A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:My boyfriend and I have been having some sexual problems, but now he seems to be avoiding spending time alone with me. We haven't had penetrative sex for 5 months because I am finding it really painful so I was doing hand jobs on him which he really enjoyed but then he started finding he was unable to come. He put his problem down to his drinking which means he must be drinking more than he had been when we first met a year ago. So, at least he seems to recognise the reasoning behind it. However, he doesn't seem to want any form of affection at all now, when previously he was very loving. He never expected sex of me at all but would cuddle me all night long. I had never felt so loved, but now he falls asleep the instant he gets into bed. He asked me if I wanted to stay over his house tonight to which I said yes, because normally he has always been keen for me to go over there but then he text me saying 'or you could drive back if you want. I am working tomorrow' (we have a long distance relationship). So then I asked him 'is everything ok? I didn't think you seemed too keen on me staying over' and he said 'yes, everything is fine. I just didn't know if you had work tomorrow'. This has never been an issue at all before because I always leave really early in the morning. In fact, he has always almost begged me to stay over in the past. Now, I am starting to feel rejected. So, I think there is definitely something wrong because things feel different but he tells me everything is fine. A friend of mine says it could be that he is trying to avoid a repeat of the sexual problems therefore doesn't want to spend any time alone with me or maybe doesn't know how to talk about it with me. I have even started to think that possibly he is having an affair but I would have no way of finding out and proving it. He always seemed to have a very healthy sex drive that gradually disappeared to nothing since the sexual problems. He has seemed quite down lately and has been working long hours. We have very little money so can't afford counselling. I need to take the bull by the horns here but I am not sure what to do.
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (9 August 2008): It seems as if this relationship is in some serious trouble;
I cannot tell you what to do, but will try and help you to get perspective and make some sugestions;
Firstly,you mentioned that you have not had intercourse for about 5 months as it is causing you pain; have you been to a doctor? Have you paid attention to what is causing the pain? Please do not ignore it; make an appointment with your doctor and establish what is causing the problem; ignoring it will not make it go away; it could be a medical problem that needs attention; some problems can be treated better the sooner it is discovered;
You cannot ignore the problem by just living without intercourse.
Pay attention to your health and when the problem is solved you might be able to enjoy sexual intercourse again; I am sure you do not want to live without sex forever; it must be frustrating for you as well;
Secondly, I agree with "uncle Phil", it does sound as if too much alcohol could be the reason for his deminishing sex drive and also for the change in his behaviour towards you;
however there could be more to it as well; he might be seeing somebody else behind your back; but that is where the TRUST becomes an issue;
and
thirdly as you are in a long distance relationship having these problems it is not making it any easier;
I suggest you have to TAKE STOCK about the future of this relationship and of WHAT you WANT; is this how you want to live?
Don't you deserve a more fullfilling and loving relationship?
When you know what you want, I suggest you talk to your boyfriend; have an open heart to heart discussion of your needs and wants, your feelings and expectations;listen to him and see if there is a FUTURE for this relationship;
You need to think about the FUTURE and you need to establish what you want and take it from there; the way things are going now you are heading for a dead end anyway and you are just wasting time;
If there is no future, you need to call it quits and move on; find love and happiness with somebody else;
BUT you need to establish your own needs and you need to pay attention to your HEALTH;
Hope this is of some assistance to help you to end this emotional turmoil you are in right now;
Keep us posted.
Best wishes and vow be strong; lots of hugs and SMILES.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (8 August 2008): This sounds to me like he's got a drink problem more than anything else. I could be very wrong, but the fact he drops off to sleep the moment his head hits the pillow rings a lot of bells for me. I've been in your situation so I have a little insight into the relationship between drinking and sex drive.
Excessive drinking lowers the sex drive, and if I was a betting man this is what I'd put it down to. If you get the opportunity have a good look around the house looking for empties in the most unlikely places. The bottom of the laundry basket, under the bed, in the bed under the pillows, in drawers, behind the microwave etc. and when it's bin day that's when they all disappear.
Like I said, I could be wrong. I hope I am, but it's a definite possibility.
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