A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I need help dealing with an obsessive lover.Here is some background info. Thank you all for taking the time to read.I teach at a University and very recently, we had a new colleague join the Department. He was a part of the Dept prior to my joining but was on sabbatical for a year, so he wasnt a part of the Dept when I joined. I had heard a lot about him from other colleagues who spoke very highly of his academic credentials, his extremely good looks and yet said that he was a kind of a misogynist and basically never wanted to have anything to do with girls. Kept mostly to himself, never entertained any conversation with female colleagues either and was very detached from everyone.When he finally joined after the sabbatical, I was very friendly with him because I'm generally a happy, friendly person and I like being around people. Plus, I hate a work atmosphere where everyone's antagonistic towards each other so I tried being nice to him and he also made an attempt to reciprocate. He is a very good looking guy and I was surprised he's still single but anyway. We would go for coffee with other colleagues, he dropped me home in the evenings because my house was right in the way of his house, he made it a point to be really polite and nice to me and was generally a really changed person...so much so that people started commenting on how much he had changed and how affable he had become.A couple of days back, while driving me home, he suddenly asks me what I feel for him. Ok, strange, but I told him that I was very fond of him and that he was a colleague who I got along well with. He then asks me if I would ever consider marrying him (!!) and if I ever saw myself with him! I was completely taken aback because this was a bolt out of the blue. He then told me that he didnt like my interaction with the other male professors in the Dept and would like it if I didnt mingle quite so freely with everyone!I didnt know what to say to all this but I just told him that he was totally out of line commenting on my personal life. He apologized. He then requested me to go for dinner with him and while I didnt want to, I did, because I wanted to clarify certain things and I didnt want to speak over the phone or in the Department.Yesterday at dinner, this man, who I've known for precisely 1 month, tells me that he's in love with me. That he's never had a girl in his life before because he had never found anyone he thought he could get along with. He absolutely refused to take no for an answer, he kept trying to tell me that I should give a relationship with him a shot and that I should consider him as a future husband.I am utterly and completely taken aback by all this. There are many details that I've omitted because of time constraints but the bottom line is that its clear...he's an obsessive man. He told me that he was deprived of the love and care that a person should get in his childhood. He tries to show the world that he's a tough but cynical loner but with me, he's a bumbling mess. He can barely drive when I'm sitting next to him, I've seen him shiver with nerves. He told me that I was "menacingly attractive" and that he cant think of a life without me. When I told him no, he just stared at me as if "no" wasnt an opion.I actually feel sick with fear at the thought of whatever he's been telling me. This man has dropped me home precisely 5-6 times and we just meet in the Dept and yet he claims to be in love with me. While driving me back home lats night, he suddenly looked at me and quipped, "what if I kidnap you"? My blood froze. I'm scared...seriously scared. I got a call from him today in the morning and he apologized for coming on too strong but still wants me to talk to him in the Dept tomorrow and to tell him that I will at least consider a relationship with him. The situation is so fucked up because professionally he's just perfect, wont give anything away, everyone thinks very highly of him and I have no proof to show anyone about the things he's been telling me and neither will anyone believe me because this goes absolutely contrary to his public image. He's around 40 years old, by the way.Im really, really scared now. What do I do? How do I tell him no in a way that he understands yet doesn't harm me? I have to work in the same place as him so it makes things even worse. Should I just buy some time and hope it will die down?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 February 2015): To the female anon, I've stopped communicating with him totally. I realized the futility of it when I saw how his graph was going. One moment he's normal, then he's bat-shit crazy saying things which make absolutely no sense. He's apparently informed his parents at home at he's marrying me...when I am in NO way a part of his life!
I completely agree with you when you say he has delusions of grandeur. As far as he's concerned, if he likes a girl then he's marrying her....irrespective of she thinks! He has an emperor sized ego and thinks the world of himself, that he's better than anyone else, that he couldn't be bothered about anyone. I've heard that when students used to ask him to repeat a phrase or something that he'd just said in class, his answer used to be, "A radio just plays once, it doesn't repeat itself". Whatever that means.
He's trying rather seriously to "alter" his ways in front of me so that I think good of him...he seems pleasanter with the students and more affable but I know its all just a sham so that I'm taken in by his "goodness".
