A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I keep getting sucked back into a "relationship" with a guy who one minute wants to be with me and the next wants to be with his ex wife. (Separated, not divorced.) I try to walk away or stop him getting to me but he just says the right thing and I'm putty in his hands.I have always had a crush on him since before I was a preteen. His family are very good friends with my adopted family so since I moved in with them when I was 8, I have always known him. He is 8 years older than me, but we were friends growing up, and as we got older I noticed him more and more. I guess that's why I allowed it to happen when we shared a kiss while he was still married. I was 19 and had just split with my ex boyfriend after he cheated on me. This guy found me very drunk and upset when I was out with friends. He made sure I got home ok that night, and I pretty much threw myself at him. I may have drunk but he responded. He avoided me like the plague afterwards and we never spoke about it until months afterwards. He asked me not to tell his wife, and I agreed. I was drunk and embarrassed, it wasn't something I was going to shout from the rooftop.Anyway he split with his wife a while after that, and we started chatting on facebook one night after he commented on something on my page and ended up meeting up that night for a drink. We slept together that night and although it was something I had always wanted, I felt terrible afterwards because he had just ended his marriage. Again, we avoided talking about it and a few weeks afterwards, they decided to try again. I never told anyone about our night, and neither did he. Over a year later, they had split up again, this time it was truly over between them as they began to start a divorce. This time, we began a proper relationship, lasting 5 months until he decided that he should give his marriage one last try. I think a lot of it was on her as she was very nasty about us, and made him feel guilty about anything that happened to her. Their reunion lasted all of three weeks. He then tried to come back to me, but I said no. I managed to stay away until end of last year when we were at a same party, and I sort of agreed to a friendship with him. But yesterday, Valentines, he sent me roses and a card. He didn't sign them but I know his hand writing. I don't want to get hurt again, and I don't want to become his play thing again but he talks me into it every time. His ex wife has now started a relationship with someone else but for the last two years or so I have felt like she controls what happens between her ex and I. I know its not her fault, and that he probably isn't any good but I can't stay away. What can I do before I go insane?
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cheated on me, crush, divorce, drunk, ex-wife, facebook, her ex, his ex, moved in, my ex, split up Reply to this Question
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female
reader, Midnight Shadow +, writes (16 February 2015):
 Ultimately, you deserve better than you're giving yourself. Stay single, appreciate your independence and live a little (safely) without getting all of those hormones involved with guys who aren't good news :)
A
reader, anonymous, writes (16 February 2015): There is a difference between separated and divorced. Separated, you're still married; divorced, you're not.
You've had a crush dating back to childhood. You finally grew-up to be old enough to act on your long-term crush.
So, it's not easy to just let go. Starting the tryst before
his divorce was final, was morally-wrong; but you were a girl recently out of a breakup, drunk, and on the rebound. That's not how good relationships begin.
The quality of a relationship is usually founded on how it began. The length of it depends on the amount of effort two people put into making it work. How it ends, usually depends on the quantity of bullsh*t two people dumped on each other from the start to finish.
There is no quality to the relationship you're in; because you're writing to a website for advice of how to get out of it, once and for all. That's because it began in the worst way possible. You weren't in-love, you were friends with benefits. He was reaping most of the benefits; because he got the benefit of variety; and used you as his standby when he got tired of his separated-wife. She decided to kick him to the curb. That makes him her rubbish, and sloppy-seconds. You're young and fresh. What's wrong with this picture?
Let's give you food for thought. You're a young lady under 21, who hasn't really had a chance to enjoy a healthy and happy relationship without unnecessary complications. You let his lame sweet-talk pull you back into an emotional-wasteland with an older-guy, who uses you at his personal-convenience. He's messing-up your young head, delaying your psychological-development, and taking advantage of your youthful inexperience. How's that for thought?
Talk is cheap, sweetheart; and "players" never run out of "sweet-talk." They play you for dumb, when you're really naive; and treat you like you're stupid; when you're just hung-up on a crush. I'm not saying you don't know what you're doing, I'm just saying you aren't mature enough to handle a full-fledged adult-affair with a married-guy in his late twenties; when you've never really had a decent boyfriend your own age. You left a cheat, for another cheat.
You are messing up you own head by not giving your feelings a chance to mend. You're doomed to repeat one failing relationship after another; because you're starting off on the wrong foot. You're not even trying to pull your act together; you're just letting him treat you like a brainless bimbo. You're better than that, and deserve much better. You need a lot of work, kiddo. He's holding you back from better things to come, and guiding you down the path of losers. He's just having fun; you're trying to figure-out how to get on with your life. Just do it. Tap into that same determination to have your way, that you used when you rebelled against your parents in your younger teens.
Well, when you have missed being young and drama-free long enough; you'll wise-up and turn it around. You've got a way to go in life; this is just the first quarter. When do you go away to uni? Time to get some education, meet some cute college-boys, and make some more age-appropriate mistakes.
I'm betting the farm; you'll be out of this mess by spring.
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A
female
reader, Midnight Shadow +, writes (15 February 2015):
She's his wife (not ex-wife) until they get divorced - don't let him use that term to trick you.
You were drunk and he used you! That counts as rape, you know? It's taking advantage of someone who isn't in the right state of mind.
He hadn't ended his marriage, they were essentially on a break that would have been a break up if the had got divorced.
If they decided to try it again, it wasn't truly over between them. You say you think it was her because you think she made him feel guilty, but he SHOULD have felt guilty and you're excusing *his* behaviour by aiming your blame at her.
Then you agree to friendship with him - which just means you put yourself in a position to get used again.
You *can* stay away and *choose* not to. Learn to control your desires; everybody has to and you can't trust this guy not to cheat on you or mess you about.
What you *choose* to do now is up to you.
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