss. This baby will have all the love and support he or she will need from me and my family. Last time he said if I kept it he would be there for the baby and then told how remorseful he was for his actions afterwards.. apparently. But I take that with a pinch of salt! I know he will pass the blame to me but you are right - condoms should have been used. That's his responsibility while the pill is mine. Thank you for taking the time to reply every one
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A
female
reader, Euphoric29  +, writes (4 September 2014):
Dear other agony aunts and uncles.. the OP asked us NOT to judge her. She was on the pill, which is usually a safe way of contraception. Yes, she could have been even more protective, but you know, in hindsight everybody is way smarter than before.
Dear OP,
I doubt he will be a good father once the baby is there, because he doesn't want a child and also his mother wouldn't accept your baby as her grandchild. Also, he sounds like he has always lived in an unhealthy family and is an emotionally immature person (I mean, he is 40 and his mother still thinks she can pick who he is dating). Not to forget that he is a cheater.
So my advice would be similar as SomeCowsAttacks' advice.
You need to consider your options without him. Don't count on his support, at all.. if he has not been a supportive person until now, I don't think he will change. Obviously he doesn't feel about babies as you do, he is way less emotional towards them or else he wouldn't have bullied you into a termination before. If you want to keep the baby, you can chose whether or not you want to raise it by yourself. You will have to deal with your families' and your partners' disapproval or anger/irritation, that's for sure. So you need someone by your side, to help you. Friends, counsellors, maybe other relatives that are supportive (or the church? a woman centre?).
I wish you a lot of strength to go through these hard times. Take it step by step.
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A
female
reader, WhenCowsAttack +, writes (4 September 2014):
I'm not going to lecture you, the only thing I'm going to say is that you must decide whether you're prepared to be a single mother.
It seems the abortion traumatized you horribly, so I certainly won't even suggest that. But it is clear that dealing with this man will be a nightmare, and he won't commit. You're either going to need to cut all ties with him and raise the baby by yourself, or perhaps find a loving family to adopt the baby. You might consider some actual counseling to help guide you through this difficult process. Good luck, sweetie.
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A
male
reader, Mark1978 +, writes (4 September 2014):
 Im sorry but why on earth did you continue having unprotected sex (ie no barrier method) with a man who is clearly selfish, controlling and has already forced you into an abortion?
I know I sound judgemental but surely having had such a terrible experience once, you should have a run a mile not put yourself into a position where it could happen again as it now has. He is a bully, forced you to abort and has lied, cheated and comes from a horrid family...sorry but why oh why continue seeing this man? As Honiepie says, why not use a condom as well as the pill??!! If he is cheating on you then you are also putting your health at risk.
He is not going to suddenly stop being the person he has been for 40 years if a child comes along. You need a decent guy your own age, not a man of 40 using you as a sex toy who doesn't give a flying fuck about his action. If you have the baby he wont support you or care for the child. Neither will that child have a stable, loving father and decent family around it.
YOU decide whether to keep the baby and YOU take responsibility. Don't expect him to change when the baby arrives or suddenly become a good father as it will never happen.
We cant tell you whether to abort or not but you need to think about what YOU want and your own future. Either way, you need to take control back of your own life and stop letting yourself be used for sex by bullies who hurt you.
Mark
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (4 September 2014):
 Can I ask why you guys didn't use BOTH condom and the pill to make AS sure as possible to not get pregnant? Specially HIM, since HE so adamantly didn't/don't want a child. If he is SO against having children he should either NOT have sex (seriously) or USE a condom 100% of the time.
Decide for yourself if you are READY to be a single mom. Decide if you can afford this or not. If you KNOW you can't raise this child alone and YOUR family is no help, then I would suggest you consider adoption OR another abortion.
He is not going to do a 180 and all of sudden WANT a child with you. I think you know that.
He is a 40 year old man who does what his MOM tells him to do (more or less) and you think HE would be a good dad? He's cheated on you before and lied to you... and you still think he will be there for you and the baby?
TALK to your parents once you figure out if you are going to keep the baby, adopt it out or have an abortion. The choice IS yours.
No one here can tell you what you HAVE to do. THIS is your choice.
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