A
female
age
30-35,
*ibraquarius
writes:This is a long post, I'm so sorry, please help me though.My boyfriend and I have been together for a little over a year. We love eachother very much, we spend as much time together as we can and its usually always great quality time. I can not imagine how I would have been able to get through the last year without him and I don't even like to think about not having him in my future. But there is one problem that makes me wonder if a future together will be possible at all. Every time there is a bad situation in our lives, he temporarily turns into a different person (metaphorically speaking). He becomes verbally (never physically) aggressive and shuts off his feelings for me, thinking only of himself and his suffering when the situation is both of our problem, or even if the situation is my own problem! My own personal problem is whenever somebody is aggressive in any way, my mind goes blank and I don't know how to handle them. So one can see how this doesn't mix.Examples: Once I thought I was pregnant. Although we practice safe sex, my period was four days late. I am never late so we both freaked out. Immediately he just shut down. His attitude was "poor me, poor me" and he never asked about how I felt. After I got my period, he switched back to the sweetheart he actually is and apologized and he was sincerely sorry. Then once when we were driving at night, he bumped a deer that was standing in the middle of the road. The deer was fine and so were we, but instead of asking if I was okay, the first thing he did was get out of the truck to see if there was damage! Yes, I understand its important to check the car but his first instinct should have been to see if I was okay. The one that almost ended us happened when he was depending on his paycheck to be more money than it was. I told him I was sorry and I asked if I could help and he just walked away from me toward the truck. I followed behind but I became upset that he ignored me and that he had walked ahead- a huge sign of disrespect- and I told him not to direct his anger at me and that it wasn't my fault. He flipped out and it was our only fight where either of us raised our voice, and as soon as he said the B word I was in tears. He never said anything like that to me before. I was crying the whole drive to the bank and he slammed the truck door without a word and stormed into the building. My house was only four blocks away so I just got out of the truck and walked. When I got home he was already there and told me that if I was going to be that unsupportive then he will break up with me. I tried to be supportive but he rejected it! So we talked it through and in the end, he apologized and was sincere. The last situation that really really upset me was my parents' divorce. I was explaining to him the situation over the phone because I was visiting home for a couple weeks. He freaked out when I told him how upset they were and the things that were going on. He told me they were horrible people and the first thing he asked me was "you won't turn out like your mom or dad, will you?" I was furious! In my opinion it is never okay to say that kind of thing about your significant other's parents or family. I asked him if he still wanted to be with me and he said "I don't know, I'm a little put off by the situation you were raised in." Less than an hour later he called back, he was extremely sorry and kept apologizing and even he couldn't believe he said something like that. The problem is that he is just awful with bad situations- completely unsupportive and mean. But as soon as he calms down he realizes how wrong he was and becomes deeply upset with himself and will do anything to make me feel better. It doesn't happen with every bad situation, sometimes he is fine. He doesn't mean to hurt me, I think its just some deep psychological issue caused by his childhood. He was raised in a home where his mother was a horrible and abusive alcoholic who would disrespect her husband and neglect her children and I think that is how he sees women. He saw his father working all the time and being the "hero", even though his dad had a horrible temper. My boyfriend inherited the temper and he created a horrible defense mechanism in the face of a problem. I need to know if this is something therapy could help, or if his unfavorable reactions are instilled in him forever. My boyfriend cares about everybody, he is very kind and works well with others, he is sweet and romantic and most of the time we are together we are having so much fun. Why does his entire personality change like that when something goes wrong? It is almost like there are two of him, its really scary.Besides the bad situation thing, he is the perfect boyfriend and we are entirely compatible. We are very much in love and I don't care how hard it will be to work on this, I will do anything to help him. I just have no idea how... All anybody ever tells me is to dump him. I understand I have that option but even though the fights can suck, our relationship is worth so much more to us than to just throw it away over something we haven't tried to work on yet. I need to know how we can work on this. I need to know things to say to him that can calm him down. In a nutshell, how do I make sure my boyfriend keeps his cool before he loses himself in a situation?Any advice is greatly appreciated, thank you for taking the time to read this. I know it was very long, I apologize. Its a complicated situation and I really would love if somebody has some insight.
