A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Husband told me he wanted to have sex with another women. It really up set me that he told me this. We have had a three-some before and have a pretty good sex life. He has apologized over and over for saying but I can't seem to get over it. My question is he cheating one me? and should I let him sleep with another woman? I don't understand what this means. Does he want to swing or divorce and why would he tell me he wants to do that.
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male
reader, idoneitagain  +, writes (10 June 2011):
The main thing about this post that sticks out is the line "I don't know what this means". You aren't communicating properly with your husband. Ask him what it means. Ask him if he wants to swing or divorce. Ask him what was behind his intentions.
In my opinion, if you have agreed to a threesome before, you can't blame him for seeing where your boundary lies. He has only stated his feelings, as far as we know he hasn't acted on them. He is within his rights to tell you what he wants, and you are within your rights to say yes or no depending on what you want. Normally a question like the one he asked would seem way out of line in a marriage, but if you have had a threesome and have a somewhat liberal take on sex, it is not that big a step from a threesome to swinging or an open relationships, he might be testing your limits. If he were cheating, he wouldn't have asked he would probably just be doing it, in my opinion. Most importantly though instead of all of this speculation, start communicating properly about this all with your husband.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 June 2011): From what I can tell nothing has changed. Your husband has always wanted to sleep with other women. What do you think the threesome was all about? You didn't really think he set that up (or encouraged you to) as an act of generosity, did you? Even if it were with another man, he agreed to it because he wanted to see you double teamed with the added bonus of an IOU later on. And that IOU is another woman for him.Rule of thumb: when a man suggests inviting someone else to join you in bed, it is never a selfless act. It is ALWAYS, ALWAYS, ALWAYS because HE gets something out of it. Any pleasure you get is an added bonus and an excuse not to owe you anything afterward.I'm not passing judgment on anyone here. My point is that both parties ought to go into these kinds of things with their eyes open. Don't be under any illusions that anyone's motive is purely altruistic. It is a hedonistic act and hedonism is not about doing what IS good, but doing what FEELS good. Whether or not he is cheating we can't tell. The fact that he declared his desire openly may indicate he has not yet acted on it.This isn't something for which you can grant or deny permission. You can't control what he does, but you can control what you do if he chooses to proceed. Just because you had a threesome doesn't mean either of you can now crawl into bed with whomever you please. You are not obliged to agree if it makes you uncomfortable, which clearly it does.I suggest you discuss this with him. Find out exactly what he has in mind. Is there a specific woman in his sights? Would this become a regular thing (I believe the answer to this one is 'yes'). Would you be able to sleep with other men? What would the rules of engagement be if you went ahead with this? Would this be with friends? What if he wanted to have a threesome with two other women?When you open your relationship, you open up a pandora's box.Last thing, monogamy and sexual exclusivity are not the same thing. Monogmy is being married to one person at a time. A person can be monogamous and promiscuous simultaneously.
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A
female
reader, kylieekristina +, writes (10 June 2011):
 He probally asked you because you have done it once before, and it seems he liked it, thats all. I wouldn't make it into something its not untill you really have a reason to suspect. If youve dont this before and he has stayed with you, sex life is great and is asking permission.....you opened the door to where you really cant be upset. He's being open and honest with you darlin!! Be happy about that, and only do what YOU are comfortable with, talk to him, explain why, why not , or a new set of rules because of things you were uncomfortable with last time. I always tell my man if I ever treat him with that it will be with a woman out of town that he and i will never see again lol Good Luck girl
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A
female
reader, RedAthena +, writes (10 June 2011):
 What do YOU want? Do you want a monagamous marriage or an open one?
Only your husband can tell you if he cheats, or wants to swing or if he wants a divorce.
If you are monagamous-make it clear he only gets to have sex with YOU.
If you are open-set the terms that you can BOTH live with.
Best Wishes.
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