A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:My partner and I have been fighting a lot ever since getting together 2.5 years ago. I love him a lot but often have doubts about whether we will work long term.Whenever I ask him to do something small (like take his shoes away from my front door entry or put his clothes into his bag when he visits so that I don't have to walk over them when I am in my bedroom) he always argues! He just can't accept that I have politely asked him to do something. I often wonder what he will be like if we move in together in the future. Will he be worse and argue more because it will be 'our place?' I've had boyfriends in the past that argue way less than my current partner....my partner just has to argue about anything just to get a point across that he is right. Often because of this, our small arguments turn into full blown arguments and we don't speak for days. And then when we do eventually speak, he seems to hold a slight grudge for a few days after.The other day, I was driving to his place and the reception cut out when we were talking on the phone. I asked him a couple of times to repeat what he said and after the third time, he absolutely screamed the last sentence of our conversation into the phone. When I asked him about it later and suggested the way he said it was a bit rude, he once again argued that it was my phones fault, not his. We didn't speak for 2 days and even now he seems a bit distant.My questions are; Will this work long term? Should I find a man who is less argumentative? Are there a lot of other men out there like this or are most men compliant with simple requests? Reply to this Question
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female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (22 May 2017):
 This is never going to work, am surprised you have both lasted so long if it is always like this. You are not compatible, now am not saying he is in the wrong or that you are, its just simple that it won't work between you both as you are very different. You like things a certain way and he doesn't like to be asked to move things. You will end up killing each other if you moved in together. Not talking for days over petty little arguments is not normal.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (21 May 2017): You're incompatible. You're caught-up in that popular misconception about "long-term." You ignore the clashes and red-flags, and resist all the signs that the relationship isn't working. People know you have to work at maintaining a relationship; but that doesn't mean to push one that is consistently going against the grain.
Arguing all the time is not a relationship. It's a battle or war. You retreat to your corners, and comeback swinging. He gets annoyed, because he can't stand to be bossed around; even though you ask him nicely. If you frequently have to tell him to do this and that; because he's an inconsiderate slob, he will get tired of being reminded. You get on each others nerves.
If you act more like a mom than a girlfriend; he will feel every-time you open your mouth you're about to nag. Not because you are, but because he's just hanging-on; but for all the wrong reasons. He doesn't like the sound of your voice, and his presence is irritating. He doesn't want to give-up the sex, or he doesn't want to go without female companionship; in spite of it all, maybe it's better than being alone.
You say you love him. No you don't. You're 30-plus, and maybe you feel you've got to have a man. You're even comparing him to your exes. That is such a bad sign. It means, you are trying to replace someone you gave up unwillingly. You're trying to find qualities in him you saw in someone else. You focus too much on his quirks and faults. Deep inside, you really feel he's a total dick. But, it's better than being alone and having no man at all.
Get the notion of "long-term" out of your brain. Instead, strive for compatibility, reciprocity, and trust. It's the quality, not the quantity of time that makes a relationship a good one. It will last only if it works. Even then, it can come to an unexpected or abrupt halt. There are ups and downs. Too many fights and arguments are a sign of trouble. It sometimes means you are stubborn and consistently need to be right. He is unyielding, and to him it's a battle of wills. Neither of you embrace the concept of compromise. He feels if he doesn't fight-back he's whipped. He's too much of a man-boy to even pickup after himself or volunteer to do things to help-out. He sees something negative in everything you say. You have to mama him too much, and constantly run around with a honey-do list in your head.
Let this one go. Don't wait until the major smack-down to decide you can't take it anymore. You're already writing to DC for advice; which means you're on the brink.
Here's a push!!!
Trying to make it "last" is not where you put all your effort. Trying to get along and support each other is where you focus all your energy. Trying to nurture the love so it grows and takes you to higher levels. Not always a battle of wills. No matter how much you try to push a square-peg into a circular-slot, you get resistance; without altering the peg, it will never fit. It's not your place to change him. Moving in together is a train-wreck waiting to happen.
I can't imagine fighting with someone for a span of 2.5 years. I would have kicked him to the curb within the first two or three months. I'd give it a reasonable chance; then eject the reject. Depending on the severity of the fights, it might be within the first few weeks! I thrive on peace and tranquility.
You have had a preview of what living with this guy will be like. He has determined what you're like. It doesn't make either of you a bad person. Only that you're not right for each other; but you're fighting against futility. Forcing something that isn't working; because you want a man and you want a relationship. You're in a race against the biological clock, and trying to meet your deadline to have a husband and family, perhaps?
At any cost??? In spite of it all??? Put it on a flex-schedule, girlfriend! Don't let desperation make you settle for less. You might need a little work too. Having exes doesn't always mean it's just them; sometimes it's you.
If you wrote us, you already know what you've got to do. We can't give you an incantation that will magically make you get along as a couple. Some might advise couples-therapy. I just say see it for what it is. If I've got to have a referee to get along with somebody; I would rather reconsider if I need them in my life in the first place.
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A
female
reader, Anonymous 123  +, writes (21 May 2017):
 Simple answer- No, it's not going to work long term. Because it's next to impossible to live with someone and build a life with someone who's constantly looking to pick up fights and argue. Even worse, your partner is passive aggressive afterwards.
This is not how a mature relationship works. Yes, arguments happen, sure, but not like this, not always and certainly not for such superficial reasons. They can be excused once in a while if someone is on a bad mood but if it happens often then it's just not acceptable.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (21 May 2017):
 IT was YOUR phone's "fault" that he screamed? I mean I GET the frustration trying to have a conversation and the phone cuts out.. it sucks. YOU, however, are BOTH old enough to know better than chatting while driving... yes?
He seems like a guy (from the little you write) who doesn't take responsibility for any of his actions. I'd say he should KNOW by now where to put his shoes at your place and not just drop them wherever - though for many this would not really be a point of contention.
Does he have a drawer or two at your place for his clothes? Or do you after 2 1/2 year expect him to live out of his bag when at your place? For me, personally, I'd have no trouble living out of a bag on certain weekends, maybe HE does?
I think not talking for days after an argument is his way of punishing you for bring up something or starting an argument (in his eyes when you "criticize" him, YOU are the one starting the arguments).
I couldn't deal with a person like this. Imagine living together and THIS is how tiny issues are dealt with? It's not like the issues are resolved with silence, is it? They are still there but swept under the carpet.
YOU have to decide if you are WILLING to be with a guy who seems unable to adapt to being with you. I'm not talking change who he is but adapt to things like put your shoes away and hang up your clothes - LITTLE things.
And maybe YOU need to consider that your expectation of him are "unreasonable" in the sense that he is NOT willing to meet you halfways. Have YOU met HIM halfway yourself?
2 1/2 year of this? I wouldn't have lasted that long. I can't imagine being with someone who rather FIGHT over little stuff than MOVE his shoes 5 inches.
It sounds like you are both stubborn people who aren't really willing to give an inch. Will that work long term?
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