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female
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anonymous
writes: Me and my boyfriend were going out for over a year when he decided he didn't want to go out with me anymore but for us to "see each other" instead. This meant either of us could do whatever we wanted and be with whoever we wanted but still see each other. We still act like a couple, however the other day I was messing around with his mobile phone and accidentally came across a text he sent to his ex girlfriend, he referred to her as 'babe' and finished the text with "Love you". I was shocked as when we were going out with each other he was very fussy about me calling anyone 'babe' or 'huni', yet now he is referring to his ex as 'babe'?? I might just be over-reacting but recently he has said he's casually seen her as he's been out and about, yet he swears he dislikes her and makesm nasty comments about her to me... please help i'm so confused!
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reader, anonymous, writes (3 August 2006): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks everyone for your input, I will take into account everything you have all said.
Thanks again for helping me gain some clarity.
A
male
reader, Lostandalone  +, writes (3 August 2006):
 Once again I'm left agreeing with Pete. You are being used. I am going thru something similar. As Pete said he has all the control. I bet he calls you speratically and acts nonchalant in conversations. You have to get out of this in a hurry!!! All you are doing is setting yourself up for some real pain. He's going to play the field and have sex with you to get him over, then he will meet someone he likes and want to commit to and that will leave you out in the cold because even "seeing each other" will come to a screeching halt. He will eventually break with this person over time and come looking for you. You will always be his "Plan B" if you don't have some self-respect and get on without him. Do you think he will ever stop doing this. Why buy the cow if you're getting the milk for free??? You are a human being and don't deserve to be used in this manner. I had to wake up and see this as my ex did the same to me. It hurts like hell but you will feel better to know that you can be with someone who wants all of you just not whats between your legs. Good Luck and if you need to talk send me a private message. I'm always here. :)
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A
female
reader, DrPsych  +, writes (3 August 2006):
 He is a player who is having cake and eating it. He can sleep with whoever he likes and you settle for occasional sex as a substitute for a committed relationship. If he is talking about his ex behind your back, then you can bet he is doing the same to you when you are out of hearing distance. He is two-faced but you already know all this. You cannot control who he is, or how he behaves. You can control what you are doing and how much rubbish treatment you stand for - why do you expect him to treat you any better if you let him get away with it? Open relationships cannot work when what you really want is a full-time committed relationship with this guy - he is not prepared to give you what you need so why bother settling for casual sex? It all comes down to self respect at the end of the day and if you are happy to sleep with him 'no ties' then ok but you are obviously unhappy about the situation - who wouldn't be? He has all the control over what is happening and you have none. Being single isn't so much torture as 'dating' a non-committed man who is playing lots of women off one another. He is not a good guy...find one who is.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 August 2006): I have been in your situation too. Your boyfriend doesn't want a commitment with you, but wants to play the field. You cannot make him feel for you what you feel for him. He wants a no strings attached relationship with you and I doubt that this will change. Regardless of how many times you sleep with him he has made it quite clear he doesn't want a relationship with you. Yes it hurts like mad, there's nothing more you can do. Move on and find someone who can give you what you are looking for.
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reader, anonymous, writes (3 August 2006): By allowing your ex-boyfriend to not be commited to you, yet still allow him to have sex with you (I presume that's what you mean by "seeing each other"), you unfortunately no longer have any business in how he conducts his personal life with other people.
Do I think he's lying about how he feels towards his ex? Of course he is! What about his double-standards when it comes to regarding people as "babe" and "huni", etc? He's insecure! Is he using you? You bet ya!
As soon as you allow someone to no longer be commited to you, when they know you have feelings for them, they will loose the respect that they had for you. When you were in a relationship, your body was part of an exclusive deal. The new deal is that he doesn't have to be your boyfriend yet he can still have sex with you! So why would he need to respect you, or treat you in any favourable way, he can sleep with any one he wants to now!
Reading between the lines, you clearly have a lot of feelings for this guy. The best thing you can do is only allow someone who is commited to you to have any intimate contact with you. That is how guys will respect you, and that is how you will avoid situations such as this.
From what you've written about your ex though - I think you would do well to stay clear and wait for someone who is 100% focused on you to come along!
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