A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:For the past 6 months or so I've been in a long distance relationship. It was fine, although I missed him (we saw each other every 4-5 weeks). That was until he told me he kissed someone at a party and on that occasion he also said that he 'kind of' liked the girl that he kissed. Apparently he had mixed feelings about it: he was feeling inadequate and guilty but he was also feeling a bit tied down by our relationship. He hesitated in deciding what he wanted but ultimately decided to continue things with me as they were. Now I know most people would jump to an obvious conclusion here, but things aren't that simple. We have been together for a really long time and it felt like a mistake to throw away what he had over this incident. I understand long term relationships are frustrating and I know that this would never had happened had we not been away from each other.What I wrote above might make him come across as a horrible person, but he's usually very kind to me - I've been dealing with depression and he's been very patient and supportive. We usually talk throughout the day, we're very close. It's just social outings that started to be a taboo zone lately - if he texts me and finds out I'm out, he apologises and he gives one word answers/ gets annoyed if I text him when he's out. Which in a way is fair enough - since you're out of the house, you might as well enjoy the company of other people and give them your full attention. But on the other hand, it's not always rude to send texts - for instance if you're at a large party or queuing up for something - that's usually when I'm tempted to text him. It saddens me that he makes a rule out of never texting when out with people - and in the context of the above, it's making me paranoid.Despite trying to be rational, I did notice he seems to spend a lot of time with the group of friends she is in - that is how he met her. They're a very sociable group, often throwing parties and organizing stuff and he gets invited to everything and he goes and whenever that happens I keep worrying that something might happen between them. He hasn't made any other 'confessions' so far so even now I'm not really sure if things have happened or not...I'd hate to bring up the subject, he's already feeling that he doesn't have enough freedom and I know that if I'm going to be the 'clingy-bitchy girlfriend he never actually sees, but who often ruins his evenings by fighting', I'm definitely going to lose him to the 'fun, carefree, exotic girl he always meets in fun, alcohol powered environments'. Sometimes I feel like I've already lost him, other times I feel silly for worrying too much. I'd appreciate, well, any advice on this.
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reader, anonymous, writes (9 March 2013): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionTo be honest, I think you are spot on. I know what I should do, but I can't bring myself to do it. I'm trying to meet more guys but I just can't seem to like anyone else.
A
female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (9 March 2013):
 You are being too understanding for him. The frustration of being long distance does not give him an excuse to cheat. With the long distance there's added freedom and to complain about lack of freedom is ridiculous. The rule of not texting when he's out is equally ridiculous. What if something emergent happened to you or your family? Or you are sad and need a boyfriend to cheer you up? You don't have to be clingy/bitchy to get your message across. Just tell him if he wants to be with that fun exotic girl, go ahead but don't expect you will still be waiting for him once he visits you again.
He's out flirting with girls not because of frustration. With you not being close to him, it lowered the restrictions and he can kind of 'forget' that he has a girlfriend when people ask.
There is a difference between being obsessive, clingy, controlling and drawing boundaries in a relationship. This guy is totally abusing his freedom and excusing his scumbag behavior. To be honest I feel that he was waiting for you to break up with him. He obviously didn't mind having one extra person loving him.
To feel more secure in a long distance relationship there has to be a plan to close the distance, such as marriage. Looking at his lifestyle there is nothing that suggests he is anywhere close to ready for marriage, even living together in a civil manner.
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