I agree about the doctor friend, he's in it just for the thrill and is a sidekick. I know for a fact that he's a doctor but I don't know what kind of a doctor he is...I really feel sorry for his patients.
I have informed my family about all this and I keep them updated. My male colleague knows everything as well and is very protective towards me so at least I have some support system in the University
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 February 2015): OP, no! Stop communicating with this man. You are not dealing with a normal person where any discussion or heart to heart will make any difference. Any emotion or attention you show him is just giving him fuel to manipulate you and keep harassing you. He is not going to hear a word you say. All he is going to see is that you are showing him attention and you are emotional. Just stop! I told you, do not talk to him and avoid eye contact. You confronting him in hopes that he'll get the message is like trying to explain the Big Bang theory to a 3 year old and expecting the child to understand. He doesn't get it. He is not human in the ways normal people are. Right now he is just sizing you up to see how scared you are. If you react, he is going to know you are terrified and he has got you right where he wants you. So stop talking to this man. You should have nothing to say to his "doctor" friend either. Psychopaths are pathological liars. This "doctor" may not even be a doctor. Who knows who this "doctor" really is? Probably his partner in crime. Psychopaths are often involved in weird sexual rituals. Maybe he and his friend want to do something crazy to you. I can assure you this "doctor" is not his therapist. Psychopaths rarely ever seek treatment. They are narcissists, which means they have delusions of grandeur. In his mind he is better and smarter than everybody else. Therefore, he would never seek help as he doesn't need it, or so he thinks. His "doctor" friend is likely a sidekick whose intentions are just as fucked up as his. Stay away from these characters. And protect yourself by informing OTHERS, not him and the doctor, but OTHER people who are normal and can help and support you. His biggest fear is being exposed. So expose him and he'll instantly cower away and leave you alone. If you want this guy to go away, expose him and do not give him any more attention.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 February 2015): Hi it's female anon. here.If he's said that this other man would like to meet you then that is weirder than I thought - meeting him TOGETHER, with this man so that they can both - presumably - encourage you to get married to him is very different to you confronting the 'advisor' alone. The risk is that both of them are loonies. Could you find out who this 'advisor' is and then take the male friend with you to meet the 'advisor' just by himself - and possibly record the situation on your 'phone? I mean the male friend who has noticed the weirdo staring at your body? Or could you get your supervisor/boss/staff co-ordinator to go with you to explain to the 'advisor' that he's actually advising a man that you believe is very sick and you have no interest in, so he's enabling a situation that won't help anyone and in fact is enabling and encouraging harassment? If you don't want to go down the fully official route, then you could try this - but the risk is that in not fully exposing the behaviour 'above board' the guy in question might, in his twisted mind, over-think what you decide and take this as an indication that you do care really, otherwise you would have reported him. Honestly, I know how these twisted guys' minds work - even after I did everything I could bar reporting him, my harraser kept doing things to try to provoke a response from me; sending totally unecessary 'work' emails that, to anyone else would seem purely above board, but which I knew was his way of saying "respond to me". And if I gave even the tiniest, weeniest bit of response he would then try to 'work' on it. Even at our last Xmas party he hung around until he saw me put my coat on and then I noticed him get ready to go, so I asked another female colleague to walk with me to the station, as he's followed me before and refused to go away when I've told him to.Another approach would be to report this to whoever deals with sexual harassment. Usually in an institution like this there will be members of staff who are either paid or volunteer to provide help and support for other staff experiencing sexual harassment. I did this and the women in question offered to go with me to report it to my line manager; I felt unable to do this as my line manager thinks the world of him and I knew that he would never believe that I hadn't somehow caused the behaviour - as I say, I'm not on a permanent contract so I can't handle it as I would ideally like to. But your situation is different, and I think you have at least one colleague (your male friend) who would support you by saying he's noted this guy's odd behaviour.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 February 2015): OP here.
To the female anon poster, yes Ma'm I'm pretty sure that the doctor guy is advising him. Maybe it gives him a sense of gratification at being able to run someone's life and also harass a girl...I'm guessing he derives some sadistic pleasure out of it.
