A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I've been with my guy for many years now and we've never taken the next step. Right now, he's working fulltime for wages and also running his own business so he can save enough money for us to buy our first home. I'm self employed and struggling with making money despite the long hours I'm putting in. While work's such a huge part of our lives, I always make time every day to tell my guy that I love him and I'm always affectionate. I make time to be playful and have fun with him. He's not the affectionate type. He's a workaholic and very serious, structured, introverted - he doesn't like going out to parties or with groups of people and prefers to spend his spare time reading a book or watching a movie with me.Our sex life right now is non-existant. We've never lived together in all these years so it's hard to keep the fire burning when you're each living with groups of other people.What keeps me going and keeps me hopeful that we'll make it is that I know he says he wants to build a home with me. Unfortunately, until his fulltime job becomes permament, everything's on hold until then. I feel like my life is one giant limbo. Because I'm affectionate with him and I tell him I love him all the time, but I get neither back very often.. I constantly ask myself whether he's even interested in me anymore. None of his work mates even know about me. He's not the type to show me off and shout out he loves me from the rooftops or anything, but sometimes I wish he was, so I knew he was proud of me. He's very private about his personal life and very focussed on his career. Maybe I've been watching too many love movies. I know that the initial honeymoon period dies out after a while, for us it was the first two years hot and heavy, but now we're just stagnant. We did break up a couple of years ago after some girl tried to come between us, but we missed each other so terribly, both lost heaps of weight.. suffered night sweats and when I saw him for the first time since our breakup, his eyes filled with tears. Suddenly, all those old feelings of wanting to jump each other's bones (like when we were first together) returned.. only to die out again in time. It's like those feelings get suppressed with the stress of work life somehow or something. But they are there deep down!I am pushing 30 and I'm just getting really nervous. I want the family, the home, the life with him. It's wierd how girls talk about the biological clock.. because it's true.. something inside does tell you you're ready to start the nesting stuff. He may be serious and unaffectionate, but he's been my rock over the years.. I feel so safe and happy when I'm with him.. he's been there for me through everything and we still have so much fun together when we take holidays or even just talking on the phone for hours. He's my best friend in the world and that's never changed. We have that chemistry where we lose track of time when we're together, but the physical side is suffering and the romance seems to have just died out.Any advice you can give me on what you think is happening, I'd be most grateful.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 June 2011): Thanks for the advice guys. I mentioned to him that I posted on an anonymous advice website out of concern for us but now I know he'll just worry about that and lose sleep. He is waiting for his job to become permanent and giving it everything right now and it's draining his energy completely. HE feels like he's failing no matter how hard he tries and therefore withdraws into himself and distances from me, whereas my talking about it is something I do to get things out in the open and bring us closer. I wonder why men and women were ever supposed to be together sometimes. We deal with everything so absolutely opposite don't we?I'm glad, but sad at the same time to know that I'm not alone in having these issues. While many relationships are based solely on sex and the other goes off and gets it somewhere else without thinking twice, I am nothing like this. I would rather have the love and loyalty in a relationship and the emotional support without the sex and affection than the other way around. I am ready to open my heart (well, as I have for years) and give everything I have to this man. I believe he's my soul mate. I just sometimes feel we're SO far away from what I'd like us to be as a couple, but I do know we have the potential to get back to that.. it can just be hard staying optimistic and hopeful when things drag on in the same situation.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 June 2011): I am sorry you are going through this.. I don't have any answers I am afraid except that stress with work does seem to often get in the way of sex.. I have been married for 7 years (together for 9) and we are in the same boat. It is so hard on one's self esteem to throw yourself at your partner only to have them make excuses (true or not).. like he is tired.. or has to get up early.. I am sorry I am not more help but I wanted you to know you are not alone. Have you considered marriage counseling?
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 June 2011): Hi there, when reading your post I thought straight away that maybe its the pressure of not having a permenant job, he could be worried about money. This worry could be affecting your mans labido.You say you have fun and enjoy each others company and talk for hours. Have you tried to initiate sex? Maybe he knows you are also stressing on the money front and thinks that you also are too tired for anything physical also.The only way you can find out is by asking what is wrong and you are worried he doesnt find you attractive.He probably thinks that he is showing his commitment to you by letting you know that he is saving for the both of you to get a house together. Now that is a big commitment in anyones book.I too am more action than words and forget that my partner sometimes needs reasurance by saying i love them, but i feel saying it too often sounds forced when that is furthest from truth because i dont want to live without them because i feel complete with them. Hope this helps.
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A
female
reader, RedAthena  +, writes (9 June 2011):
 Have you talked to him about you needing more affection?
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