A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I am a 24 year old female and have been in a relationship with my boyfriend for a year. I have my own apartment, work full time and I am a full time student. I allowed him to move in. I was not concerned about the financial piece of things because I am in a situation where I can afford to take care of myself. When we met he had recently gotten clean from a cocaine addiction. The rules of the house were no drugs and that he would have to be doing something productive with his life, so he decided to attend college and enroll in the drug counseling program. He attended his first year of college without any problems. He maintained a part time job during our relationship. He did not help out with finances, however he did purchase small items for the household. He was also emotionally supportive of my goals and any struggles that i was going through. About a month ago he seemed to just snap. He has had difficulty in the past with depression issues and began taking a drug called Chantix (it is a pill to help you quit smoking). A month after he began the medication he showed signs of depression (decreased sex drive, feelings of hopelessness, decreased interest in activities he used to enjoy ect)He had told me that he wanted to marry me. The very next day I had asked him to complete some of the household cleaning while I went to work. Upon arriving home things were not done and I was angry. I expressed to him in a rational matter that i was angry and i needed some time to myself. He left and decided to go to his parents house. I had tried to contact him for the next few days stating that I was ready to talk about things and he became extremely cold and cruel. 4 days later he 'broke up' with me via facebook. He never gave me a reason why. My sister and a close friend informed me of this after I got out of work. The following day was our one year anniversary, and i sent him a text message stating that i would be dropping off some of his belongings around 8pm. He became angry that i would not drop off a tv that we had purchased together. He ended up calling the police and sending them to my house with his parents. (he is a 25 year old male) I allowed his parents to come into my house to take some of the belongings i had packed and planned on dropping off later in the evening. His parents went through my apartment like it was a garage sale and took back a plant that they had given me a week earlier. The father wanted the police to make a report of what condition the tv was in (fyi the police cannot do this, and the officer told him so). I was really hurt and left with a lot of unanswered questions. I was sexually abused as a child and after allowing these people to come into my apartment and treat my home in such a manor i felt invaded. I decided that I could not allow him or his parents back into my apartment for that reason. I gave him a time and asked him to come pick up his stuff that i placed outside of the apartment. He sent me numerous angry text messages and emails.. threatening to sue. I asked family and friend to assist me in removing his belongings and watching my apartment to ensure that he would not come in. I could not be there for this process because it was to hurtful at the time. Some of his belongings I had forgotten about and received angry text messages from his mom stating that these two items belonged to her. I told him that i had no interest in keeping his belongings and that i would return them. About a week after he sent me a message stating the he was deeply sorry about all this and wanted to get back together. I told him that I would listen to what he had to say but he was not allowed in the apartment. He told me that he had a 'mental breakdown'..ect and that he was planning on seeking counseling. I accepted his apology and we are currently attempting to work on our relationship.My problem is, I am not confidant that he deserves another chance, that my family will ever accept him and I also feel extremely hurt by his parents actions. I have never been cruel or unkind to the family or there son. He tells me that his parents were just protecting him.. I asked him what were they protecting him from and he failed to have an answer. Anyone have any insight to this situation?