And to top it all, the freak wanted me to meet his friend saying that he would be really happy to meet me. I was left thinking...why why WHY on earth would he be happy meeting me when I don't consider myself to be any part of the freak's life? I didn't think I should but do you think it would help if I did?
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A
male
reader, SensitiveBloke  +, writes (16 February 2015):
 The guy sounds like a psycho. You need to put him straight and make it clear to him that the two of you are NOT going to enter into a relationship under any circumstances.
You need to let a few people know what has happened here just in case it turns nasty.
It might be worth changing jobs as it will be awkward working with him.
If he makes things difficult at work, you should report him to your HR department.
Obviously don't accept any more lifts from him again. Make sure you are never alone with him outside of work.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 February 2015): I posted earlier, but just want to add to your update - you said you think this guy has only one friend who advises him. In my case with the married colleague who was obsessed with me, he was seeing a counsellor privately for 2 years AND on very strong anti-depressants and was the biggest manipulator of people I have ever met. What became clear to me was that he was going to his counsellor and talking through his life and the counsellor was unwittingly - in helping him to function 'normally' - actually enabling him to become increasingly manipulative and to keep pursuing, demonically, what he wanted. In his counsellor's view I think this was him being assertive and learning to question his own doubts about his ability to get what he wanted in the world and to assert himself. In real life and as I experienced it, it was someone with absolutely no sense whatsoever of another person having a life of their own and desires of their own - it was as if I was an extension of his psyche and desire and he just kept trying to manouevre me into the position that he wanted. It was truly sick that someone could keep doing this, luring me into discussions about his F***** up psyche even though I'd made it perfectly clear I wasn't interested in him, and then declaring he loved me and was 'crazy' about me. He even would say things like "but what could I offer you? I am a married man with a child on the way". As IF I had already shown that I wanted him and he was not wrangling with a tormented sense of having to make a choice - honestly his fascination with his own feelings and his own psyche was endless, to the point where he simply couldn't 'see' someone as separate from it.If you get the sense that this person is being 'advised' by someone else then you are probably right. But it will be someone who is not seeing this person for what they really are. I feel the private counsellor who was 'treating' this guy was mainly in it for the money and kept him dependent on her for the two years so as to milk him for all she could. It was totally weird how he would tell me that he'd discussed me with his counsellor, many times and in great depth, when I felt absolutely nothing for this person whatsoever. In your case, it may be that the 'doctor' advising the guy is getting some sense of gratification out of feeling that he is being kind and caring to this other man. If you can find out for sure who he is then it may be worth you approaching him directly. I really wish I had the number and address of the counsellor he was seeing as I'd contact her and basically say she'd enabled a sociopathic guy to stalk me and then threaten me when I didn't respond as he wanted.
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A
female
reader, YouWish  +, writes (16 February 2015):
 I agree with the others. The tip off is when he began the conversation by telling you he didn't want you talking to other guys at the university so freely.
The other part was when he went from zero to "future husband" right off the back, as if his love were territorial instead of emotional. The "kidnap" comment reminded me of the guy who built a secret basement for a woman he kidnapped and kept there for years, like Ariel Castro sex slavery sort where the kidnapped woman is held for years.
Report like crazy NOW, because if you suddenly disappear or if he makes a move on you, you don't want people to not have a clue what happened. Tell your family, friends, the college dean, other professor friends, everyone you can think of.
Never be private with this guy again. You do not need "proof". All you need to do is shed the spotlight on what is happening. Wondering what other people at the university will think of you is secondary to being safe.
This guy isn't "coming on too strong", and this isn't some awkward academic thing. This is a psychopath and this stuff DOES happen. Have you had self defense classes?? Can you fight back if overpowered?
Also, I'm not from your country, but have you done a criminal background check on this guy??
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 February 2015): Thank you everyone for the advise. I'm the OP.
First to clarify, I obviously no longer accept rides from him and never will.
Yes I agree that this man is dangerous and I need to deal with him in a very tactful way. My heart literally pounds when I think of him and I feel like throwing up. That's honestly how scared I am of him now. However, I'm going to talk to him today because it cant be avoided and I want to confront the issue once and for all. We work in the same Dept and have been assigned a number of tasks to do together and I now have a feeling that he may have had something to do with it.
