A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:HELP HELP HELPI have been with my fiance for 7.5years and have had fantastic times with him. We have beenn all over thw world and had amazing times. The only problem is I can only ever spend the night on a saturday night. He is not married, we see each other every day and night but only stay the night on saturday. He has said he didnt like people staying the night in the week. This year I wanted to know where we were going as a couple and did get really upset becuase I didnt understand why he only wanted me to stay the night once a week. He has many friends and sometimes he has to slot me when he has time. Everybody in his family who have been in shorter relationships than us has already shacked up together, got married etc and here we are 7.5 yrs on still single. I told him I started to feel used only staying once a week and asked where this was going. This year he was under a lot of stress in work as his company were making people redundant and his pal died of cancer. He was really depressed and suddenly said he could not handle a relationship because of the stress so I agreed to give him some space to get his head together. I wanted to comfort him as I love him so much and wanted to help. I therefore gave him loads of space, brought him food, encouraged him etc.I then found out a girl 20 yrs younger than him asked him out and she started to send me nasty texts saying they would get married and I was nothing becuase she wanted him. As we were on a break I asked him to tell her to leave me alone. I did also start to get worried because I did not want us to break up, the space was just to help him get through a difficult time. He said it was not his place to say anything to this girl even though she was his student??? I asked him was he seeing this girl and he kept saying no!I found out that he was texting this girl behind my back as he said she was good to talk to. Why not talk to your fiance of 7 yrs and not some 22 yr old kid. She finally told me they had slept together while I was giving him space. I didnt believe her but when I asked him he cried and said he was so sorry but he was so depressed he just went nuts. We are still in contact -He has since gone to greece, apparently for a year on sabattical and said we will get back together next yr we will both be stronger and it will work out. He mails me every day and texts me every night. He has said there is nothing between them now and that he loves me. When I saw him before he left, he was very upset and crying so much.We are getting back to ourselves in our messages and are nicer to each other because when I found out about them we were both really nasty to each other, do you think it was my fault for asking him where I stood after 7 yrs and this pressurised him to leave or do you think because I wanted progress he went off for a girl 20 yrs younger. I am not exactly older, I am 15 yrs younger than him. Do you think I was used terribly or do you think the circumstances did in fact make him crazy. His friend has been his friend for 25 years and him dying of cancer did deeply affect him. Do you think he will be back for me and we will get to marry.
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male
reader, Entropy_Anarchy  +, writes (17 September 2009):
Hmm...this guy sounds like a moron. Plain and simple, he's not that into you, and the more you pursue him, the harder he will be to catch. For someone much older, he's acting like someone much younger. Let him go, leave him be. I can almost guarantee he'll come crawling back to you. You can chose if you want someone to keep stringing you along for another 7.5 years..or if you want to find someone who actually deserves you.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 September 2009): You have been engaged for seven years, but not married?
Its pretty clear that you are very low on his list of priorities. He chose to have an affair with a much younger girl, and SHE has the nerve to contact you saying that he wants her, not you! (She must be very deluded).
Seems to me its time to cut the ties with this man. Its not going to go anywhere, so don't waste any more time on him.
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A
female
reader, Lola1  +, writes (17 September 2009):
 I am inclined to think you will do whatever you want and it won’t matter what people tell you. I have a feeling you are looking for someone to encourage your decision to wait it out and give him space.
But here is a reality check, and I am sorry it is not what you are looking to hear.
He is 15 years your senior and you are approximately 27. That makes him 42 years old. So far, he has not married anyone.
For 7.5 years he has invited you to spend the night only once a week, and often has to "fit you into his busy schedule". This is a man who loves his freedom and is unlikely to get married. There is nothing wrong with that, as long as people are honest about it.
It’s important you recognize that before you devote any more time to him. I believe he cares for you, but I don’t think you will ever marry.
When the student started texting yuo nasty messages, he absolutely has a responsibility to stop her. Why do you think he said he could not? Maybe it was because he did not want to upset her and end what they had?
Now, I don’t think you alone caused him to go on sabbatical, but I can think of probably a thousand other opportunities more appropriate to ask him about your future together. He has now escaped from his life... trouble at work, the death of his friend and an unhappy and uncertain girlfriend.
If other troubles happen while you are together (let's pretend that you've even married) will you want him to escape or to stick it out?
What you chose to do is completely up to you, and you appeared to be trying to convince yourself of hope as your post neared the end, so it’s fairly easy to guess what decision you will make. But for me, the best advice would be that you should start to move on with your life unless you’re prepared to continue forever as you have been over the past 7.5 years.
AFter 7.5 years, I understand this will be difficult and disapppointing.
I wish you luck.
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