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female
age
30-35,
*licea
writes: Im 16 but pretty mature for my age and i have had boyfriends a few years older than me and so i have been treated good. At the moment im going out with some1 and hes 18.. hes a real 'bloke' sort of guy and he has lots of friends. he has told me that if i breakup or come between him and his best mate then 'me and him' will be over.. he believes in that stupid saying 'mates before dates'... that really hurts me because i believe that if he says he loves me then i should come before his friends. he says im everything to him..and i know that he really cares about me but not so sure that im everything if he thinks the way he does. what is right? and should i come before his friends? Reply to this Question
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female
reader, stina  +, writes (3 January 2007):
 Hi Alicea,
Mates before dates. Okay, well I guess it depends on the situation. I can understand him saying that and constantly trying to reinforce that to you if you are trying to get him to break plans with his friends to be with you. Or if you get all pouty when he wants to go out. Are you being too controlling? Try stepping back and looking at your relationship with this guy. Are you being unfair to him when he just wants to go on a night out with the guys?
Now try flipping it around. If he were doing to you what you are doing to him, would you be saying the same thing to get him to back off a bit? I'm just wondering if he says that to try and make some ground rules because he feels smothered.
How long have you guys been together?
Okay - now for the other side, if you're not being controlling by trying to get him to break plans, etc. If you guys haven't been dating for that long, perhaps he's just trying to tell you how he values his relationships and not really meaning to sound like a jerk. Since it's early, he doesn't know how long you'll be around and it would be stupid of him to give up his friends to just hang out with you all the time.
But if you two have been dating a while and he tells you this, then it sounds like he hasn't really gotten to a point in the relationhip where he really does think you mean "everything" to him. Because if you don't have any problems with him going out with his friends, then there wouldn't really seem to be any reason other than that to bring it up. Maybe time will change his mind.
Then again, I might be way off base. I suggest talking to your guy and find out why he's saying "mates before dates" to you. He should be able to tell you - communication and honesty are things that are needed for relationships to work. If he really cares about you, then he'll want to do anything to make the relationship work, you know?
Just make sure you aren't trying to make him give up his friends. And if he doesn't break plans with people to hang out with you instead, then I think that's saying a lot. He sounds like a good friend, actually. I know I'd be annoyed if one of my friends made plans and constantly broke them because of their partner. Maybe try thinking of it from that angle, too - from the friend's perspective. They've probably known each other a long time and are very close. Keep that in mind.
I guess I'd be able to go into more detail if I know some more background of your relationship - how long you guys have been together, if you get upset when he tries to go out with his friends... But if you talk with him then you probably won't need to write back with any more details...
Take care.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (3 January 2007): You are only 16, do you really want someone serious at that age. You have your whole life ahead of you. Go out there and enjoy it. Don't get tied down with him now. Ok he thinks mates before dates, he sounds young too, so just laugh it off. Enjoy life!! When you are 26 and your bloke says that then kick up a fuss!!
Take care and happy new year
xx
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (3 January 2007): You are only 16, do you really want someone serious at that age. You have your whole life ahead of you. Go out there and enjoy it. Don't get tied down with him now. Ok he thinks mates before dates, he sounds young too, so just laugh it off. Enjoy life!! When you are 26 and your bloke says that then kick up a fuss!!
Take care and happy new year
xx
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A
male
reader, Thomas17  +, writes (3 January 2007):
 maybe he just isnt ready for a serious relationship..think about it..are you just going to live life having boyfriends and not serious partners? if so then in this situation its fine.. but if you want a serious one.. he aint for ya.. both of you have to sacrifice something(etc friends, going out with them often). good luck
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