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female
reader, cc62955p +, writes (15 October 2009):
my now ex bf did the same thing to me but never decided to get back together. he called the police on me and had me attacked by his entire family on their front poor in the cold winter months after I was returning home from a long night at work. he didnt work and sat around all night on the computer looking at other women on dating sites for the year and a half we were together. his parents kept sending the police to my house everytime they suspected that i tried to see him and they have even put up a sign on their lawn saying "congradulations on your engagement john"...he has not spoken to me aside from his mother forcing him to break up with me over the phone with her at his side. i was devastated and felt violated also. Your very lucky he has decided to get back together, in my case no one will speak to me from his family and he put hopes in my mind that we would be together. since we broke up I have been to three funerals for loved ones and when i called to tell him i was hurting from it, i heard girls laughing in the background and he said "sorry i got to go im at a friends house" then hung up on me...that was the last time i ever spoke to him and it was a year ago. Dont let your ex do this to you again it will break your spirit and will to go on, what if your losing a loved one and he pulls this on you again? all Im saying is just be careful and try to keep yourself together. Dont let anyone take that dignity and respect away from you....please respond if your able to read my message and tell me what you think and whats been going on with him. best of luck
A
male
reader, GrimmReality +, writes (11 July 2009):
 As a recovering Cocaine addict/alcoholic myself (8 years sober) it sounds to me by his actions with you and the way he and his family reacted to all of this, he is back on the drugs and his family most likely are enabling him, and keeping their head in the sand about what the real problem is...his addiction.Hate to say it, but men in their mid 20's dont break up on Facebook. Believe me, I have seen about every trick in the book when it comes to covering up drug use. You may want to believe him if he tells you he isnt. Apparently by the parents actions they want to believe it too.There are no concrete answers to give when addiction is involved because the addict needs to hit rock bottom before he or she can begin to recover. Sadly every one has a different bottom and I am afraid that this behavior will continue whether you are with him or not.Frankly speaking, the best thing you could possibly do if you love him is to let him go. He has to tackle this by himself, for no one but himself.There is no use(with your past of what happened to you) to be a co-dependent with him. You need to focus on getting yourself well. You cant baby sit him like his parents already are. And I am sure he will still be living with them at 40 regardless of whether you are in his life or not.
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A
male
reader, LazyGuy  +, writes (11 July 2009):
 People who have been abused often have trouble forming normal relationships later in life.
Your story reminds me a bit about a japanese romantic comedy series. In it a succesful woman adopts a guy as a pet. She makes all kinds of rules for him and the situation is really more her being in control then two lovers.
Now look at your own story. He doesn't have to pay his share of the household costs. Depening on how to read the part about you asking him to do some chores, I get the impression he doesn't do housework reguraly and certainly not half.
Is this a relationship of equals, two people sharing a life OR one seeking to dominate another so she cannot be abused again?
You might have got the practical side of your life together but the emotional side is a mess. It is understandable but don't you think a woman who as you claim got her life together should be looking for a slightly more mature man? One who can contribute to the household a little bit more then just regular sex?
The movies and media love to tell us people change. In my experience they only do so AFTER they lost something. Since you are taking him back, he hasn't anything. Sure it is possible he will grow-up now. Everything is possible, but is it likely?
You work full time and consdering your age I presume you go to university. Unless you are a cradle robber, he is still in college in his mid twenties and only has a part time job. Is this what you want? A slacker?
It makes sense if you believe abuse usually happens by someone in a dominant position. The wage earning husband beating the housewive. But that is just stereotype. Lots of abused women are in fact the earners and slapped around by unemployed husbands. For that matter, lots of husbands are abused by their wifes. And abuse doesn't always have to be violent, it can just be the constant usage of a person until they can't give anymore.
Take a real hard look at what this relationship really is. I might be completly of base and you are just two kids growing up together, but I think you are running away from a normal life by being with a boy who you think is save because you are the dominant partner.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (11 July 2009): I personally think you had best count your lucky stars that he is out of your apartment and you need to have him out of your life. Why would you want to take on someone who would treat you this way regardless of the reason?
He has addiction issues and mental illness issues and he really needs to be independent and on his own instead of living off of you. So what he bought a few items, and he feels entitled to a tv after living with you rent free?
That should tell you were his sense of responsibility lies and it is not with himself.
His parents sound like they are enablers and are keeping their kid sick ke kby protecting him. Protecting him from what? From having to deal with the harsh realities and responsibilities of life. He did not take kindly to your expecting him to carry his weight with household chores and he broke up with you in an impersonal manner.
He wants you back probably because his parents may be pressuring him to be on his own, and he needs a mommy...
Get rid of this loser and get yourself some therapy and find out why you feel the need to pick men that you have to take care of....you deserve an adult who can take care of himself, how else will he be able to take care of you and a relationship?
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