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female
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*en
writes: Me and my boyf have been together 18 months. We love each other but hes so stubborn. If we get invited to events as a couple he often says no. Its like theres a power struggle, he doesnt want to do what i want all the time. Sometimes we arrange a day out and he lets me down at last minute. Its got to the stage where I'm considering breaking up. Sometimes we do go places together and its great, but it hurts me when he refuses. I feel he doesnt always make as much effort as me in relationship. Please help. Reply to this Question
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male
reader, Dazzerg  +, writes (6 May 2006):
 Yes he is Zen, sorry to hear that. Hope it all pans out for you ok.
A
female
reader, zen +, writes (6 May 2006):
zen is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHi,
I haven't heard from him since the row on monday. I gave him space to cool off and went round to his on thursday. His car was there but no one answered door, either out or avoiding me. I txt him later that night, just kept it light and friendly and mentioned that I called but he was out. He still hasnt replied. I feel like the ball is in his court now. I can't believe it's dragged on this long, but I'v attempted contact. He's punishing me by ignoring me.
Zen
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 May 2006): i was in the same situation,it started when we were officially a couple and it was very hurtful and i felt he was ashamed of me.
so when he said he might not make it to my xmas party (he never said no til it was nearly time to get ready for events) i told him he should be happy he was going and i couldnt see what the problem was as it was important to me.
save this for important things and not just meeting a mate for a drink... he was good for a while,surprised at my sudden assertiveness i guess,
but recently said he'd go away for the weekend just passed and cancelled last minute, we'v benn on hols together b4 so its not like he was nervous so i got a few good friends at the last min and went without him, he's now sorry he missed it cos i wasted no time telling him what a great time we had and he's packing his bags at the moment to take me to the same place this weekend!
hold your ground, as long as you understand he cant live in your pocket and dont make unreasonable requests you should sort this out.
if not, do you really wanna stay in this relationship?
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male
reader, Dazzerg +, writes (4 May 2006):
I agree with you....stand your ground and see what happens.
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female
reader, zen +, writes (3 May 2006):
zen is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHi, Thanks for your advice everyone. I dont think I'm possessive, we only see each other about twice a week so we have plenty of space. I do invite him places I think should appeal to both of us. Sometimes I think he says no for the sake of it, so he doesnt look like hes giving in to me all the time. We havent seen each other for a week, and we had a big row on phone the other night. He accused me of being selfish and stubborn. He was quite nasty, he said he won't speak to me til I apologize for being stubborn, and he wants me to change. I know I can be stubborn, but I think he's the one that should be apologizing.Zen
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male
reader, Fixer +, writes (1 May 2006):
"Its like theres a power struggle, he doesnt want to do what i want all the time." - Isn't that only natural? Give the guy a break!Although I think it's unfair of him to refuse to go somewhere last minute, I think you should respect his right to refuse an activity he has no desire to engage in.Why not sit down and ask him what he'd like to do, and come to something you can both mutually agree on?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (30 April 2006): he sometimes just says he can't be bothered, or just doesnt want to go somewhere. he says he can't do what i want all the time, and gives examples of things he has attended with me. he doesnt say no all the time. its usually fairly equal who suggests what we do. i usually sulk for a while after he lets me down, he then acts really nice telling me how much he loves me until i forgive him, then weeks later we end up back to square one. im avoiding him at the mo. do need 2 speak 2 him tho.zen
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A
male
reader, Dazzerg +, writes (30 April 2006):
Does he give reasons for his refusal?? Does he plan outings himself? I think this is behaviour you need to comfront to be honest because it is not good for the relationship at all. If he is trying to assert his independence and his own space then there are other ways to do it.
Have you told him how much this behaviour hurts you? If you havent then you should and make it clear how much its hurting you. It is to be hoped that he will see the error of his ways and change his behaviour. Be firm and assertive with him as well, let him know how serious this is for you. The best advice i can offer is talk to him. Hope that helps.
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male
reader, yoyouyont +, writes (30 April 2006):
maybe you want to control him as though you own him. You say he should do what you want all the time but how reasonable is that. A relationship is between two people not from one to the other. You sound clingy and possesive and need to remember that your boyriend is a person not an object to be wheeled out beside you for social events. Its normal to want to be in his company but many people need their own space while in a relationship. find an interest or friends to spend time with in his absence and please note that relationships are not everything in life. Broaden your horizons. When your not in his pocket all the time i bet he'll be more sociable and desiring of your company.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (30 April 2006): Have you told HIM this?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (30 April 2006): dump him
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A
female
reader, Mama +, writes (30 April 2006):
Hi,In any relationship, it is give and take, if you are too dominant, you could be unsurping his maculine qualities. For example, men like to be the hero! they like to be and feel needed by us women. Indeed, we like them to protect us, admire us and makimg us feel important. The trick is, you must also make your man feel that he too is needed, Even if it is to make some descisions without your objection. Let him make one. Sometimes, we can make our man feel unimportant. Don't break up, make up!! its much nicer. xxx
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