Anyway, the more I allow him to scare me, the more he'll do so. To the female anon poster, yes ma'm, he stared at me without blinking...and it was almost like a "what the hell are you talking about", blank look. Like he didn't think that no was even an option. He started sweating...I could see his forehead glistening and that somehow scared me even more because his reactions were / are not normal.
I know he looks at me in a way which is certainly not...again, to use the term,...normal. I have a very close male colleague at work who cant stand the sight of this guy and he's told me that he's seen this guy looking at my body in a very weird manner. But the way that he does it is so discreet that no one would ever know.
As regards his background, I live and work in a small town, so I know a little bit about his family. The term that people around here use to describe is "dysfunctional". I've heard that this guy has a massive ego, much like his father and has a whiny, frustrated mom. He says he doesnt get along much with his family and prefers to stay alone.
Doesn't seem to have too many friends either, except for this one guy who he says is a doctor, who I strongly suspect "advises" him on what to do next. The reason I feel this way is because I always feel that this guy comes prepared with an entire barrage of questions to try and corner me and when I throw anything back at him, he feels defenseless. Yet again the next day, he comes seemingly prepared and to respond to whatever I've told him and again tries to corner me. He has an excellent way with words and really leaves me clueless, just trying to decipher what he's saying. I feel it has a pattern that's going on.
I am feeling really sick just typing all this. I'm really really hoping that this gets resolved. I will keep everyone informed. Thank you all for your help.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (15 February 2015): Wise owl, I like your advice but I don't think it is fair to generalize and label all academics as freaks just because you happened to know two such people who were weird. Or because the o.p. is having her own conflict with an academic. I have immediate family who are professors and they are not "bazaar," much less bizarre. One of my family members' "wild and brainy" ideas has led to huge scientific innovations for the U.S. in terms of national security, to protect people like you and me, as well as achievements in technology and engineering for people like you and me to enjoy. Not only that but he is a wonderful father, grandfather and husband. A wise man with a big heart. Perfectly normal. My other family member who is an academic is a leading researcher in public health, specializing in Aids research. She has spent a great deal of time in Africa and working on research for containing the epidemic to save ours as well as future generations from exposure. She is a wonderful charitable woman, a great mother and wife. Perfectly normal person. I have yet another family member who is an academic, and is vice provost of a well known university and again is a phenomenal, normal, good person.
I feel nothing but proud to have family like them. Not just because of their professional success but because they are loving and supporting family as well as good friends to the community.
People who have anti social personality traits come from all walks of life and you'll find them in all sorts of professions. Teachers, truck drivers, lawyers, judges, doctors, politicians, street sweepers, mechanics, car salesmen, ceo's of big corporations, cops, professional athletes. Just because you meet one or two in a certain profession that are weird, doesn't mean everyone in that field is anti social. In fact, far from it.
I don't mean to offend, but I found that statement a bit ignorant.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (15 February 2015): Oh dear. No you can't just leave this alone and wish it to go away.The dead giveaway for me that this guy is dangerous was when you said that you told him no and he stared at you like no wasn't an option. Chills ran up my spine when I read that. Those overwhelming stares are classic behavior of a socio/psychopath. It makes you feel like they are consuming you, consuming your power or raping you, in a way. Like the way an animal looks at his prey, who like you is given no choice in the matter, right before he devours it. And also when you said his behavior left you frozen with fear. That's your body/instinct picking up on the danger you are in. Add to that that he's a loner and a mysoginist. And informing you about his terrible childhood is a classic line psychopaths use to gain sympathy from their victims. He fits the bill of a psychopath to a tee. Like right out of a textbook. You are not safe so you do need to alert people at the school. Like right away. Like right now. You work at a university, so I assume there is a psychology department. If you speak to a professional in this department they will take your concerns very seriously. Because they are educated on this type of person. Psychopaths are often high functioning members of society. Those who are both successful and very good looking are often the most dangerous. Because, for the most part, people automatically trust them. e.g. Ted Bundy. The super good looking, over achieving law school student who raped and killed over about 50 girls before he was even a suspect. And even when he became a suspect it was a shock to his colleagues and friends who could not believe their Ted would do that. They must have the wrong person, they thought. They described him as an intelligent, seemingly normal, respectable guy. I think the idea that a seemingly functional person of society, add to that having strikingly good looks, who seems to have everything in his favor, could be capable of such horrific crimes is out of the realm of human comprehension. Fortunately, scholars and professionals who know about the subject will instantly know what's going on and the harm you may be in. And hopefully will be able to help you. Do some investigating too. Find out if he has any criminal records or any sort of recorded history of criminal behavior. I'm positive he does but psychopaths are highly intelligent, manipulative and calculated, so they are very good at not getting caught. And the successful, good looking ones can