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female
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*f
writes:I have been dating a man for one year who was in the process of a divorce which he filed. He was married at a young age and for thirty years,with two grown children and grandchildren. His wife would leave for months at a time and with other men. She left him a least four times and he always took her back. She has a bad drinking problem. I supported him thur the whole divorce process and it was not good. She would call an argue with him about there grown children as well as the grandchildren making him feel guilty,about moving on with his life. I was almost sure it was final. Well I was wrong. He was fine until she started to date his best friend. This drove him crazy. Months after he started aruging with me about the most stupid things, and told me he should have tried to make it work with his wife. Two months ago the ex boyfriend broke it off with her, he said she drinks way to much and has a lot of baggage. I would call him and he was not returning my calls. I knew something was up, well I was right they are back together again. My heart is crushed. A few days ago I had to meet up with him to get personal belongings of mine. When we seen each other for the first time in three months,he seamed like he was regreting his decision. I ask why he done this to me. His response was that he felt sorry for her and told me he does not know what is going to happen with this or how far it will go. Blown away by his second statement, that he wanted to get the money back off of her from the settlement. What the hell is wrong with this man. I think he is a creature of habit and fear of change. I don't know why he is back there again. How can someone except all the cheating that went on. Are you ready for the Best.. he wanted pictures of me to show the guys at work. Then he tried to get passionate toward me which I just blew him off. I told him that I was going on a date. His response was that it did not take me long. What the heck he went back to his wife. Can anyone help me figure this man out? He and I had great times together and I shared another part of life he never experienced with his ex.
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reader, anonymous, writes (31 August 2010): I feel for you. And I understand how you must be feeling. I also got dumped by a guy I was seeing close to a year. He had/has a long distance relationship and was seeing me at the same time; when he told me about his long distance relationship he made it seem as if it was something dead that he was trying to get out of. Long story short, we went back and forth, he paid a visit to her to make a final decision and they broke up. He came back then we got together again and then he went back with her. Anyway the point is that I know what I should have done from the beginning is not to get involved with him when he told me he had a long distance relationship. Ultimately if he really wanted me he would have done what was necessary to be with me, which is brake it off with her once and for all. But I didn't set my boundaries, I stayed and was patient hoping he would realize that "we" were worth it. If you think this man is a good man at heart but he is stuck in this habitual trap, the best thing you can do is set your standard high, set your boundaries, decide what kind of relationship want and don't settle for anything less, with him or anybody else. If he really loves you, he will realize it when you stand for yourself, and he will do what it takes to be with you. He will be willing to do what it takes to brake the destructive habit he has with her. So how do you do that? You move on, date, take care of yourself, be confident that you have what it takes to build a wonderful relationship with a mature man who will step it up; that means he will be with you on your terms. I hope it all goes well for you.
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female
reader, Aunty BimBim  +, writes (23 November 2009):
 we gave you advise, but not the advise you wanted.
This guy is not long term relationship material, he is hooked into his ex wife or current partner or whatever they are now.
It sounds like he is emotionally lazy, its easier for him to just fall back into the old patterns otherwise he may have to change things about himself.
You too appear to be taking the easy road, so much easier to sit there and cry "oh woe is me, my life sucks" and to hope this loser comes back to you than it is to actually do something about it.
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female
reader, jf +, writes (22 November 2009):
jf is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you for your advise. It is very sad to say I still want him back. I can't deal with the emotional pain. How can someone forget or forgive there partner after all of this. Can you believe the ex wife tried to call me. I have nothing to say to her. What the hell does she want to tell me? I need all the advise anyone has to offer.
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female
reader, Jezebel  +, writes (22 November 2009):
 Whatever his reasons are you are better off without him, and better to find out now.
I wish you luck with your dating, and don't look back like he did - move on.
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female
reader, Aunty BimBim +, writes (22 November 2009):
dont bother trying to work him out, why waste your time? He is so hooked into this distructive relationship with his ex wife I doubt he will ever manage to completely break away.
The fact he tried to get passionate with you, well, he is used to a different sort of woman than you, his wife doesnt seem to have a problem, going between sexual partners, he probably thought you would be much the same.
If you bump into him again and he comments on your dating or whatever, just tell him he ceded all rights to comment or question you when he dumped you to go back the the drunk ex wife.
Try to move on, dont get hooked into his (and hers) sick games, you deserve better than that!
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