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female
reader, maverick494 +, writes (28 June 2010):
Well you know him best, so if you think this is fixable, by all means try. Sometimes things do work out. But I just don't want you to be one of those women that hang around holding on to a chance that was never even there. Not to say you are one of those, but a warned person counts for two. Maybe he's not making excuses for himself, but you are doing it for him. I mean, like every other kid he also went to school. He didn't grow up in a cave barren from civilisation. He had peers. And every kid that notices the common perception of behaviour is different than it is at home, adjusts, if only a bit. Like I said, his past is no excuse. At his age he should know better. Unless you're implying his parents were the only people in his life. As for what to say, just start out positive. You love him, he's romantic, etc. Then tell him that it makes you sad that when he gets stressed *snap!* that side of him vanishes and he turns into a cold person. Tell him these outbursts scare you and that you want him to control himself better. Maybe you can help him find an outlet for his stress. All you need to do is redirect it in a healthy way. Which sounds easier than done, but still.Good luck! He's lucky to have a thoughtful person like you by his side!
A
female
reader, Libraquarius +, writes (28 June 2010):
Libraquarius is verified as being by the original poster of the question I don't talk about this to anybody anymore because none of my friends have been in relationships *and we are all twenty* but they insist on telling me I need to break up with him, its the only way, blah blah blah. So I guess I get really wordy here, haha. The sap story thing is exactly right, I feel he is dying for attention all the time. But he's never blamed his behaviour on his past, at least he takes the fall and admits that he needs to grow up when he is wrong. It just takes a little coaxing from my end. And although I am by nature a very maternal person, I hate feeling like a mother to him. Its not very often, but sometimes he seems like he wants a mommy more than a life partner. Now, I don't mind coddling my man when the situation truly calls for some serious snuggly cheering up. He does the same for me. But what bothers me is the total change in personality. It never lasts more than thirty minutes, he has never raised a fist at me or done anything threatening. But you are definitely both right. He really needs a major attitude adjustment, I do not mean to downplay the situation. It is frustrating. He did not have good examples of how to deal with situations while growing up- when there were problems at home his mom would drink herself stupid and his dad would just leave or pretend everything was okay. I know just because he was raised around negative situations, he shouldn't be mean. I'm just saying he didn't get to learn how to handle problems in a healthy way. I grew up seeing my parents -I forgot to say they reconciled- work through problems calmly and maturely. I never once heard them raise their voices at eachother and I never ever raise my voice at him. I think yelling is unintelligent. If you have something to say, nobody is going to be eager to hear you say it in such an aggressive and needless manner. When I first met him he was a wall-kicker. The first month I told him aggression is a HUGE no-no with me. He almost immediately stopped any kind of physical outburst, and he hasn't even yelled in months. But when it comes to our problems, he just switches to MeanMode and only thinks of himself. I talked to him about it and he did not show any signs of aggression and seemed eager to fix it, however this was months ago and it seems that the talk did nothing because the false-alarm divorce situation happened only one month ago. But I'm not willing to walk out yet, he and I need to work on this. I want to bring it up again with him soon, but I just need ideas of what to say.
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A
female
reader, maverick494 +, writes (28 June 2010):
Sorry to say it, but he sounds like a self absorbed person in situations "when it counts". That's not good at all and shouldn't be downplayed. What if your relationship hits a rough patch? Will he blame it all on you? He sounds like he would.
I know this is going to sound harsh and some people might get offended, but I don't care how horrible people's childhood's were, because it's not an excuse to misbehave in the future. My childhood wasn't a walk in the park either. This goes for many people. Yet it doesn't prevent many of them from growing up into loving, balanced people. Once people start using their pasts as an excuse, they're doomed.
I always think: if my grandma became a good, balanced person even though she went through being put in a concentration camp, seeing people's head's cut off in front of her and having to bury dead children while she was just 12 years old, what right do other people have to treat others badly because of what they went through?
If he isn't cutting you any slack, why should you do that for him? I would have a talk with him about his behaviour. If reacts badly and gets aggressive, I'd make a point by walking out right then and there. It'll be hard to do because you love him, but sometimes the hardest thing and doing the right thing are the same.
Good luck and let me know if it works out!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (28 June 2010): It sounds like Whenever there's a bad situation going on he wants to immediately be the one for people to feel sorry for and there could various reason to why that is. Maybe theres something that went on in his past, maybe he wasnt loved or didnt get the attention he thrived for. so hes making up for that by taking every little situation and turing into his own sap story. the only thing i can think of for you to do is when another situation comes up and he pulls the same reaction tell him that hes not the only one whos upset.tell him that you have feelings too. But dont make it seem like your attacking him do it heartfelt like you mean it and it really bothers you ya know? i really hoped that helped and its ok that it was long i like when theres more information :)
good luck
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