talk their way out of just about anything because people don't suspect them. But check anyway. If you find anything, use that information and take it to the police, wherein you could file a report. That just makes authorities aware of the situation and keep vigilance on him in case things get worse. Better safe than sorry. Keep a journal too of phone calls, times, dates, interactions with him. It may be useful later. Psychopaths typically stalk their prey so buy yourself some mace. If you ever see him around your house or following you, call the police. It means he is stalking you. Do not ever let him into your house. If he ever shows up there, call the police. If you have to call them ten times in a week, then call them ten times. Thats what your tax dollars pay for. Stop talking to him in a friendly manner. Be short and to the point and don't let the conversations progress past professional stuff. Don't even make eye contact with him. But do be alert! And stop taking rides from him. I can assure you that you are dealing with a very dangerous person. Do not question that for a second. Notify others, be alert and take all necessary precautions. There is a chance he will find someone else to victimize and forget you. But there is also the chance he will become more obsessed. You just don't know. So be on the offense and the defense. I'm sorry you have to deal with this. I wish for you that you stay safe! Good luck.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (15 February 2015): You may not want to refer to your colleague as an obsessive lover; if you've never had sex with him; or have no romantic-connection. You may be intrigued by his good-looks and fascinated by his obsessive-attraction; but be careful with the terminology, or definition of how you are affiliated with this man.
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A
female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (15 February 2015):
 I would tell him, just because he's deprived of a nurturing childhood, doesn't mean you have to compensate what he lacks. Tell him that being with him stresses you out because he will have to lean on you to deal with his anxieties. You don't like to be an emotional clutch to a bumbling mess. Don't show him you are scared. Rather you are turned off by his social awkwardness which you are under no responsibility to fix. When you let him know he can manipulate how you talk and behave then you would be under his control. I also think the only way out of this is to refuse rides. And the last one, like you are talking to a kid, "just because you want something doesn't mean you will get it. I don't care how lonely you are all your life, it's pretty stupid and against your professional profile to think you can make someone your partner by threatening her against her will."
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (15 February 2015): WiseOwlE is correct, the academic world is full of loony's. I wrote onto this site a couple of months ago about a married colleague who everyone at the uni. adores, but who was basically obsessive about me and kept coming onto me, finally getting angry when I said I couldn't be friends anymore. The guy was totally selfish and simply couldn't see that I didn't reciprocate anything like his feelings; this is similar to your situation and it's very scary to be in - what's scarier is that someone with absolutely no sensitivity to another being can also be in a position of power teaching within a university. In my case, I am only on yearly contracts, and can never be 100% sure my contract will be renewed. Thanks to his sociopathic tendencies, the guy in question has two key members of staff looking out for him career-wise and just got a leading role - this caused another male member of staff to resign and the students, I can tell you, are absolutely dumbfounded about how this idiot managed to get this leading role - the only thing I'd disagree with about WiseOwlE's commentary is that no, not all academics are "brilliant" - some of them simply have known people who've helped them to get jobs and have stayed in them for years - the guy who was obsessed with me (by the way he got his wife pregnant at the same time as also telling me he hated her) is just an idiot, barely qualified to do the job - and the guy who resigned did so partly because he said he was fed up of being embarassed by what this guy tried and failed to do intellectually, in public debates and in his lecturing. He has no close friends and has had very severe depression for years which no one knows about - I've actually seen him when he said he was very depressed and my gut feeling is that it was far more than depression; I grew up with a mentally ill, violent sibling and I know the signs of more severe mental illness. In your case I'd make more enquiries about what exactly this guy did whilst on sabbatical because I think WiseOwlE is correct, that he may have been institutionalised. I would tell a senior member of staff IMMEDIATELY about this person's behaviour - he won't stop and, in his case, there is no marriage in place to but a break on his behaviour and my feeling is that he will turn nasty when he realises you are not going to give in. In my case I think the guy in question was so terrified that I'd tell his wife that he did seem to back off finally - I'm now in a weird situation with him where there is an implicit "cause any trouble for me at work and I will tell your wife everything" situation - I've never said this, but not being a permanent member of staff it's all I have as a defence. None of the staff would ever believe he was capable of this behaviour and would blame me, even though he himself admits I've never flirted with him. In your case as you are permanent staff you are in a more secure position. I would even consider informing the police. Absolutely do not spend time with him, definitely never alone, he has deep psychological issues in regard to women. You must tell someone at work.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (15 February 2015): Log everything, confide in someone and if it continues go to your boss, if it continues after that go to the police, do not accept rides with him again.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (15 February 2015): First, stop accepting rides from him and get yourself an economy car.
All you have to do is stop placing yourself in situations where you're alone with him. He will not act-out publicly, because his image is too important to him.
I've met some pretty freaky eccentrics in the world of academia myself. They have some of the most bazaar personality-traits hidden from the public you can imagine.
They are brilliant people, but they have a dark-side that no one knows about; I only know because, I dated two of these freaks! One guy, I will not go into details.
Aside from professional contact, you must discontinue any further association. I think you're pretty safe as long as you're not alone with him. If he should ever make any unexpected visits, or appear out of nowhere; you should report the behavior to the Department Head and most immediately to Human Resources. Even call the police, if necessary. He has crossed the line too many times already. Show as little fear as you possibly can; because he is most likely narcissistic, and feeds on it.
Don't be taken-in by his good-looks, that's the mistake I made. That's when they feel free to show their true-nature; and expose the side of themselves too scary or confusing to deal with. I was driven to dinner in another city, and had to get a friend to pick me up fifty miles away! My date was a research scientist for a pharmaceutical company, and a professor at one of our state colleges. At dinner; he was asking me how I felt about being tied-up, blind-folded, and letting him poke my skin with needles?!! It freaked me out!!! Silver haired, chiseled-features, great bod, the works. Crazy as a loon!
I think your freaky-friend was also institutionalized while on that sabbatical.
In your case, it is most likely they guy is under treatment with a therapist; and he's making an awkward attempt to connect with a female. He apparently doesn't have the psychological adeptness and interactive skills to make healthy romantic connections with a female. Women, being the powerful and compelling creatures that you are, can bring out something in almost any man. Don't fault yourself in anyway. He has fixated on you, but you are encouraging him only by allowing yourself to be alone with him.
I do suggest that you mention this behavior to someone in confidence. He hasn't done anything but frighten you so far; but he has made several inappropriate comments and suggestions that really shouldn't be dismissed.
Inform him directly and in no uncertain terms for the final time; that if he doesn't maintain a proper, respectful, and professional disposition; you will, with no hesitation, report him. You cannot be afraid to confront the behavior.
It gets a little tricky when a professor is tenured; there could be a shift placing the burden of proof on you to substantiate your accusations. You are repeatedly accepting rides from this character. Stop! In any case, keep your smartphone handy at all times. Hit record if you find yourself unexpectedly alone, or cornered by him.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (15 February 2015): I would report him to the police, here in the UK they would take an initial report and start building evidence of harassment, plus he has made a threat that you have perceived to be genuinely possible so that's something else to add. Don't wait for things to get serious, log a complaint with the police and advise your department you have done so. I would explain to him clearly that you are not going to be talking or interacting with him and his behaviour was frightening and inappropriate, let the department know how you felt by his behaviour. Women have had their lives ruined by staplers and harassers, when the person claims to love them when actually it is anything but. He hasn't accepted no for an answer, you are obviously a friendly, happy person but you need to make it clear to him under no circumstances are you in a relationship with him or want one.Working with victims of violence I have seen far, far too many situations where a woman has waited too long to first report someone - do not put yourself at risk.
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